I gave her up to adoption at birth, I did it for her I knew I would never make a mom. Now she's 22, and I've found her. Her family are cool, but she just not that interested. Most times she won't return my calls or nothing, she does meet me occasional, and she talk to me when I call, but she dont call me mom or nothing. I feel like I made a mistake now and i want to make up for lost time but she dont' aknowledge me as her mom. What the hell do I do?
2007-12-12 19:05:33 · 40 answers · asked by Nyla S 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Adoption
Even her family been telling her to get to know me, shes not cold or nothing, just don't seem to love me.
2007-12-12 19:06:13 · update #1
Just let it be, and give it time. It may take a few years for her to warm up. Just don't give up but don't pressure it either.
2007-12-12 19:08:31 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 17⤊ 1⤋
I've heard that this is kinda typical behavior. It's almost like she's doing to you what you did to her. It's not on purpose or anything, but the hurt of being adopted comes out like that. She's kinda rejecting you, because you rejected her.
She's only 22, so she's pretty young still and probably hasn't really faced how she feels about being adopted. She may need a lot more time to figure that out.
My birth mom found me in my early twenties and I had much the same reaction. I wanted to know her, but on MY terms, and when I wanted to...not when she did. I think it must partly stem from the loss of control you have as a baby being given away to strangers. I needed to get some of that control back!
So my advice is, let her make all the decisions. If she wants to see you, great, if not, accept it. If all she wants to do is email or talk on the phone once in awhile, then that's going to have to be ok with you...otherwise you will chase her away and have nothing.
Take what contact she's willing to give and see where it takes you, and don't be suprised if she is angry with you at some point and expresses that to you in some way. It may hurt you to hear it, but it will help her to express it, and I know that what you want deep down is her best interest, her health and happiness, right?
Oh, and she'll never call you mom...ever, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't still need you in her life, just not in that way.
Best to you and to her.
2007-12-12 23:39:00 · answer #2 · answered by Snow Flake 3 · 11⤊ 0⤋
Nyla,
I feel your pain right down to my bones. I worried every day whether I did the right thing, if my daughter got a good home, if she was being taken care of properly, and most of all if she was going to hate me for what i did. I was actually willing to stand in front of her and let her beat the crap out of me if I ever got the chance to meet her. I figured I deserved it. I did get to meet her and Thank God she didn't hit me. We have had a great relationship for 8 years now. Your daughter got a good home, she got a cool family, she was taken care of properly. She got all the things you wished for her. Half of your nightmares are over. I must have gotten 7 or 8 phone calls that were people looking for a birth parent but they had the wrong number. It wasn't the call that I had been waiting for. When i did get my call, I wanted to talk to her every day. I wanted to know everything about her. I wanted to make up for so much that was lost but I couldn't, what's lost is lost. We started slow and awkward. I think PhilM is on the right track it's a rollercoaster ride, but you don't want that ride to end so you have to refrain from going to fast no matter how much your heart tells you to. We started with small things, like a name, her hands, body style, where it all came from. Who she resembles, who's attitude she has, (I swear I don't know where that came from. LOL ) Good thing she didn't want to hit me. The girl can pack some attitude. Just start small, exchange pictures if you can. Talk briefly on the phone instead of trying to cram all of it into one conversation or sitting, if your together. Do lunch. Walk through the mall and point out what each of you likes. Have ice cream. As far as her calling you mom. Don't let it bother you. I'm not mom, her mother is and I wouldn't have it any other way. The woman has earned that right. Decide what's more important, the title or the relationship with your daughter. Frankly, my daughter can call me schmickenspud if she wants to as long as she keeps calling. Your half way there, keep your chin up and remember her age does play a big part in this. She may be an adult legally but she's still a young one.
Bless you for being so brave as to care so much about another human being that you would put your own feelings aside and be willing to suffer the unknown for so many years just to see to it that they got something better than what you could have offered. How can you call that a mistake? It was a selfless act of caring, and it worked.
2007-12-13 08:24:45 · answer #3 · answered by Lori A 5 · 6⤊ 1⤋
She is probably very hurt and angry that you abandoned her. It doesn't matter what your reasons were for the adoption, abandonment is abandonment.
Whether your daughter realizes it or not, she has suffered a huge trauma.
For some reason, many adoptees have a fierce loyalty to their adopters. Even if their adopters were less than ideal parents. Many adoptees have swallowed the crap propagated by the adoption industry and society at large: be grateful, you could have been aborted, etc. Thusly many adoptees feel downright guilty for having relationships with their real families.
Your daughter is still quite young. When I was 22 I was a mess thanks to the horror of adoption.
Give her time. Give her space. Stay in contact, but don't make any demands. You owe her that. She has a right to take things at her own pace. She didn't sign up for the adoption, you and her adopters did.
Remember, it doesn't matter what she calls you. You are still her mother.
2007-12-15 20:41:51 · answer #4 · answered by ? 3 · 3⤊ 2⤋
Oh, my heart goes out to you. And it goes out to her also.
Give it time. It has been 22 years during which you were only, perhaps, a fantasy to her. No matter how wonderful you are, this is a big change for her, and it will take awhile for her to figure out how she feels about you, and about having been adopted.
And it doesn't sound as if she "doesn't want to know you" at all, if she meets with you and talks to you on the phone. It could just be her age, frankly. Think back to yourself at 22. Would you have wanted to hang out with someone the age you are now? She is in the process of building her life -- and it sounds as if she is willing to include you in it. Maybe not as much as you want right now, but that may change as she matures.
I wouldn't push having her call you Mom. At 22 it is normal to distance yourself a bit from even parents that raised you, because you need to develop a different kind of relationship between adults. I don't think you should try to push the mom role either too much, because she may not be wanting even ONE mom right now, much less two. You should maybe perhaps try to act more as if you were an aunt, or a mentor. Of course you are her first mother and gave her life, and both of you know that, but the relationship will be something different from that of a mother and the daughter she raised.
I feel for your wanting to "make up for lost time," but that will take time and care. You cannot make up for 22 years in one year, and if you push too hard, you may push her away. It sounds as if she is willing to have a friendly relationship with you. Treasure and nurture that -- gently.
Maybe it would help to have some other outlet for the intense feelings you have, so that she does not feel responsible for them. Perhaps a counselor would help, especially if you feel you made a mistake. That could help you to put less pressure on the relationship with your daughter, and without pressure the relationship could blossom -- when she's ready.
Good luck with all of this. Take gentle care of yourself and reach out to your friends for support.
2007-12-12 20:02:14 · answer #5 · answered by spydermomma 5 · 10⤊ 1⤋
You have to respect her wishes. Sometimes they feel like they're being disrespectful to their adoptive parents if they have a relationship with their birth parents. She's young yet and she may change her mind when she's more mature, but until then you need to just back off and let her live her life.
2007-12-16 04:50:23 · answer #6 · answered by karen m 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
From my experiences, this is more common when first mothers contact their relinquished children. I don't know what your daughter is thinking, but I can share with you my experience.
When I started searching for my first mom, I started down a rollercoaster ride I wasn't fully prepared for (though I thought I was). I went through a hundred different emotions every hour (now it's down to a hundred a day). When I started, I thought I just wanted to know some basic things. By the time I found her, I was desperate to know everything about her, and I was scared she would reject me again. After we talked, I went back and forth about what I wanted, how I felt, etc.
And I had prepared myself (again, or so I thought).
Whatever your daughter's feelings, whether she was planning on looking for you or not, this has probably come as quite a surprise. She probably didn't have a chance to work through some of her feelings. She needs time. (She may never come around, but she needs time to decide.)
As for the "mom" thing, every adoptee I've talked to about this has to resolve this for themselves. Some, like me, call their first mothers "mom." Some don't. There's a lot of baggage and emotional turmoil that come with that word. For some it's completely positive, but unique. For others, it's a word fraught with peril. For me, it's a term with mixed implications. You may have one idea about what the word means, but your daughter may have others. You need to accept her decision on this. That's not easy, I know. But you do.
Indeed, that was the one thing my first mom did that helped me the most. (And she's still doing it.) She accepted whatever I wanted in the situation. She lets me take the lead. How often we talk, when we see each other, what our relationship will be. She accepts whatever I can and want to give her, and she never pushes for more. That has really helped ease me into a very close relationship with her.
You need to listen to your daughter. She probably has a lot of conflicting emotions about this, and she may not be ready to deal with them. Or she may not know how. But you have to let her sort them out.
I know you want it all now. I really do understand that. But if you push, you'll probably end up with nothing. Be patient. It sounds like you hurt for missing the first 22 years of her life. But you also need to try to imagine how she feels.
I wish you both well. I hope you can find a way together. Good luck.
2007-12-13 04:04:55 · answer #7 · answered by blank stare 6 · 14⤊ 1⤋
At this point, I'd just back off a little and let her call the shots. It's hard, I know, but pushing too hard might push her away, and once the relationship is damaged, it's almost impossible to salvage.
Believe me, I know. (Been there, done that with my own mother).
People change, feelings change, and especially adoptees, our feelings about our adoptions and our n-mothers change throughout the course of our lives, so take it easy and let her lead the way. If she is open now to meeting up sometimes, then that's great! Just don't do too much, be happy with what you have.
It's easy to read into what you DON'T have; try not to do that and be happy with what you DO have.
2007-12-12 23:46:09 · answer #8 · answered by Lillie 5 · 14⤊ 1⤋
ok well I'm adopted and i might only be 14 but know how she fees
not to be mean or anything but ur not her mom her mom is the one how brought her up and if she does not wont to get to know u that's her choice and if u keep pushing her shes just going to pull farther a way
2007-12-16 13:19:02 · answer #9 · answered by kenzie c 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I like my firstmother and I don't call her Mom. You are expecting too much and pushing way to hard.
And just because her adoptive family likes you doesn't mean she has to. She is a grown woman and has the right to make her own decisions.
Maybe for now you should try to focus on what she wants instead of your own expectations.
2007-12-13 09:24:52 · answer #10 · answered by Isabel A 4 · 8⤊ 1⤋
Right know your daughter is reeling from all types of emotions. When I met my birthmother for the first time, I felt no connection. To me she was the woman that carried me for 9 months and gave birth to me. I had a mother that took care of me since i was 18 mths. So to me I couldn't call her "mom" when i met her. I also felt alot of anger and resentment towards her, because in my eyes i felt i could never give up a baby. I couldn't understand why she gave me up but kept my younger siblings. Your daughter may be coming to terms on why you gave her up. She may be trying to find where you fit in her life, because she has parents. I would just back off just a little, i mean send a letter now and then and do a phone call occasionally. But don't push a relantionship on her, because it may run her the other way. Let her make the first step. As for her recongizing you as her mom. I can say from my experince i never recongized my birth mother as "mom", I only associated her as the nice woman who gave birth to me. To me "mom" was designated toward the woman that raised me. So, she may not call you mom, but that may not mean she doesn't love you, or does not want a relationship with you. Again please be patient with her. It took me 10 years to reconnect with my birth family after meeting them. It was a long hard road emotionally. I wish you the best.
peace,
healing adoptee
2007-12-12 23:58:00 · answer #11 · answered by a healing adoptee 4 · 10⤊ 3⤋