My boyfriend and I have always had an underlying issue concerning his ex, who he was still very angry/hurt/obssesed with when we started dating. He talked my ear off about "how badly she screwed him up" for what seemed like an eternity, and seemingly over night he got over it and was suddenly ready for a serious relationship. It's been good for months. Today, I was using his cell phone and went outside to call someone, and had the urge to look through his text messages. There were messages from her asking him to bring her something back from his upcoming trip, and just being really cutesy. The other day we argued a little because he went on a 20 minute rant about how she "had the nerve to call him because she was depressed and then abruptly got off the phone because she was going out with her new boyfriend." Me, of course, getting pissed that he's even taking her calls after how badly she supposedly hurt him. Now that I see these messages I don't know what to think. Should I tell him?
2007-12-12 14:52:15 · 10 answers · asked by Sunflower 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
tell him...it's so sensitive a topic not to tell him..besides, if he can't trust you with that, he won't trust you with anyone else
2007-12-12 14:57:22 · answer #1 · answered by Ginny Weasley 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
People that treat us badly usually get to treat us badly because we exhibit an inexplicable (and unchracteristic) weakness where those particular people are concerned...weaknesses that they exploit whenever it suits their purposes. We know this intellectually, and we even recognize it while it's going on, but we still often find ourselves powerless to resist it until we truly arrive at a point where we're sick enough of the manipulation. Viewed in this light, your boyfriend's behavior isn't all that odd (though it has the quality of being counter to what he professes with his mouth). It is understandably frustrating dealing with someone (guy or girl) while they're going through this because they seem to contradict themselves at nearly every turn, but this passes in time. The question for you is, can you hang in there until it does?
As to whether or not you should tell him that you snooped and found this information, this is a judgment call you will have to evaluate carefully. Oftentimes at the center of betrayals by exes are trust issues...usually the ex has violated trust on a lot of levels, and because of how vulnerable we are to that particular person, this jaded expectation of being betrayed in some fashion extends to the next relationship we attempt. I say this so you can prepare yourself for the fact that this snooping act may represent a far deeper wound to him than it would to you. Ordinarily I recommend honesty at all times; but this may well be something you should keep to yourself, at least for awhile.
He's aware that he's vulnerable where she's concerned, and he doesn't like that feeling. He will not be content to leave things like that forever. The real decision is whether you care to wait him out. Good luck to you.
2007-12-12 23:13:44 · answer #2 · answered by Captain S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would tell him that you snoop and also admit that you were wrong. Apologize but ask for an explanation.
I hate to tell you , but it sounds as though he isn't over this person. He shouldn't have started dating seriously until he had resolved his feelings for his ex.
Ask him calmly if he wants out of your relationship. He might very well say yes. That will hurt but it would hurt much more if the relationship continued and you got more emotionally involved.
2007-12-12 23:41:44 · answer #3 · answered by just me 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes keeping conflicting feelings like that all locked up can be pretty dangerous. especailly if you were angry with him one day and just lost it about all this too. so just ask him who is more important to him. in person too. that way you can tell if he lies or if he hesitates. if he says or implies she is then dump is sorry butt and find someone who will focus on your relationship and not a heartbreak that happened in the past. its one thing to talk about a past relationship because its hard for you to commit to a new person. and it another to rant just because your hurt. so tell it too him straight. its you or her and he has to just get over her because if not there will be nothing between you and him.
2007-12-12 23:00:23 · answer #4 · answered by Cass 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell him what?
He's obviously not completely over her.
You don't have as much of an issue with him as you do with yourself.
Why do you allow yourself to stay with a man who has an un-resolved relationship with his ex?
As for snooping on his phone, shame on you.
Now look where your compromising has gotten you.
If you want to regain your pride, then reset your standards, & let him know you will be around for him when he is able to give you his FULL attention.
2007-12-12 23:01:42 · answer #5 · answered by No More 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No. You shouldn't tell him. What good would it do anyway? He's not over her, and she's not over him. He's just going to keep lying to you, because you keep asking. He's also going to continue his 'relationship' with her behind your back, because you put up with it. If you really don't mind sharing, be quiet. If you mind, get out. Chances are good that he's going to go back to her one day, and all the 'talking his ear off' isn't going to change it.
2007-12-12 22:59:06 · answer #6 · answered by bill b 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i dont think you should tell him..yet. if more things go on maybe it would be a good idea to let him know that it is bothering you. honesty is really the best thing. if you guys are really serious like you say then it should be alright for you to really let him know how you feel about everything. im sure you would want to know if the situation was flipped. if he had concerns with you, wouldnt you want him to let you know about it?
2007-12-12 22:58:14 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell him. If you keep it in you, it will only hurt you more and drive you crazy. Let out the steam if you have any but I think your BF is being honest with you!
2007-12-12 22:59:01 · answer #8 · answered by Protik Maitra 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ok look he probly jus makin it look like he doesnt hav any feelings for her anymore cuz obviously if he bothers himself to anser the fone then he has som kinda feeling to anser the fone if she was stressin him out he wouldnt even assosiate himself wit her idk truthfully wat hes thinkin but he needs to stop anserin the fone n u should approve him about that n if he gets mad at u for that then jus ignore him until he gives u the respect u deserve as a girlfriend.
2007-12-12 22:59:00 · answer #9 · answered by Majic 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You shouldn't have been snooping....haven't you heard of the 4th amendment lol
2007-12-12 22:58:20 · answer #10 · answered by Stan Gemini 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋