I am not sure how to handle this but it is working on my last nerve and I think I am gonna lose it..?

Question

I have my 2 nieces and nephews and have had them about a year and a half. My sister left them and took off.
I already have 3 kids...so this makes 6.
The thing is, is people who know the situation are constantly saying things like "Those poor babies" or "I feel just aweful for them"
I truely think these type of comments are going to lead to a sort of "victim complex" and I do not want that.
I know people are trying to say whatever sounds comforting but I really don't like this.
Heck I have many people tell me I should apply for that show "Extreme Makeover" and while the prospect of having a house that we all fit into sounds wonderful , the prospect of having so much more unwarranted attention gives me the jitters.
What can I say to people that isn't outright offensive but gets the point across that I do not want people to say comments like that around the kids?

Sorry about the wrong catergory...I just realized I put this in RS as RS is my home and out of habit put it here.

Hmm here is the thing. I have hardly said crap actually. Yet the school knows (they kinda had to know as they have to have court records on file) and I work for the schools...so thats how people know.
And those people talk to other people and so on.
Actaully if truth be known I have begged my hubby to move elsewhere...where people do not know.
So please do not assume that I am telling anyone anything.

Answer 1

I like your spunk and your love quotient, as well. Couldn't you respond just as you did in your question: "Neither the children nor I are victims. We have been brought together in love and live in love as a family. My life is enriched for their presence, and I trust that theirs are enriched by mine and my family's. After all, family is what one makes of it, and we are creating very close and loving bonds. They will learn that adversity can be overcome and that happiness is an inside job, not something defined by strangers. Our family motto is: the more, the merrier. Life is full of surprises, and these children are a lovely surprise for our family. They give as much to us as we do to them." Your best bet is to always be positive and smiling when responding to others, and humor brings an added dimension to the authenticity of your statements. How fortunate you and the children are to have an opportunity to practice Love. I am Sirius

Answer 2

Smile, say thank you, and let it go. They really are trying to offer you support,and are at a loss how to do so.

If you feel like you must say something, say, "I'm just so blessed by having them in my home." or "We make a great family, though, don't we?"

Children learn what they live. These kids both yours and your sister's, will learn responsibility, love, respect, kindness, and generosity from you. They would be worse off with their natural mother, it sounds, so really, those babies are not "poor little victims" at all. They are lucky and loved.

May all children be as blessed.

Edit - after re-reading my answer, I sounded to myself as if I were sort of bashing your sister. That wasn't my intent. If you feel that way, and I wouldn't blame you for doing so, best not to discuss that in front of the kids. That's an adult problem, and they are not ready to deal with it. Also, kids of divorce often hear how lousy their dad or mother is from the other parent, and they think, "well, how far does the apple fall from the tree? If Mom is really a bad person, then I must be a bad person too." A couple of your other posters suggested that you handle any discussions about their mother, especially negative ones, out of their earshot. That is extremely sound advice, and I'm going thumbs up on them!

Answer 3

Consider setting up a time to speak with your boss about what is happening, and how it affects your work. You need to be factual and avoid making the situation a personal attack on the individual that is getting on your last nerve. An example of what your conversation might start like: "When "Joe" is asking me to do something, he makes demands that stop me in my tracks. For example, yesterday he said "(use exact words that "Joe" used here"). I get the impression he is unhappy with something, but I can't figure it out. This type of thing has been going on for a while. Can you help me solve this?" If this person is being counterproductive to the workplace, your boss should be aware of the situation. You should also realize that just because you don't like the way he talks to you, doesn't mean that they are doing anything wrong. You could be experiencing what the culture of your company is, and it's just a bad match for you. If you choose to address this, you need to be very sure that you are ready to show why the behavior you are experiencing is causing you (and possibly others) to be less productive. Lastly, If what is being said is to you is harassing, you may have legal rights. Go to www.eeoc.gov and click on harassment to read what workplace protection you have.

Answer 4

They've got to stop saying that. You are absolutely right; this happened in my husband's family and the child in question was nearly ruined by such comments. Sometime when the kids aren't around, this could be addressed. You could even bring it up yourself without pointing out the person's getting on your nerves. You could say, "I'm so proud of the way the kids are adjusting and not feeling sorry for themselves or anything." And then go on from there. (My mother-in-law is a master at this kind of thing.) If they don't take the hint, you'll have to get more forthright.

I don't blame you about the Extreme Makeover, I'd feel the same way.

Answer 5

I'm guessing you meant "Extreme Home-makeover" or whatever they call it....right?

Anyway, you might just want to tell them that it may not helpful to the kids to remind them of their predicament. If they are successfully adapting to a new setting, they do not need to be reminded of the reasons why they were forced to adapt in the first place, or to give them the impression that they are to be pitied for it. They may not feel that this is a big deal at all until other people start making fusses about it.

So, yeah, just tell them to not bring the issue up around them, or to shower them with sympathy, because it will make the kids feel strange about the whole thing.

Answer 6

First, I think if "Extreme Makeover" can help give you and the kids a better life then you should do it. As for all the little comments I would simply answer them in this way" they are blessed, they have me and they have a roof over their heads, food in their bellies and someone who loves them and looks out for them". Then just walk away. As long as you know your doing your best to take care of them then everything will be fine. Do the Extreme Makeover, you deserve it.

Answer 7

Just let people know that you feel it is very important to the kids (all of them) that the 3 "newbies" are part of the family, an important part, and that needs to be the focus.

Let them know that yes, it was a bad situation, but that the good that came from it is even better than the bad. Ask them to focus on the good things.

Best of luck, and may your new improved family prosper.

Answer 8

Tell them you appreciate there concern but when they say it in front of the children it hurts them,no matter how bad a mom is kids still love them,why i do not know i guess its just the innocence of children.So be polite but let them know its inappropriate for people to talk about bad situations around children they hear enough on T V and the news.God Bless

Answer 9

To be honest, I'd find their attitude rather insulting...

Simply say that the kids are very happy with you, you love them very much and you're one big happy family.

It wouldn't hurt to mention that you're the one caring for them and putting a roof over their heads...unlike your sister...so they're better off with you anyway.

If they were still with their mother, those comment might be fitting, but they are being loved and cared for, so people should keep their mouths shut...

(PS. You sound like an awesome foster mum/aunt. Good on you!)

Answer 10

People say things because they don't know what else to say.
Ask them why they feel sorry for the kids, they are living with an aunt that loves them very much and they know it.

Last thing you want is the kids to have a poor-me attitude.



PS - You are a fabulous Auntie!