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with the holidays coming up, i let my emotions get the best of me. i have decided to write my estranged father. a little background info: im 21. he mvoed out when i was 9. before that, he was a very abusive man to my siblings, mother, and me. my siblings sometimes contact him, and know that he is a drug addict on the brink of suicide. ive held a grudge for so long, but i know if he did die, id be devastated and probably never forgive myself. so ive decided to write him a letter for christmas. in this letter, i want to make a few points. one being that i love him. another being that i want to work on our relationship someday but that im working on mine now. and i do want to tell him to clean his act up. do you have any ideas/suggestions on what to say or how to say it? is it beyond my limits to tell him to clean up? i really have no idea and id rather not tell my family to ask them for help because theyd be critical and what not. any help is so appreciated! thanks!

2007-12-11 16:45:39 · 9 answers · asked by Brittany 2 in Family & Relationships Family

9 answers

Write what's in your heart. It should know it. Tell him exactly how you feel..etc.. but constantly remind me that you still love him, and wish he could change...

2007-12-11 17:19:58 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Express that you love him, but rather than lecturing him or saying you come first, give him a challenge. Promise him that if the day comes, and only then, that he can overcome this drug problem and get the help needs to stay clean, that you would like nothing more than to come see him and try to establish some form of relationship again. Be sincere and let him know how important that would be to you, but also make sure he understands it will never happen as long as he is on drugs. You are basically giving him a final opportunity and it will be up to him, in his limited capacity, to find some reason for hope and motivation in that message to get the help he needs.

If money is needed for rehab, are you and your siblings willing to foot the bill to try and get your Dad back? If so, make sure he knows that so money doesn't become just another excuse to stay on the drugs.

2007-12-11 18:27:52 · answer #2 · answered by Dale P 6 · 0 0

Loved what the first poster wrote - perfect letter :)

Also, you might want to see a therapist to find out why you would want a relationship with a man who abused you and your family - that's not really a healthy.

It's one thing to write a letter, but another to want a relationship with an abuser.

Finally, how do you know he is still on drugs and/or is suicidal and/or/was/is abusive?

I've seen many moms bad mouth fathers because the mom was bitter about the divorce.

I've heard many moms tell their kids that their father was a drug addict, homeless, abusive, etc... - which were nothing but a pack of lies to make the father look like a "demon" in the eyes of his own children. Be careful about what you "hear" from your mom and relatives - don't assume it is the truth until you KNOW first hand it is the truth.

2007-12-11 17:03:36 · answer #3 · answered by Dina K 5 · 0 0

Dear Dad,

I hope this letter is happily recieved on this holiday season. I wanted to get in touch with you because I am hoping that somewhere in your life and in your heart you might want the same as I do.....a good relationship between us. I know you have had some problems in your life and suffer from thing I have no control over. I believe those problems played a big part in some things that you maybe were not proud of. I want you to know that I forgive the past and only want the best for you. I was wondering if you could open your heart to want the best for yourself for my sake...because you are my father and the person who gave me life. I love you and hope that maybe with the New Year coming it could be a new beginning for you, for me and for us as daughter and father. Happy Holidays Dad. Reach out to me if you would like to talk. I am here with open ears and open arms.

Brittany

2007-12-11 16:55:46 · answer #4 · answered by theartisttwin 5 · 1 0

in his heart he is hurting depress to a point of drug addict
he is lonely no one is appreciating his existance
with holidays is soon here I dont think He want to live to see another year
in your case
you can show him love by send him a card or a thoughtful gift dont have to be expensive that will save him to continue show him love will soon put him out of his messes
to tell him to clean up his life will only put salt to the wound

2007-12-11 18:12:25 · answer #5 · answered by Keak T 3 · 0 0

hon, i have a terribly abusive father, who ignored me most of his natural life, and when he wasn't ignoring me he was abusing me in one way or the other.. i haven't spoken to him in 16 years... i forgive him in my heart, but in my head i never will... i have written him once, and that was one too many times for me....

he IGNORED my letter as if i didn't exist...

he is an alcoholic (recovering, but has been on a dry drunk for years), and when he drank, no one could convince him to stop because he "didn't have a problem"... and it's true.. people don't believe they have a problem and have to figure it out and ADMIT it to themselves, first.

i don't want to see you heartbroken. it's up to you, but in my world, i feel that leaving well enough alone is good enough.

if you are having issues about your father's abandoning you, perhaps consider talking to a therapist. they can help give us directions, help us learn about coping skills and ways to make positive movements forward....

sending hugs and all best wishes whatever you decide to do...

2007-12-11 17:25:32 · answer #6 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 0 0

Its ok for you to tell him to clean up, but you might want to say something like " i would really like to work on building a relationship with you, but right now i have things that i am working on with myself, and i feel that it would help our relationship if you were able to get help for yourself." dont be to blunt about it, just mention how him being clean would help you develop a deeper longer lasting relationship and thats really what you want from him. hope it all goes well.

2007-12-11 16:56:29 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

God bless your honest effort! Well, you basically know what to write to him. keep on mind that you can only advice him and show your loving care to him, but you can't change his mind, or his way of thinking, or his habits, it is in his hand only. only his own determination to change can make him change. just keep on praying for him to change for the better, there's God who can do all the impossibles for men.

2007-12-11 16:59:43 · answer #8 · answered by natalia 3 · 0 0

Just tell him how u feel and express ur feelings and tell him how much u miss him

2007-12-11 17:07:24 · answer #9 · answered by BaByG 1 · 0 0

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