What is the best way to tell my brother not to bring his step child to our family gathering?

Question

His wife does not have custody of the child. She rarely visits with her child. When we have a family gathering , holidays whatever, she makes it a point to go get her child, take her away from her real grandparents and force her into our family gatherings. It is uncomfortable for everyone because we have rarely seen this child. And she doesnt want to be there either so it is very uncomfortable for her. We feel that we have to buy her the same amount of gifts that we buy for our children because she is there. Things are short this year financially and we cannot buy her gifts like we have for our children.

There is more to the situation than I have the space to write here. The child is not 3yrs old . She is 10 and acts 2. She is sneaky and tears up something everytime she is at my parents house. My other brothers kids and my kids do not make a mess like that and tear things up. My SIL is a sorry parent who abandoned her children and the only time she tries to be a parent is at holidays. One of her kids she is not allowed to see at all. I dont like her and I dont like her kid either. I also dont like the person my brother has become since he married her.

BTW tene, will you take the sister in law too? You are welcome to both and her baggage too. It is considerable.

Not one of you would want to deal with this situation if it landed at your house. The child lives everyday with her father and sees his family. SIL only pitches her fits to get this child that she does not want on holidays just to prevent her ex and his family from seeing her on holidays.
No matter what any of you people say,
it is wrong for her to do that. Why should this childs real family and grandparents miss holidays with her when her mother only used the kid to harass her ex and to cause trouble.
She doesnt really want to come to our gatherings herself. She is insanely jealous and wants my brother to "choose" between her and his mother for Christ's sake. There is no choice to make. He is married and mom never goes to their house because she knows it causes him trouble. The only time Mom sees them is when they want something from her and they dump their problems on Mom. And their problems are considerable with all her ex's .

Answer 1

That's truly pathetic. The kid has to miss out on a real family experience because it makes you uncomfortable? I have two step kids. If my family told me not to bring them to a family event, they wouldnt find me there either. As for gifts? A token will be fine. Your brother is trying to build his family. He doesnt need to have his own family deter him.

Answer 2

Seriously, if she doesn't want to be there, why is she coming? Maybe, since you obviously have your own family, you leave your brother to have his own xmas with his own family? Then you maybe can meet up on Boxing day instead - without that gift exchanging pressure for either side.
Maybe she is uncomfortable because she cant afford to give your child/children gifts either? She prob wants her child there for comfort, esp if you guys are reserved toward her(which sound like a very real possibility).
Why don't you put an agreed $5 or $10 limit (for both sides) if you feel you have to exchange gifts.
Now, another point, if she is your bro's wife, then she IS part of your family too! Maybe you could try a bit harder to accept her & her child. And if she doesn't have custody, of course she will want to spend holidays with her!!!
Look, I'm just going with the info you have supplied - there's prob a whole lot more to the story but I've just gone with what I have read. Xmas is about giving, yes, but also peace & love wether you believe in God or not, mabe you need to find it in your heart to have some peace about this, that it will go well & you can all have an enjoyable day. If it all goes up the sh!tter then dont invite them next year!
Good Luck! & Merry Xmas. mwah ;-)

Answer 3

The ten year old child (a human being) may be your prescription and so chance to get rid of your selfish traits. Are you up for the personal challenge of spiritual growth?

Edit: Yes, I know exactly what you mean. But, don't involve the child in it and also don't blame it all on her because brother doesn't exactly sound like the king of his castle or he'd be promoting family including extended. And you? Think about it, why wouldn't he be encouraging his wife to be more involved with her child as a step*father*...what's he getting out of that? Also, is he not encouraging his wife to get along with you/mother and might be whining behind your and mom's back as well. He could be actually pitting the two of you against each other and then some. Where did you get the info on this gals past...your brother? Perhaps his father could shed some light on the subject present or past.

I do not know this for sure: what I do know is it boils down to is everyone owns responsibility for their own actions which include relationship roles whether they like it or not or chaos occurs. 10 is you neice according to marriage. This woman and her struggles in life or made up sap coming from your brother or whomever has nothing to do with today. Therefore, whatever is going on between the two of them concerning isolation is most likely societal rumor based also. Married couples these days are told to get rid of family and you know it so connect the dots here because that would include all married couples related which breaks the whole family down and what is the agenda? Don't feed into this because the bottom line is prophet. Where there is no growth weakness is propheted from.

Answer 4

I agree with allot of these answer's that say your are being selfish and mean , shame on you, no wonder the little girl doesn't like being around you and your family ( if they act and feel the same way you do ) Not only has this little girl been left behind except on holidays by her "mother" but shes treated badly as well. Where is your heart ? Some "good " people buy Christmas gifts for children and adults they have never met, they just know there is a need to bring happiness to people in this ugly world, made ugly by so many ugly people ! Try some kindness and charity in your life it WILL work miracles !

Answer 5

I find your attitude very hard to understand. Open your arms and your heart to the child. Why on earth does she feel unwelcome and uncomfortable?
Buy her one gift, from you. I don't see why you should buy her the same amount as your own children - that's not what aunts, etc do, normally. Her parents are responsible for the gifts she will get.
If you have a problem, tell your brother that you will only buy one present. But for the rest, remember she is only a child who needs love and affection. Maybe your sister in law feels the child needs a proper family.

Edit: Okay, I read your extra note. I still don't think banning her will be helpful. Unfortunately your sil's excess baggage has become your familie's, too.
I would phone your brother, tell him you are buying only one rpesent for the child and that you are hoping for backup from him if you need to check her behaviour. And do check her - no one has the right to behave badly in someone else's home. But watch the way you do it - you must do so in a firm, but not rude way.
The child is not responsible for her parent's behaviour. And by including her, you are showing love to your brother and supporting him by not making his life more difficult. Deal with the kid's behaviour, but don't make an issue out of her existence.

Answer 6

This is really pathetic

You're talking about a 3 yr old child and you can't manage to welcome her into your family? It's probably uncomfortable for her because you are obviously not making her feel welcome.

No, you don't need to buy here the same amount of gifts as your kids. She would probably appreciate 1 or 2 small gifts from the family. She's only 3. It's up to her Mom and that side of the family to provide her normal Christmas.

Did you ever think that maybe it makes it feel a little more like family for your sister-in-law to have her daughter there. Doesn't seem like you folks are capable of making anyone feel that way.

Added: From what I read elsewhere about a younger sister, seems maybe there is an issue of family values in general.

Answer 7

The way you have explained the situation I have come to the conclusion that you have serious problems with this child.
It is a child, for goodness sake. Of course she acts up if she is treated like you explain. This is your brothers child, step child or not. How can you turn a child away because, you. an adult, are being judge mental, prejudice and unkind.

Try turning the situation around. Make friends with this child. show her that you are going to welcome her into the family.
How would you act in her situation. Since you are an adult and are treating a child like this, how do you think if the situation was reversed.

If only we would look after children and love them they would grow up to be happy individuals, and there would be less shootings at school and malls. How do you think the kids that did this shooting felt, How were they treated when they were younger. They wanted revenge for the way they were handled when they were young. They were angry and afraid.
Be a good influence in this child's life, not a negative one.

Answer 8

I'm 55 years old and my own family has treated me like that all my life! My suggestion to you is that you widen your circle of friends, make friends with your neighbours, other families you know, you may meet people who can be as good as Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles to your children. When I got married, my mother-in-law was wonderful to me, and always has been, with us it was my own mother who couldn't care less! I have brothers and they are the ones she was interested in. You can't change other people, just go about your life, find friends where ever you go. I left the country of my birth when I wa 22 and have never looked back - I have more friends than most people I know because I make the time and effort to build and maintain relationships. As far as your husband's family - be pleasant, be polite, but make sure that they do not have the ability to hurt you or your children. Be strong, have lots of other friends.

Answer 9

What a hateful thing for you to want to do. This child did not ask to be put into this situation. She is a victim of circumstance. Do not make her pay for what the adults in her life have done. She might not want to be there because she can tell you do not want her there. Children are very perceptive. You do not have to buy her the same amount of gifts as your kids. Just get her something and make her feel welcome. She has gotten the short end of the stick when it comes to mothers, do not make it worse. All of our children have the potential to be somebodies step children. Would you want yours to feel unwanted? If she is spending Christmas and opening gifts with your children then your brother and his wife should be providing most of these. That is what I would be telling them. Please do not exclude her, she is excluded enough. Get to know the little girl.

Answer 10

1) You need to re-think the meaning of Christmas
2) Might as well tell your brother neither he or the child are welcomed, because if you tell him how you feel you're gonna lose him anyway.
3) Ask SIL or Bro. to provide gifts for the child
4) Be a decent human being & Change your attitude. Try to make the children happy. They will reflect on your Christmas memories when they grow up
5) Be glad christmas comes but once a year.

Question: Are you an adult?

Answer 11

Ok, could just be me, but you're coming across as a little selfish! Have you even spoken to you brother about this? Maybe they can come after you have done the gift exchange and you can just get her a small gift. You shouldn't feel pressured to buy things for anyone, this is Christmas and it's about love and peace on Earth, not who can give or get the most stuff! Just show him what you wrote here, I'm sure you won't have a problem with him wanting to come after that!