I met my baby's daddy/husband (my actual 1st) 2 years ago playing in a coed softball tournament. I moved in with him really fast, got pregnant, and got married. I'm 22 & he's 32 but whatever. The thing is, 4 months being with him, he never told me he had kids and I discovered that when I moved in and by that time I was pg, so I was in a bind. Right now this whole experience has made me very mature & I'm used to having somewhat of a perfect life with my own parents & siblings, that that's how I want my own family to be. Just me, my husband & OUR OWN kids. I have no room in my heart for his 2 older sons who seem they would be better off with their mother as she's very wealthy but no room in her bank account to want them either. I fel bad & my mom says I entered this relationship being an instant mom to his sons and that's a consequence I have 2 deal with. Am I just being cruel or has any1 in this world ever felt the way I feel? My family accepts his kids but why can't I? trying 2 cope!
2007-12-12 02:41:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Your feelings are natural for you and it's good that you are so honest about them!
Your husband was dishonest with you and you feel betrayed and conned into step-parenthood. Am I right?
HOWEVER, your mother has a point: YOU moved in, got pregnant, got married to a man and now the reality isn't what you'd hoped it'd be.
What about your stepsons? If their own mother has abandoned them, how lost and angry and betrayed must they feel? Their situation should elicit feelings of compassion from you, shouldn't it?
There is no honeymoon period waiting for you as a new bride and mother. The reality is that your family is in crisis because the mother figure (YOU) is not living up to her abilities.
You have the ability to be a superhero to these boys and bind your family together with love and patience and show them that you know how to make lemonade out of lemons, so to speak.
Don't let them have to recall their childhood with the pain of rejection because you wouldn't open your heart.
G-d bless you all!
2007-12-12 03:00:16 · answer #1 · answered by Tseruyah 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You did enter into the relationship. This is why you are supposed to WAIT and take it slow with relationships - so you can learn more about each other. It sounds like you dove right in and moved in and got pregnant, etc...
You NEED to be a step mom to his kids.
The problem I have with you: You LOVE your husband, right???
If you LOVE your husband, then you would LOVE his children who are part of your husband almost automatically. If my husband had 10 kids before I met him - I would love each and every one of them because they are part of my husband - they are blood to my husband. This makes them my family too.
I would question if you truly love your husband if you can't accept his children and love his children.
Prior to marriage, you had an IDEAL in your head about how life and marriage was to be. Many times, our IDEAL doesn't match reality. You will HAVE to get over your unrealistic ideals and start living in the here and now. It's too late to go back, you have a wonderful husband and wonderful step kids. So make the best of it and be the best step mom possible.
How can you say you have no room in your heart for your husband's 2 older sons???? Your heart has the ability to love an infinite amount of people. What it sounds like is that you are mad at your husband for not telling you sooner (but you DID keep the kid and married him so it would be unfair of you to hold it against your husband) AND that you are jealous that your husband has kids with another woman.
Instead of dealing with the issue of jealousy and the issue of trust- you are taking the easy way out by blaming your pain on 2 innocent step children.
Don't be so heartless and open your heart to these children!
2007-12-12 11:06:23 · answer #2 · answered by Dina K 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
no, i am going thru the SAME thing. i wish i knew what to tell you. Sometimes I don't want to even come home because his kids are so loud, annoying and ill-mannered. this whole situation with them has left a BAD taste in my mouth about parenthood all together. I am having our first baby in 2 months. it has gotten to the point where I hide out when they are with us, and barely even speak with my husband, unless they are gone. I choose to do this because I would rather hide out and keep my mouth shut than be constantly annoyed and nag at them. I would like nothing more than to have my child NOT raised around them, due to their bad behavior/ill manners. I have thought about moving out several times over minor disagreements over them. I strongly feel that my marriage will end as a result of my step-kids. And now that I am having a child, I feel like I am in a bind, or "Stuck" with my husband, mostly because I wouldnt want anyone else (without children)to be in this situation with me & my child. Some may think that I am a selfish hag, but there isn't anything wrong with wanting your OWN family and OWN kids. I have asked several of my friends their thoughts and they all agree with me. Good luck, try to keep sane & know that you arent the only one out there.
2007-12-12 11:01:28 · answer #3 · answered by HellzBellz08 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There are alot of reasons why, but really it comes down to your age and because you were lied to. Not telling you about his children is reprehensible, however you are the one who had unprotected sex with someone you didn't know. Your mom is right, this is the consequences of your action.
There is no perfect life, and I imagine your parents can tell you that. It didn't happen by accident, your parents had to work at it.
You need to put yourself in the place of these two little boys. Their own mother doesn't want them, their father lies about their existance and their fathers wife wants them to just go away too. They are lucky that your family understands what love and generousity is, but its a shame they didn't impart this message to you.
You can't go back and change things, this is your life and this is what you choose. Now instead of pretending to be a mature grown up, actually learn to be one. Putting the needs a child before your own is the sign of a true parent, and like it or not, that's what you are going to have to learn unless you can live with yourself and abandon these boys emotionally.
Ask your mom for help. Don't expect to instantly love them, love take time. Get to know them as people, work with your husband to set rules and consequences for their behavior. Be a mother to them, its not their fault. Remember this, none of this is THEIR fault and you shouldn't be blaming or punishing them.
As far as your lying husband, you need to get into marital counseling right now to safely get angry with him for being such a low life coward. Any man who denies his children doesn't deserve to be a father, and he's going to have to earn back the right.
Good luck to you, and this is exactly what I would tell one of my own daughters.
2007-12-12 10:59:20 · answer #4 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I completely understand where you are coming from because I am in a similar situation. However, his kids are now your kids too and in order for your marriage and family to be strong you have to accept that. Its hard but if you don't want to tear your family up then you just have to live with it. I would talk to your hubby about not being honest with you in the beginning and also let him know your concerns.
2007-12-12 10:48:32 · answer #5 · answered by its just me 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You sound alittle selfish,Yes your husband should have told you about the 2 sons but he didn't ..I just thinks it is so cold of you to say you have no room in your heart for them..Just as your child they did not ask to be bought into this world..So you say you matured from all of this.then why are you asking this question??Get over it and move on..
2007-12-12 11:06:18 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well just remember his kids most likely hurt really bad from not being wanted. If I were you I would try to get to know them. I Know that you are hurting because he lied I think you need to talk to him and maybe see counseling together so you can get through this ruff patch.
2007-12-12 11:11:07 · answer #7 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He was not honest with you from the beginning. And I would have a big problem with that.
2007-12-12 10:45:52 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋