Mother and daughter relationship?

Question

I recently overheard a short conversation with my mom and dad. My mom is worried about my future well-being, because she believes that Im somewhat slow mentally, and not as keen and too naive. I am not sure what bases she is judging me on, but she seems to always predict that I'll be at my full wisdom in my late middle ages. But I believe that Im certainly not mentally disabled, even if I'm not the most reactive and proactive person ever.
I admit that we dont have as close of a relationship as many other moms and daughters because she is always busy. But we still love each other. My mom and dad's relationship isn't that good, and she said that she stayed because of me. She would praise me for how talented and bright I am, but now it seems to be all on the surface.
She has hinted at that in conversations about my ideal future husband, and she believes that I want to marry my bf (which she doesnt approve of). I just turned 20 and I believe she still treats me like a child

I thank everyone's comment. I know there are probably some parents who commented on this, so they might know parents better than I do. I would approach her about it, but most of the time she would put it in prettier terms and say that it's just a normal process. Perhaps she believes that I dont love her because I don't show my love like most kids do. Some times I do feel guilty of not showing enough love, but it's hard because I hardly see her around. But I'll try to have a conversation with her about it.
Also, I never bring up the subject of marriage, neither do I say if I want to marry my current bf or not. I been in the relationship for almost 2 years, and he's been kind of like part of the family. My dad seems to take interest in him, but he(bf) and my mom barely talks. But neither him or I is thinking about marriage so soon. I know this might've deviated from the original topic, but the point is that she feels that i need to depend on a well off and much older husband

Yes, I have yet more things to write! I wish I know how to make her stop bringing up about my future marriage and what I need in order for me to be well off. Because it just puts me down as a person, also it makes me question my relationship with my bf. I know its obvious that I should tell her how I feel, but her replies are going to be either it's for my own good or she knows from her own experiences. I guess the only way is to prove that Im capable of what she believes I'm not. Moving out might seem like the first option, but that might create other problems as well. I guess I do need some suggestions.

I realize this might have been the longest post ever, so dont read this unless you really have the time. I hope there aren't any religious zealots reading this. The fact that my mom always brings up the ideal husband bothers me. Ofcourse its nature for parents to expect that, but I am also attracted to females (atleast it seems so in the past), my first sexual experience was with a female.
But my tastes in male are still prominent since I am happy with my bf. I think my mom would go crazy if she knows of this. Sorry if Im all over the place, this really deserves another topic..

Answer 1

Of course you and your Mom love each other and of course she still treats you as a child.It is sometimes hard for a parent to see their adult child as mature,responsible beings non-dependant on them.To say she stayed with your Dad because of you is a cop-out though-it is not your responsibility she made the choice she did.As to the over heard conversation and your feelings of her coolness call her on them-you are an adult and should be able to have an adult conversation with her about it. As to her not liking her boyfriend-oh well .You can listen to her advise but it is your choice who you date and or marry as you are the one who has to live and learn from those choices. It would be nice if she could support your choices though rather then knock them down-talk to her.

Answer 2

You write very well so you can't be too slow
or any of those things.

I don't know your family dynamics, but two
things came to mind as I read your
question. You might want to think about
them too:

1. Parents often worry about their children
including worrying about the 'maybes' that
never happen. Like - gee maybe he'll crash
the car... worry...worry.../ maybe the baby
will be born deformed.../ maybe she won't
succeed at school - what will her future be?

2. Parents who are in conflict often sort
of communicate through one or more of the
children. If both are looking at a child, they
don't have to look at each other and face
the problems between them.

So, your mother might be in a bit of a habit
of making your father feel guilty; or belittled in
some way... by saying that she only stayed
because of you. I doubt that and anyway if she
did - she is an adult and it was her decision and
it's her problem - not your Dad's; not yours. She
gets no extra brownie points for being a martyr.

Take heart - whatever you are and can be doesn't
need to be dictated by your parents opinion. Just
concentrate on being all that you can be.

Answer 3

So, maybe you are naive - maybe your mom is right.

Ask her straight out - "Mom, do you think I am naive?"

She will probably say yes. So then ask her "Why do you think I am naive? I want to know so I can try to improve myself." - and LISTEN to her answer closely. Get therapy, books, etc... to address the issues your mom brings up.

If you are naive about your bf, then it may be because you allow him to walk all over you and you aren't realizing it. Or maybe your mom and dad KNOW your bf is a jerk - but you don't realize it.

You shouldn't be getting married til your at least 25 years old. It would be naive to get married before then. Chances are you will be with a different bf in 5 years anyways. At 20, your preference in guys will be way different then when you are 25 or 30.

Answer 4

If you are listening to other people conversations then you are acting like a child. This is the USA, you can do what you want and be who you want, you don't need your parents permission or approval.

And your mother is right, women don't get really smart until they are in their 40's, but its all a growth process, and you will get wiser as you get older. And honey, no man is "ideal", they are simply men.

Answer 5

I'd let her know you over heard her words! Watch and see if she bothers back paddleing fast, or if she takes her time in responding.
Give her or show her your true mentality.

Answer 6

kids always remain kids for their parents. So be patient and talk to Mom about it.

Answer 7

Don't sweat it. Their parents probably had the same conversations about them.