Accepting His Child As My Own?

Question

My fiance has a child as a result of a ex trying to trap him. As he should he has remained a father figure in this childs life.

now we're getting serious. Now don't bash me... I have no children of my own... I want to accept this child. I am trying and I do care for hima nd never want him hurt. It's just weird having someone elses child and having to treat it as my own? How do I accept him as my own? I want to but the feelings aren't there. My partner is no help, he just thinks these feeling are instant.

I want to be a strong figure for this child but the motherly feelings aren't there. he's more like a young sibling. I do feel sometimes a lot of pressure is on me now to become in essence a 'mother' when i only see the child every other week for two days and I have only known him for a few weeks from when he's 8.

Please help??

And I am prepared to change my lifestyle for this kid too by the way. Give up my bed every other week so he can sleep in it, keep my 'adulty' things locked away let alone in drawers. Learning what portions children eat, how to do homework with them. That sort of thing!!!! I like the homework bit!!

Answer 1

I am a stepparent myself and if you have only known this child for a few weeks, you are being far too harsh on yourself (as is your fiance).
I became a stepparent when my stepson was 8. You cannot force yourself to feel feelings if they aren't there. That's not to say that they won't ever happen, but it takes time, patience and understanding. Would your fiance expect his son to immediately take to you, as if you had been his mother his entire life? Particularly when this child already has a biological mother?
Don't beat yourself up over this. You should be commending yourself instead, for becoming a part of this child's life, particularly if the ex makes life difficult for your fiance. Just get to know this little boy and accept whatever feelings may develop. Regardless of what the media wants you to believe, it's not the same when it's not your child. Sure, there are exceptions like adoption, and if you had gotten this child as a baby or very young child - - but no one should be expecting you to feel like you carried this child for 9 months, gave birth to him and have been his mother ever since. You didn't and you haven't.
Just try and enjoy the two days you have every other week with this little boy, get to know him and don't put expectations on yourself, or on him. If you feel your fiance is putting expectations on you, TALK TO HIM. It's very important that this is discussed before you get married. Let him know that you are getting used to being engaged and the prospect of being a parent and you are also just getting to know his son. He's been a father for 8 years; you've been a prospective parent for only a few weeks. If he can't understand that or accept that, you might want to consider premarital counseling. Trust me in that if those types of issues aren't worked out before the wedding, they will only grow after you are married.
Best of luck to you!

Answer 2

You should not expect to have those instant feelings because even biological mothers do not always have them.

First, do not give up your bed. He needs to learn your relationship, not hide it. Perhaps if you did not have an interrupted lifestyle you would feel more comfortable when the child comes to visit. If you only have a one bedroom place, then how about a nice foton for him.

If you only have a one-bedroom apartment, you both should consider a bigger one where the child has his own room, a sense of privacy and belonging.

For now, just be a nice friend because you are not his mother and should not act like it. Be loving, supportive and consistent with his father's style of parenting. Affection and love may come in time, but don't fake something. The feelings of a younger sibling are positive and will nurture a positive relationship with the child.

Right now the child needs to see you two are a couple and he is welcomed into your home. The rest will come in time.

Answer 3

I think you should focus on being the child's friend, he has two parents, both who are involved with him. And you are right the Mother feelings are not going to be there.
Every time you spend time with him I am sure your feeling will get a little better.

I would explain to your b/f that you are going to start small and just work on being his friend,
in the end this attitude will make things easier with the Mother and a much smother transaction for all.

After you have some sort of a relationship built with this kid then you can work parenting into the picture.
The kid will probably respect you a lot more for this too.

Answer 4

I know how you feel. I was you 10 years ago. I knew my now husband had a daughter (who also has an older half sister that my husband treated as his own). It was tough at first, but it does get better, until they turn into teenagers but that goes with any teenager yours or otherwise. Try explaining to your fiance that you can't just wake up and love someone, but try to spend some extra time with the child, getting to know their likes/dislikes, etc.

It truly does get easier with time and having the child around more. Just make sure you stand your ground and don't let them walk all over you to make them like you. It'll be disasterous in the long run. In 10 years, you'll look back and laugh at yourself for being concerned about this.

Parenting is not easy by any means, but step parenting takes it to a new level. You aren't "mom" so things are off limits in the child's mind, then as teenagers, you get the "you aren't my mom so I don't have to listen to you" routine.

Good luck. It'll all work out. It'll take time, but eventually it will.

Answer 5

You realize this is important that your fiance remain a father figure in this child's life and you are attempting to become a caring person to the child good for you! You partner should be more supportive to you in forming a relationship with the child. I think your role in this little ones life should be a really good friend, an adult he can turn to. The child has a mother and will resent you trying to be one also. Of course, you have to provide some care for him when your fiance has him for the weekend. You say you only have known him for a few weeks, perhaps it is a little soon to consider marriage to this man and mothering this child I suggest taking this really slow.

Answer 6

You shouldn't expect it to be instant. When it's not your child (and sometimes even when it is), love doesn't come instantly. The fact of the matter is that even pregnant women have 9 months to get used to the idea, so expecting it to just instantaneously be there is impractical.

And you shouldn't necessarily try to be a mother to him at this point. He has a mother, and he has a father. It's really okay for you to be his father's girlfriend, until the two of you develop a closer relationship. Often, kids resent their step-parents for this, as they feel the step is trying to replace the biological parent.

So, for the time being, treat him with respect, and expect the same from him. You should continue to act as a responsible adult - being sure he's safe while he's with you, allowing him to have time with his father, etc. As you watch him grow, and allow your relationship to develop naturally, it's very likely that love between the two of you will grow.

Answer 7

It's not easy, give yourself a break. My boyfriend has a three year old daughter and it is difficult to say the least. You don't have to be the mother your not his mom he has one. Instead try to think of yourself as a friend or aunt and go from there. I don't have any motherly feelings tword his child and that is OK. Your boyfriend will probably never get it anyway so just try and deal with it in your own way. Good luck and hang in there.

Answer 8

I think you have a good attitude about the situation. Hope fully when you marry the Dad you can get a 2 bed so your marriage can take its rightful place in the relationship. There are support groups for blended families and you have common concerns with many step-parents. The most important thing is that all three parents agree on things like discipline, schedules and routines so your step son feels comfortable and cherished no matter which home he is in. Good luck - you are doing the right thing.

Answer 9

I think you'll do fine. You already seem you care for him, and want to be a good role model for him. These feelings are normal and all these feelings will come naturally with time. In the meantime, you can be this child's friend, buddy or whatever.
I dated someone with children in the past; he had two sons just like me but the youngest was so close to me as I was with him. Too bad things didn't turn out peachy, I loved this child as my own. Good luck and G-d bless you!

Answer 10

to be honest,

you don't NEED to be his mother , he already has one,

why don't you speak to his X and see what she would like to see from your end?

telll her you want to make her son feel more comfortable at your home and his fathers home,

tell her you know its uncomfortable for her, and understand that, but that if she could have the perfect step parent for her child , what would she be?

I bet you, this will make you feel better, and her feel better,
and the CHILD feel better,

NOW your BF, after the talk you have with his X
tell him the results,

let him know that the 2 of you girls have discuss this and this is what is best for the child,
---

See what he says

------

Now in my personal opinion the best step mother, wold be a woman that doesn't try to overstep her boundaries, the parenting should be left up to the parents,

you are NOT the parent, but its ok for you to love this child without feeling guilty about it, he is loved by his father and the mother, PLUS he has you as a back up,

My only suggestion is for you to give it time, don't hate on his mother, and ASK his mom what she would do in any situation

befriending her as much as possible is whats best for her child, ( I don't mean best friends i mean working friendship)
talking to her and trying to understand her perspective ,

and finally i want to say that you and your BF are NOT married so don't get all involved in the kids life, until its a marriage and permanent, otherwise you end up hurting this kid.

I know you want to do whats right, so who would know better what is right for this kid than his mother??

trust me, this is the only way to go,

M