To "keep up family relations", should I speak up or stay quiet about my mother's skewed judgements about me?

Question

I would like a bit of advice on this topic. It sounds harsh to say, but I really think that my mother has some sort of psychological issue(s) that my sister and I (more heavily on me than on my sister) are target of.

I truly believe that my mother subconsciously tries to make my sister and I have low self-esteem in attempt to have us not be self-reliant.

For example: She does things like saying if we feel good about how we look, then we will get in a horrible car wreck and be disfigured; this will be God's way of "teaching us a lesson".

Or she is constantly thinking I am incapable of taking care of myself and telling me things like "I can't afford to pay your student loan payments". In reality, I haven't asked my parents to pay for ANYTHING since I turned 18. I put myself through college, paid for everything (rent, car, etc.), and never once requested any financial assistance from my parents.

I could write pages of examples, but this gives you the basic jist of the situation. The REALLY frustrating part is that she has a Master's degree in Counseling, and is currently a junior-high/high-school counselor. She should KNOW how to evaluate her actions and see them as inappropriate.

This has been going on for years, and for years, but my sister and I have taken the "in one ear and out the other" approach. But for me at least, it is becoming such a heavy issue I have started dreading things like visiting for the holidays, or even talking on the phone to my mother. I just know every time I talk to her, anything that *I* would say is a stupid idea in her mind, and it's really starting to take a toll on me. I hate feeling this way about my family.

More examples:

She harps on me for not getting out and doing things. (Things SHE would like to do, not things I would like.) I could care less about going hiking on nature trails or going to cooking classes, those are her types of things. I mentioned to her I was thinking of finding a bowling league to join, and her reply is "you know, they expect you to be there every week!". I'm thinking "Isn't that the point?". (Strangely enough, I danced for 17 years, and I was there every week. Actually, I was there 2-3 times a week.)

She also worries to the point of it being ridiculous. My sister lives just miles from the beach, and if she mentions taking her kids to the beach on the weekend, my mother is freaked out that they will get eaten by sharks. She tends to freak out about very unlikely situations.
.

One more thing, just to clarify, I know that mothers will always be mothers, and will give advice whether requested or not; and I wouldn't mind it if were just "motherly advice". But it seems like my mother tries to knock both my sister and I down just enough that be manipulated into giving in to what she [my mother] wants. It doesn't seem like motherly advice so much as keeping control.

Answer 1

Have you pointed out her off the wall statements? Start keeping a journal of her craziness. Then after you have a few pages show her. Maybe she doesn't realize how frequently she's tearing you down or that she is tearing you down. If this doesn't help I would tell her that if she doesn't knock it off then you will not spend time with her. Good Luck!

Answer 2

My mother-in-law is much the same way. Speaking from my own experience I would advise you to say something. I spoke to my mother-in-law about it and although it started a huge fight that lasted quite some time, at least I was able to let it go because I got it out. It seemed for awhile that that was all it did, but over time, I think my MIL was able to get over her anger and hurt and actually listen to what I said and she has made many changes in the way she treats me.
I don't think that people like your mother or my MIL are bad people, I think they just don't realize what they are doing and sometimes bringing it to their attention is worth the risk of the possible trouble it may cause.
When you talk to her, just remember for every criticism you give her, give her a compliment. Tell her something good she has done for you and then tell her something that has hurt you. Try to be as diplomatic as possible while still getting your feelings across and then you can look back and know that you handled it the right way, so no matter what happens, you will have no regrets and quite possibly things will change for the better.

Answer 3

As a Mother of two 30+ year old Adults I must say I agree with you!

I think you need to have a serious talk with her, tell her that you are an adult now and wish to be treated like one. I'd also tell her that her behaviour is pushing you away and that although you don't want it to happen, you can't take any more of it. Be honest with her and whatever happens try to remain calm and just point out the inconsistancies of her statements. Tell her the good things you love about her as well because She could be scared of letting you grow up and feels your leaving her, reassure her that it won't happen unless she is the one who pushes you away!
My mother in law was similar and it cost her dearly in the end. None of her children would say anything and spent time with her only on family occassions like Christmas, and that was begrudged. Mind you she treated her Daughters in law the same! It hurt me more how she used to put my husband down, but by the time I met him he wasn't interested in healing the rift between them!

Hey perhaps I should try it, I can't get my son to even leave home and my daughter spends a great deal of time with me, even though she lives 5 miles away in the next town! Just Joking I love it really.
Good luck!!!

Answer 4

Good Morning,
I can connect with you on multiple levels about the issues you have with your mom. I don't have the same problem with my mom- she tries to lift me up, rather than put me down, but it also comes with adverse results. She thinks that I'm so super-humanly capable that nothing I do in my life is good enough for me. However, the reason I feel that I can relate to your position is because I feel like I'm in a constant struggle to "keep the peace", as I call it.

There is, however, a deeper reason for my Mom's constant attempts to validate me: she had a similar relationship with her mother, throughout her life, to the one you have with yours. She has shared her disappointment about the strained relationship she had with her mother several times. Her mother used to put her down all the time. This is probably why she tries so hard not to do the same to me.

You may want desperately to repair the relationship you have with your mom by speaking up, but this may prove futile because you can't change your mother. You can only change the way you react to the things she says. You can let her know that she has hurt you, but I don't recommend doing so in the form of a personal attack or plea to change. Don't burn a bridge because you'll regret it In the long run. I strongly recommend speaking with a therapist to help yourself come to terms with your strained relationship with your mother so you won't suffer as a result of it.

Answer 5

If you consider that you simply might remorse no longer telling him the way you believe earlier than he actions away, then inform him. But recall simply since he is relocating does not imply that it is good-bye endlessly. Keep in contact with him over the web and the mobile. Even should you go this threat up, an extra possibility will gift itself.

Answer 6

Tell her straight out how you feel. If she is counseling her students like this, I feel sorry for them. Instead of taking it, come right out and tell her how you feel. If she doesn't like it tell her that you will not call or come around until she can talk to you appropriately. No one has to get abused. What she is doing is mental abuse.

Answer 7

Mom needs counceling. You sound fine.