2nd Marriage + Stepson = Big Problem!!! Help Parents out There!!!?

Question

I am 49 and Holding My 2nd wife is 42 Her Son is almost 20 years old. The Problem is he still lives at home but doesnt do anything to help out the Household and this is causing Major Problems for Me and my wife as we argue over this. My stepson works and makes as much money as I do and as much money as the wife does individually. He does no Household Chores at all--His room is a Pig Pen-He doesnt contribute financially to the Home. Mom buys his food even his work lunches-Does his Laundry and Cleans his Bathroom that he uses, Himself only. He has no curfew and comes and goes as he wants with who he wants. I raised my 2 sons ages 30 and 25 very differently. We are on the verge of splitting up I have been married to her for almost 14 Years. It has been a on going problem with her over protective actions. In the Past is was hes only 8 years old-hes only 12 years Old and so on. Now its Hes only young once he needs to live a little!! Any Help Greatly appreciated as Im about at the end !!!!

I have tried to treat him as my own son--Ive fixed hundreds of broken toys-Coached him for 6 years in Little League Baseball and worked on his cars for free to save him Money. I always supported him when he was in schools plays and High School Track and Field and Cross Country!

Too Lil One : I didnt add all the grisly details because Im not bashing my son But Save A Little!!! Ha ha My stepson blows his Money on CDs when he already has 500 of them Loans his friends money for Cell Phone BIlls & their Hard Times. And spend money frivoulously on Lighting Packages for his Vehicle-AMP Boosters Flashing License Plate Holders-Sub Woofers that are Bigger-Louder Mufflers and so On I would be glad if he saved money that would be something Positive!!! Oh yes and he has 4 Sppeding tickets so far and instead of slowing down he buys a 150.00 RADAR Detector-Sorry Not to agree with your methods but even if he did Pay rent I would still not let him Do Everything in his ROOM behind locked doors or not. Could Possibly get into legal troubles if I DID That!!!

Answer 1

Sure he needs to live a little, on his own dime! He needs to grow up! You need to sit down with your wife and set some ground rules. As long as she continues to baby him, he will never learn responsibility.

When lived at home, I didn't pay rent, but I did contribute financially to the bills and food supply. I kept my room clean, and was home at a respectable hour. I did bring people over, but I did not let them stay overnight. I've done my own laundry since I was 12! I also contributed to making dinner, and keeping the rest of the house cleaned.

I personally know someone whose mother treated him the same way growing up, he is now 31, and still lives at home!

Answer 2

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Answer 3

Stepson Problems

Answer 4

RE:
2nd Marriage + Stepson = Big Problem!!! Help Parents out There!!!?
I am 49 and Holding My 2nd wife is 42 Her Son is almost 20 years old. The Problem is he still lives at home but doesnt do anything to help out the Household and this is causing Major Problems for Me and my wife as we argue over this. My stepson works and makes as much money as I do and as much...

Answer 5

Your stepson is irresponsible and self indulgent because it is tolerated. This will not change, and will probably worsen, as long as it is allowed. Why become self sufficient when you have a gravy train? If he doesn't become an adult now, when? 25? 30? 50?

Perhaps Mom does not want to let go, this is difficult for Moms. However, she is doing her son no favors by allowing him to continue to be a child.

It is your home too. You have equal say what occurs in it. If you can no longer tolerate this situation, tell your wife very clearly and calmly that you can no longer abide by abuse of your home and hospitality (yes, after 18, it's hospitality), and if the situation does not change, you will have to remove yourself from it, in whatever way you feel is best.

I sincerely hope you are able to work it out and I hope your wife realizes she is hurting him more than helping him.

Answer 6

Wow...This is the second time you've visited with this question and at the end of your rope. Are you letting the wife and child read this stuff? There has been a lot of good advice here. I hate to see anyone going through crap like this. You make me feel REALLY lucky. What if you and the Mrs. just find him an apartment or something and move him out??? She can still baby him from a distance if she wants. My home is my castle and problems like that have to go. I wish you and your family all the best but there is no simple solution.

Answer 7

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Answer 8

Theyre all right in a certain sense even "lilone" who posted before me. Everyone will tell you differently but in my own opinion i think you need to figure out why the mother treats him like that (and allowed/puts up with it) and then make a compromise even if she has a fear of " losing or not feeling needed" show her that the way shes allowing him to act is in the long run going to really hinder him as a person. If you allow someone to constantly use you to lean on/for suppose or anything else even if you have good intention on it they will most likely eventually take advantage of your kindness and just do it out of habit, and because they know they can get away with it.
-Maybe this kid is taking his moms thoughts into consideration but thats very douptful the way your discribing it. Somone that age, yes should have there freedom but thats no excuse for him to be taking advantage of your household like that. What worries me is that he doesnt seem to have tried to change to help you and your other half out at all. Thats a huge sign that he really is set on being on easy street. Even an eight year old can help around the house. Its not that hard.
I think if it were me id say If you help keep up the house(cleaning cooking etc) and dont over use things like throwing party etc (basically throwing money down the drain) then I wont make you pay rent.
If you give me no reason not trust you then yes your room is your privacy, but for him to remember that it is -your house- If he breaks somthing make him pay for it, yea hes a son but if hes old enough to earn money and ask for privacy then hes old enough and mature enough to stop living off you every waking moment.

Answer 9

COUNSELING!!! You and your wife need to go to marriage counseling - fast! It sounds like you need an unbiased person to hear both sides and help you resolve your conflict.

After reading your verson of the events in your home, it certainly sounds like this boy needs to be held accountable for his actions and responsible for his room/board. He will not have the tools to survive in the real world if mom doesn't let him grow up.

At the same time, it is your house (you and your wife) and if he continues to live there, he must abide by your rules (yours and your wifes). However, you and your wife need to agree on what those rules are.

Good luck and get counseling!

Answer 10

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