Worried , anxious and Humiliated.....?

Question

this is the best way to describe how i feel, i dont even want to ask this question but I have to as I really dont know what else to do... I was raped two years ago, and the man who did it gave me an STI called Herpes, when i got it checked out the Doc said it was a mild form, i was soo shocked and stunned I didnt ask any more questions just left the room..and have tried to block it out of my memory until now, have met somone i think im in love, we get on so well together and i know that he cares for me and that he would never hurt me in that way, i did mention it to him that i was raped ..conversation went awkward he got sorta angry and couldnt really speak to me, we havent mentioned it since, now i have to tell him about the STI and how am i going to do this? ishe going to leave me? I know that I would always use protection but I feel he should know now as it would be worse if we are together for years and then tell him..how do i do this, i dont want to loose him, i hate this ...

Answer 1

Talk to him. If the man really loves you, chances are he was not so much angry at you as much as the person who hurt you. Rape will bring up powerful emotions in the people you tell it about and they may have trouble dealing with it. But tell them that you need them and are depending on their support and they may be stronger and try to be more sensitive. There are also a lot of misconceptions about rape. He may need to learn more about this with your help. If it is too much for him to handle, you may have to let him go, but most mean are decent enough so they will stay with you. See a counselor if you are having trouble communicating or understanding each other. There are medications that will usually prevent outbreaks related to Herpes. See your doctor about this.

Good luck!

Answer 2

I'm really sorry to hear about your ordeal. It must have really made it so much harder to hear that you also contracted an STD through no fault of your own.

The doctor said that it was a mild form of the disease, and Herpes simplex is not going to end your life. You need to go back to the doctor, hon, and get yourself checked out, and ask some questions about it and how you can protect your new partner. It could be that you are no longer carrying this disease, but it is much better to know for sure, and what treatments are available. So do this as soon as you can .... and you can face your boyfriend with some real information.

Okay, as regards your boyfriend and his attitude to your rape - it's very hard for them to deal with this. Sometimes they even think you might have brought it on yourself, and this is only because they are the type of men who wouldn't dream of hurting a woman in such a manner. It was a shock to him, and this is to be expected. He have got the idea that you were being casual about it - you say you mentioned you were raped - so you might need to talk to him more about it, about how it affected you emotionally, and how you have tried so hard to come to terms with it even though your strongest instinct is to block it. It has been horrible for you, and he might think you are looking at it in a different way. This will be very difficult in itself .... but once it's done you will feel a lot better. Internalising such trauma is not always good for a person.

Which is why I think you should tackle these things as separate issues - the herpes and talking about what happened to you with your boyfriend.

If it helps, try to picture the incident in black and white and as a third person. And remember, your rapist cannot hurt you anymore. He can't.

Answer 3

First, I'm sorry that somone did that to you.

Second, when you told him you were raped...he got mad?? that's not very nice. He should be supportive of the fact that you've moved past that point in your life. He's got no right to get made at you for being raped, it was in no way your fault.

Third, You can't run from a problem like this. Herpes is like luggage, you keep it forever, so its better to face it now and not block it out of your head. No matter what, you need to tell him. If you think hes going to leave you, or not...you need to tell him. There are plenty of couples that have been together for 30+ years, One partner is infected, and never transmitted to the other. There are ways to protect against transmission. Its his decision if he wants to take the risk.

If he leaves you, there's unfortunately nothing you can do about it. He doesn't sound like the kind of man you need in your life.

Answer 4

Most of the times it cultural difference or a difference in upbringing. What might be a casual comment for a person brought up in a fun loving family, might become a humiliation for a person who has had a traumatic childhood. Some people find it an immense boost to their self esteem if people they manage to make someone feel awkward or suppress someone with humiliation. Again the difference here is the upbringing and culture.

Answer 5

The rape happened to you, not to him. For him to become angry in any way instead of having empathy for you when you told him about the rape is very telling about his character or lack thereof.
Until you can discuss this with him and have a response that shows he's a caring individual I'd suggest holding off entering into a sexual relationship.
As for the feelings you are experiencing, I ask if someone broke into your home and stole your belongings would you feel humiliated? Of course not. The lowlife rapist broke into your body and stole your sense of self and violated you. He should feel the remorse and humiliation for being such a lowlife.
Perhaps you could try to discuss the rape with your guy again to see how he reacts. This is something you may need to discuss now and then during your life, and you will need someone in your life who will be there for you and hold you and love you when it comes up.
Until you are comfortable with the way he reacts to a mention of the rape I wouldn't think you need to discuss the herpes with him.

Answer 6

chances are he really does have feelings for you and that is why he got angry. Not at you but that someone could hurt the person he now loves and wishes he could have prevented it somehow, someway (which we all know he couldn't) Talk to him be direct and honest. If he seems leary suggest he go to the doctor with you to find out more information. If he leaves, let him go. You can't control another's feelings. But do tell him BEFORE having sex the first time.

Answer 7

First of all you got the hard part done and told him you were raped. Being honest about your situation is the most important thing you can do not just for him but for yourself. If he cannot bear the truth then he is not the one for you. If he reacts as he cares and is willing to take the extra steps to accomadate the situation then he is a good man. And get back to the doctor and get him involved in helping you care for this unfortunate ordeal.

Answer 8

Hey sweetie,

This must be so difficult for you to deal with.

You say that your guy 'got sorta angry and couldnt really speak to me' - maybe it was hard for him to hear about your experience and he feels like he cant protect you from it...in weird way becuase obviously it already happened.

He needs to be mature enough to deal with this and if he isnt, he isnt worth giving your heart too. Any guy would feel anger towards the man that hurt their woman in such a horrific way for starters, its going to be extra hard for him to deal with the fact that you contracted an STI.

Are you in councelling for this? Because if not, you should be working through this with someone who can help you...

If your guy leaves you because of this, then its his problem, not yours, you did nothing wrong at all. He should of course know if you plan on sleeping with him but do you really want to if he already has an issue with things that have happened in your past?

Have a look at some of these links...they may help you to come to terms with things

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Rape-Counseling-1570/Friends-dealing-rape.htm

http://www.geocities.com/Wellesley/5205/index.html

http://www.dealingwithrape.com/

http://www.salon.com/mwt/col/tenn/2006/11/22/herpes/


I wish you the best of luck

Answer 9

i know what your going through i was raped 5 years ago and only my best friend knows about it and ive not had a boyfriend since it happened i got to scared to go near another man but im not anymore now as im dealing with it but when i do get a boyfriend i will tell him about it because its something they should know
just sit him down and talk to him and say that he needs to listen and that you need to speak to him because you dont want any lies or secrets in your relationship and tell him not to get angry and loose his temper because you need him to support you
i know its verry hard to tell someone this as i had to tell my best friend so i know what your feeling
good luck x

Answer 10

i know how you feel i was in the same position and i haven't even checked myself out, because i'm too scared to.
i know your fear, but you do know, and because you know he must know.
its hard for me to ever trust a man, but like you, i have someone i love and because i love him, i will tell him, when i have something to tell him.
talk to him, explain what happened, tell him your fear, if he loves you, he will understand why this is hard for you.
its not easy, my partner reacted the same way when i told him, but its hard for them to understand a violation like that because they love you too much.
be strong, and trust in what you have with him, because for me i feel i have nothing else...trust him enough to tell him, the longer you leave it, the harder it is.
its been many years for me, and now i'm worried about having children, please dont let this happen to you. tell him. you will live with this for the rest of your life, having him by ur side will make that pain less...please tell him.... i wish you well in life my dear...