need help please no stupid answers?

Question

I have adhd can some one please talk?
ever since i was a little boy

i never felt loved since as far back as i can remember never dont no y but to this day nothing as changed
i had a dad never there always away as he was a wagon driver and when he did come home i was usualy in bed,

even at the age of twelve i had to sit in bed while looking out the window watching friends play ,and even that wasent good anoth as i was told to get into bed you got school in morning
this was said by my mum who was down stairs with dad or some other bloke who had stayed is this normal ,go to bed and you can have day of school if ya dont tell ya dad

it dident feel right and as i got older this gets worse i just expect all women to be like this

its like someone as printed it in my head out loud "DO NOT LEAVE WOMEN HOME ALONE "because you can bet your last dollar there ******* about

then as time goes on you grow up a bit more get a girl friend some 1 you love but caint trust cause after all if you caint trust your own mum who can ya trust

its like i been shut in bedroom so dont have many friends so at school always my myself so i dont mix very well with other people never quit fit in with anyone properly then i met tina thought she was great but never dare to leave here side due to my past and lord behold she does goes with m8 when im in prison for somthing she did ,"NICE ONE" this really sent me of the rails

went homeless for awhile about 1 year living on the streets caim back met tracy things was ok for a while herre we go again she goes of with stig here x for night

well this is really proving a point

so i go single for a while, then what was i thinking i get talking to tracys sister 1 thing leads to another 12 years later too kids i never wanted as i new i had problems
i always said dont want kids but no i was robbed of my life by sue she said she was on the pill ,any way i stand by here get
good job where on the up ,exept here sister tracy lives next door this waS A LIVING HELL OHHH by the way she lives with my yonger brother james but it aint that bad ever day i come home to ever tracy in house or james laughing joking with my girl

is this normal or just me paronoid ,**** nose but by head shour felt like it was going to pop ether tracy would talk to me to piss sue of or james would be with sue to get to me but i thought **** this its just me

but it got the better of me to the point i just wanted to work drink take drugs always thinking they doing it to split us up because i new tracy still loved me and james had a soft spot for sue ,this went on for about 1 year i caint take this anymore

my head is ****** no real friends no stable home always walking round in a daze feeling like killing myself then christmas comes go out for drink to come back and get told sue and james were kissing at top of stairs in my other brothers house so now what does my head think this must of been going on ages but no they insist it was just a kiss well you keep ya kisses

at this point i left only to think right payback
so i get of with tracy not cause i like her just to get in here head like she had mine
3 weeks will do i was the nicest i could be to here and i new she loved me with all her hart then "POW i walk just to hurt here like she did me what sort of person am i full of hate twisted dont trust no one any more and prob never again so of i go again

move in to my yonger brothers things are ok for about six month single then i start getting feelings for fiona nice lady funny working but abit crazy and anyway a few month go by we talk every night things seem ok taking it slow

whats the problem with this nothing exept me with past thoughts and fiona been sams mum ,um who is sam you think well let me tell you its my yonger brothers girl friend and now im dating here mum for **** sake is this normal answer ,NO

but it felt right we were ok together for a while then i new i loved here and lord help me out pop the demonds no trust always on at her were you been who with caint contr5ol my thoughts in my head

there is no trust in me nowhere if she leaves my side im like a mental bull bad thought after thought running like a steam train no stopping to the point i am now crazy all these uncontrolled thoughts just run away with me and if i tell the truth i now realise i am far from normal fiona nows all my past and tryed to stand by me but at the price of love as now im that paronoid if she walks dog 2 long i think she up to no good i try and try to find the trust but it aint here i now feel it been stolen from me my my family and caint go on living in this shitty world

i caint work i caint let fiona go to work all because i crack up this is so unfair we have tryed for care allowance but been turned down so now we live in our house fionas dauter prob thinks im a total bastard and ever row takes here mums side "caint really blame her for that" but i do i got fiona 2 kids bills no money caint aford to live really so what do i do i have asked fiona to move out as i really want better for her and me i dont want to live feeling she was my carer and it as taken about 1 month of rowing to get her to go not cause i hate here because i love her but no i am not right what woman shoulkd have to live with somone like me sit in a bedroom with me no money no food caint aford to put fire on no presents for christmas

what sort of monster would i be if i had let here stay

its been i night now im hart broke and miss her so much what do i do?? ,i no money, home alone,no family where do i go from hear for the last six hours i have been crying i loved her so much but had to push her away would it really be too selfish of me to end my life

what would my kids think of me family fiona

i really dont want to go on any more but dont have the strength do take my life

ps i have also been under normal doctors for over 6 years for manic depression and then refered to special docs at hospitals for over 12 month treated with, ritalin ,methephenadate,conserter xl , but all these do is stimulate my problems and seem to cause split persanality,scitsafrinia more depression and panic attacks and they wont offer counciling because of my past they say this will make me worse too

i hope this makes sence to someone or is it im just crazy ::::

and even after all this i still try get on with them all no hard feeling to them they ask me come to party do this do that and i always say no hence me now sitting in bedroom no friends so alone in my ****** up world getting worse and worse each day dont comunicate with no one any more just sat here all twisted and ****** up thinking of songs for my fundril that would pierce there harts for the dammage caused to me through no falt of my own

Answer 1

wow.. i made it about halfway thru before i wanted to off myself from a really bad story line...

if this is real, you're obviously paranoid... and in your case the first thing to do to get better is seek professional help... find a good therapist/psychologist
Y! Answers is not going to give you the in depth time and experience you need

Answer 2

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Answer 3

you need therapy! you have more issues than anyone without training could possibly deal with!