My best friend is a single mom as of the past year. She is getting NO child support, and they have no way of getting him to pay because he typically doesn't work, and when he does it's all "under the table." So, how do you do it, and how do you keep your thoughts positive for you and your children? What could I do to help her out?
2007-12-12 07:20:28 · 19 answers · asked by fontainegraphix 3 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
All of you are great!! Thank you for the answers so far. I'm seeing alot of the same, so that helps!!
2007-12-12 07:37:40 · update #1
I adore being a mom so much that I'm thankful for every moment I have, to have been given this opportunity to have a child. Sure times are hard and money is tight, but I enjoy every minute I have with my child. There are tons of women who want children and can't have them who would gladly be a single mom just for the love of a child.
2007-12-12 07:29:24 · answer #1 · answered by gypsy g 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I also am a single mom with no child support. I also have no family support. It is just me and the kids and my full time university. I keep a positive atmoshpere by remembering my own childhood. I had a mom and a dad and grandparetns and autns and cousins and unlces everywhere and my childhood had me in therapy and on medication for years until I realized the term 'emotional abuse' applied to how I was raised. Since I had such a bad childhood, I find it easy to give my kids the opposite. I really love being a single mom. I am really really good with money and I don't have a bad relationship draining my energy, so the kids get all of me. My kids seem so happy. I was very proud when the teacher of my grade schooler said to me the other day that my daughter is one of the 2 most confident, acedimic kids in her class. I love being a mom. If I dont' get a relationship in 5 years, than when I am done my degree and am making more money, I will adopt another child. I would much rather be a single mom than be a married mom that has a less happy life.
2007-12-12 07:32:52 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
I do it with support from friends and family. When it's been a rough week there's nothing better than having a friend to call or visit even if it's just for an hour. Also maybe your friend could try journaling all of the great moments there is as a parent. I do it and it's really nice to go back and read when I'm feeling down. It's a great way to stop stressing about what I may not have and appreciate all that I do have.
2007-12-12 13:45:16 · answer #3 · answered by Meg 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What people who talk about him "being there and doing nothing is the same" forget is even if all he does is work and come home and sit one his azz, that 2nd income makes a HUGE difference in stress levels and distance from the poverty line.
In the meantime til she is once again in a 2 parent household:
cash assistance from gov't
food stamps
medicaid
WIC
max out on student loans and live off the refund left over after tuition and fees!
seriously, becoming a student while a single parent is the single smartest and easiest way tokeep income levels up as a single parent, because you can take out the maximum possible in student loans and use it to pay off all expenses like rent, childcare, utilties, phone...just prepay everything and work on getting good grades and taking care of your child.
Solving money issues goes a LONG way to making women mentally and physically relaxed and happy, child or no child!
What you can do is babysit once every weekend night and tell her whether she wants to go anywhere or not, she should take the time for herself, curl up and read a book, or get involved and get out there and meet new people. Often a woman (after a reasonable period of time after becoming a single parent) can feel like she's a mother and never a woman anymore because of the lack of even casual dates. These people don't need to come in her house and meet her child but they can easily take her out to the movies and dinner or to shared volunteer activities that allows her to socialize with opposite sex her own age outside of work!
She needs to also have time to exercise, if it's just a TaeBo video at home...basically help her have the time to become a wellrounded person so she can be a happy parent.
Unless you can do the money thing consistently, don't start paying for anything that you can't keep paying for. When money is tight it's too easy to get hooked on receiving a certain income from a certain source, and too easy for her to get resentful or the friendship to strain if you stop the money coming in cause as a single parent who is not working a post-grad job, there is no such thing as too much money. One time things like christmas gifts are good though.
And definitely be a good sounding board and source of objective advice. Don't start getting tired of hearing her talk about how hard it is, cause she needs an outlet where she can stop being superwoman for a minute and face her fears...but do be positive and show her the silver lining without dismissing the fact that there is, in fact, a cloud.
2007-12-12 08:00:13 · answer #4 · answered by MissJamaica 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I have the same problem. I was married to my son's father for 7 years. You keep the child first. If you remember this isn't about you then you will get through it. I have had to sacrifice and go without a lot but in the end it is worth it. Eventually he will have to pay. It isn't easy, but no one ever said it would be. A lot of love and support from friends and family helped me to get through. What you could do to help out would be to offer to babysit, bring groceries over sometimes or offer to cook. Bye new clothing items. Just be there as a friend that is the most important thing. You are so sweet to even ask about it.
Something else I would like to add: It took me 2 years for the court to finally get my ex-husband to pay. He hasn't had a real job since we moved to this state and it was clear he would be working under the table to avoid paying. Your friend must go to the local court and file a child support order. They will locate him via his social security number and any money he does get will get taken out as a wage withholding. If she doesn't file the paperwork she will never get it. If she has already, she needs only to go back to court. If he doesn't show they can put a capias out for him and a marshall will pick him up and he will serve jail time. It took a long time, but that is what happened to my ex. He finally had to pay a lump sum for part of what he owed. It is a vicious circle though because after that lump sum he hasn't been paying and now I have to wait for a wage withholding. Best bet is to depend on yourself really, because you know that you are going to let you down...
2007-12-12 08:57:51 · answer #5 · answered by bonstermonster20 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I have been a single parent for 5 years, since my oldest was 5 and my youngest was 2. At first I was resentful that I was getting no support, financial help, etc, from my ex. But now, I tell myself that I am on my own, in charge, and anything extra that comes my way from the ex is just gravy.
In some ways, knowing that I was totally on my own was very freeing. It meant that I did not have to answer to my ex in any way.
Financially it is always tight, and I have to work two jobs. But all of my kids are doing great and have really learned that they can't always get everything they want and that we live on a budget. They have adjusted well and it really helps our family see themselves as a team.
If you want to help your friend out, be there to listen to her. Maybe offer to babysit one evening or afternoon so that she can have a little time off. If you can afford it, offer practical help like buying the kids snow boots, school photos, or a week of summer camp.
Help her see that lack of money is not the end of the world. She can improve her education and job prospects. She will be proud of making it on her own without the help of her loser ex-husband.
2007-12-12 07:34:15 · answer #6 · answered by bugged to death 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
The child support will catch up with him! I take my daughter to the park, the play place at the mall, we do crafts, play in the snow...things that don't require a lot of money. We are super close and it keeps me in a good mood. There are times tho that I just cry and can't help it. But 95% of the time I'm happy. I love being a mother and I know that one of these days it will get easier.
2007-12-12 16:08:41 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I hang with my R&S buddies and occasionaly go roaming when I really should be working. I work towards my goal of becoming top contributor which I have really given up on. Now I am trying to become a bottom contributor for life. Really can't set your goals too high. Oh and then when I am not working I am either with Dave or crying that he is somewhere else. That helps me get closer to my goal of becoming Mrs Dave F. That one is gonna happen unlike the TC thing.
2016-05-23 06:12:45 · answer #8 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if you can't look at your offspring and feel happy then you need to get help!
mentially!
i know we all have our days but your children should help you stay positive! hey it's not easy! so don't give up!
as for money
it's hard i was supporting my mother and myself with a part time job cuz no other place would hire me! that all changed now but i will never forget what i learned weather you do this or not is well not posted so don't mind me being sort of detailed!
1. cut all cost -- sucks but you need Water Shelter Heat and FOOD anything else is not important! stay positive by doing stuff together with out tv or ipod or music for that matter go out side cut your intenet off! you can use your public library for FREE
that alone should help out money wise and boy it did suck at first gettin re adjusted to not having cable or internet! i'll be honest i cried! but i had to step up mom wasn't doing much to help (she never looked for a job or anything)
but i couldn't let anything hold me back i wanted what i wanted and mom (single) taught me that!
but it gave me more time to appsheciate the small stuff again!
the tiny things that i have forgotten
going to a park with the other family memeber eating hotdogs the cheap ones cuz that's all we could afford!
sadly i look back now and miss it i miss that fun time!
if you go to dollar stores don't buy anything unless you NEED it remember what you need? good that was hrd for me i never thought it would add up to be so much. but5 bucks here and there for some instant gradifaction what a waste!
i tried to stop smoking but that was my one release so i failed at that -- funny i don't smoke now! over a year!
and when things get really bad just start looking at what you made yes those kids..
and forcing the positive hard but sometimes funny and will at least get you thinking in a pattern!
so you say that rug looks good by that door i did a good job!
Wow i cut his hair and it looks not bad at all
that frame goes good with that photo
those decorations look good
wow that was a real positive thought it will come after you try hard!
don't forget to check your state for assistance! nothing to be ashamed of unless you soak it up.. ( like my mom still does) i changed after i put my foot down and was a mom to my mom almost 180 to be frank i'm very happy i did what i had to do sadly my mom is still in the same boat we were in 5 years ago!
she shops at dollar stores with very little money then ask why she don't have food!
as long as you try then you have positiveness running throught you
another way is to not use negitive words
2007-12-12 08:45:55 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
he's basically a deadbeat!! he's keeping himself from having anyone take anything straight out of his paycheck,that's why he's working under the table job's...and what state are yall' in where they can't get to him..even working under the table i have been thru that and the only thing he did was make it worser for him and they granted me more because of him trying to work under the table..but she has to also keep an open mind and positive one because whether she know's it or not they are loved, and they wake up each morning knowing just that..i keep myself positive for my girls all the time being happy makes them happy, he just has no idea of what he is missing out on..tell her to continue to hold her head high and keep her positive attitude and raise them to the best of her ability because it pays off,when she see all that she accomplished as they get older and successfull from all of her doing and positive out comes as a single parent...lol
2007-12-12 07:32:10 · answer #10 · answered by curious 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋