Knowing what to do for the best, regarding grandparents contact.?

Question

My daughter is 7,her father and myself split up when she was roughly 3/4 months old(after i caught him cheating) i always said that i wouldnt stop him from seeing our daughter and i had a really good relationship with his parents,which was good as she often went and stayed with them,however the contact with her dad didnt last,he had more interest in drinking and getting laid,during the next few years i lost count of the many girlfriends he had(did me a favour really,as i saw him for the selfish person that he is!)i didnt let that get in the way of his contact,i always said that it should be my daughters choice to see him or not. During all of this i met somebody else who my daughter became very close to,even calling him dad,by then my ex dident even bother with contact just relied on his mum for updates as and when he was around. That is until he got somebody else pregneant,and moved to the next street up from us.

I was hurt,angry,upset but not for me as his new partner had a boy from another relationship,who was also going to be at the same school. As it turns out though the two of them got on really well,more so as they both had no other siblings,well not yet.I tried not to get to close but ended up being really good friends with his new partner which was strange at first,she would come to mine if they had an arguement and so would he.When the new baby was born my daughter loved it even more as she had a new brother and sister and not long after they got married. By now contact with his mother wasent very regular,which upset my daughter as she knew that her nannie visited her brother and sister so why not her,after all she knew when she had been there as she goes to school with him. Anyway to cut it short,it wasent long before he was up to his old tricks again,by now my daughter wants answers to questions that she has.

And then nothing,i have his wife at mine upset as she dosent know where he is,i try my best to comfort her but she knows how frustrating it has been for me to get him involved with his daughter,as this is not the first time that he has disappeared she tells me that she will let me know when he does eventually appear,however during the next few weeks im told by a few people that he is back and everything is fine again.I was pretty annoyed by then but not for me for my daughter,and i was annoyed that he dident have the decency to come and see her,i left it for as long as i could,seeing him go past my flat with the other two kids to go play ball was enough for me,i wanted to go round and rip his head off,but i didnt i calmed myself down(had a cry,for letting him wind me up)then went to speak to him to see why he hadent been in contact after all she was his daughter,the response i got.."I havent heard from you and you havent been round"now if im wrong please tell me

And then nothing,i have his wife at mine upset as she dosent know where he is,i try my best to comfort her but she knows how frustrating it has been for me to get him involved with his daughter,as this is not the first time that he has disappeared she tells me that she will let me know when he does eventually appear,however during the next few weeks im told by a few people that he is back and everything is fine again.I was pretty annoyed by then but not for me for my daughter,and i was annoyed that he dident have the decency to come and see her,i left it for as long as i could,seeing him go past my flat with the other two kids to go play ball was enough for me,i wanted to go round and rip his head off,but i didnt i calmed myself down(had a cry,for letting him wind me up)then went to speak to him to see why he hadent been in contact after all she was his daughter,the response i got.."I havent heard from you and you havent been round"now if im wrong please tell me.

But why should i be the one to keep casing a father to see his daughter,ive done it for several years now,forgave him when hes let her down and i have never asked for a penny off of him,i have even babysat the other two kids,i didnt have to but i did,that said i exploded(anyone else in this situation will know what i mean)Since then my daughter has had no contact with him,he has even gone as far as to walk past us in the street and blank her completley which is very painful for her. She went from having a brother,sister(new family) to nothing. I have now recieved a letter from the solicitors that his mother has been to regarding contact,i wouldnt have a problem but we have not heard from her in months since all of this started,she even missed my daughters birthday this year,i have never made contact difficult for her but im not sure of her motives after also finding out(from his wife)that when my daughter went to stay there on numerous occasions that he used to take her to the pub.

Where he could show her off like the doting dad,this happened around the time he was drinking alot and i made it clear that he wasent to take her out if he had been drinking. Im now having trouble as to why has she suddenly gone to solicitors,is it so that he can see her behind my back without facing up to what he has done,and admitting he was in the wrong. Im not a nasty person i just want the best for my daughter,i shouldnt have to chase him to be involved,he should want to be and if thats the case he was wrong to give a new family and then take them away again. How anyone can ignore their child is beyond me.

Answer 1

Hey! Just keep going as you are-I know it's difficult but you've done so well with your daughter on your own-it isn't down to you to take her to see him-is it not enough for him you have raised her, changed her nappies, woken up in the night when she needed a feed, took her through her first words, her first steps, her first day in nursery, her first day in school, bought her everything she needed, soothed her when she cries for mummy....and then he has a pop back at you saying its down to you to take her to him. No, that's not right. He was te one in the wrong by cheating and breaking up a relationship. He made his bed and then jumped in it. He needs to take stock of responsibility. He HAS responsibility over your daughter. Therefore HE needs to assume that responsibility and put it to good use by visiting her.
As for his mum, it seems it was ok for her when there was onyl one child involved. But now he has a "new" family and is married, that makes it all different and your daughter is no longer the main priority. Sounds like you're being treated as though your daughter is the illegitimate one to me even though she's not.
My view? You're better off without any of them. It'll only end up getting more and more petty. I'd not even let his wife in your home to cry over him-you've been there, done that yourself. Why would you want to sit there while someone does in fron of you over YOUR ex?
Exactly. Get shot of them. All of them. if he decides to take it to court, then let him. It doesn't really sound like he gives a crap really though.

Answer 2

This man is in biological blood relation to your daughter, but by no means is her father. The role of father is earned, not a birth right. I don't support women getting into relationships while they have children, however you did, and it worked. If your current husband is up for the job of dad, I recommend you pack your stuff, and cut ALL ties to your ex. Just tell your daughter that her bio. wasn't able to fulfill the job of "dad" at this point of his life.

I just don't think your daughter needs to go through the heartbreak of losing her dad time and time again.

Answer 3

I don't think you are doing anything wrong at all. Just keep allowing her to go to her grandparents. He will undoubtedly remain selfish but children form their own judgements. Your daughter will grow up to see him for what he is and more to the point see you for the good person you are.

I was in the same situation and my children are well into adulthood and have their own families. One of them sees their father about twice a year, usually to receive presents for his grandchildren, of whom he knows very little and the other has chosen to have no contact whatsoever.

It is all very sad and not what I wanted to happen but I always gave my children the freedom to make up their own minds, even at a very early age.

Answer 4

I think you should just continue as you have been, it sounds like you have been doing okay.