My parents divorced when I was 6. I had an older half-sister (whom was 9.5 at the time) from my father's first marriage. My mother re-married shortly after and so did my fahter. Thier new spouses really liked me.
My mom had 8 more children with this man and I never really felt loved by her. She ignored me, and was constantly fighting with me. My step-father already had 2 children from his first marriage and they hated my mom.
So my mother and I weren't very close and soon she let my step-mother adopt me, but she still saw me. I felt loved
I just found out today my step-mother died. Now don't say: If your stepmom died why are you on Y!A? The reason is, is because it is my way of grieving. My step-mom was like the only mom I ever had. When my husband died, SHE was the one to confort me.
I told my birthmother and she said if I go to her funeral that she will never speak to me again! I am stuck here because I love my step-mother and I love my mom too. HELP!
2007-12-11 09:53:15 · 16 answers · asked by Dina 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
And she was also really close to my 4 children(8 months, 5, 10 and 12) that also want to attend the funeral becuase my mother treats them like nothing.
2007-12-11 10:06:06 · update #1
OK... the solution is really simple here.
NO ONE has the right to tell someone else if they can go to a funeral or not. If you feel the need to go and pay your respects to someone who has passed away, that is YOUR personal decision to do so.
If your birthmother has a problem with this decision, then it shows the lack of respect for you (not for the person that passed away) because she is discounting your feelings about the other person.
I suggest you go the funeral and if you birthmother complains, then simply stop her short and tell her: "I made my decision to attend her funeral and I don't have to explain it to you nor do you have to understand why. You just have to respect my decision and if you can't then at least keep your opinion to yourself.'
If she 'dis-owns' you because of this.. well... sorry... so be it. Obviously her concern isn't for you and your feelings but her own selfish needs.
I'm sorry for your loss and I hope this helps.
2007-12-11 10:05:19 · answer #1 · answered by wrkey 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Get your butt along to the funeral, she adopted you, loved you and is standing right behind you, she feels your pain. My dad died 16 years ago, and I still feel the pain. My 8 year old son blames me for not allowing him to see grandpa...do the maths. Keep talking to your close family, my mum hasn't spoken kindly to me for 9 months and weeks go by at a time, she has one grandchild and has nought to da with him. I have been in and out of hospital and she never asks how I am. Families generally cannot be chosen but friends are selected, you keep the gems.
Remember she picked to have you as a daughter, she genuinely loved you. You have a rightful place at the funeral.
Hold your head up high and know that your blood mother deserted you, she is now doing it all over again. I wonder if she is my blood aunt???
My mother told me to F Off in the street, but I now feel unburdened, for 41 years I have tried to please mother but nothing was good enough... so I told her, POLITELY, that I had had the 41 years of hell and that it was now stopped. Her answer was good, GOOD! snarled at and spat upon.
She is no loss to me, but the proof is in the pudding, will she turn up at Christmas? God I hope not.
Babe, you have done everything by the book, follow your heart!
2007-12-11 10:02:31 · answer #2 · answered by MICHELE C 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell your mom to grow up....if you cant do it print this out and I'll tell her! Birth mother or not she has no right to give you such an ultimatum and there is NO reason why you shouldnt go to your step mothers funeral because after all as you say she was basicly your mother as you were growing up and she was ALWAYS there not just when it was convienient....Your mom has control issues and you need to let her know your a grown woman and your going to your step mothers funeral.... you can love your mom without doing everything she wants you to do.... this is something YOU need to do for YOU its not about your mother and you need to tell her... she'll use ultimatums on you for the rest of her life if she knows it works out liek she wants and if you dont go you will only harbor resentment for your "real" mother
2007-12-11 10:00:37 · answer #3 · answered by Princess Consuela B. Hammock 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm very sorry for your loss; I can only imgine how much pain you must be dealing with right now. This makes going to the funeral all the more important...this is likely to be the only closure you'll get where this situation is concerned. (I feel confident your "mother" will come around once she realizes her manipulation tactic has failed and once she thinks the situation through more thoroughly to consider your best interest here.) Your love for your birth mother and your adopted mother are not in opposition here; don't allow anyone else to cloud the issue into seeming as if it is. God bless you, and again, my sincerest condolences.
2007-12-11 10:09:46 · answer #4 · answered by Captain S 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your birthmother is proving by her demand that she (still) doesn't love you as a person. You are an adult; who has given you the most love? Who do you owe loyalty to the most?
Your mother is very selfish. Do what your heart tells you.
How will you feel in ayear, or two, or ten if you don't go to the funeral and choose to honor someone who will keep demanding proof that you love her instead of giving you proof that she loves you? How will you live with that feeling?
2007-12-11 09:59:53 · answer #5 · answered by Ruth C 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If I were in your situation, I would go to my stepmother's funeral. You shouldn't feel like you have to choose-and if your stepmom adopted you, loved you, comforted you, and is close to your children-I wouldn't give a second thought to what your mom is asking. Your dad would also want you to be there-You are family, go to the funeral.
2007-12-11 12:01:07 · answer #6 · answered by Angie 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just when I thought I'd heard it all up you pop. That is not meant badly it's just such a sorry story. How your mother could let you go in the way she did is beyond me. No circumstances justify what she did. Your stepmother obviously cared and loved you as her own. So to my way of thinking she was your Mum and it's her you should be paying respect to, not the woman who gave you away and now wants to call the shots. Don't take any crap from this woman as she will have you dancing to her tune.
2007-12-11 10:13:46 · answer #7 · answered by ? 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You certainly are old enough to decide what you want to do in regards to this funeral. Most people find it comforting and a sense of closure ( to some extent) to join together with other peole who are also feeling this loss. Your birth-mother made a choice regarding you being adopted. She then opted out of making choices for you. You need to do what feels right to you. Your birth-mother needs to stop feeling sorry for herself over this. She is clearly asking you to choose...when in fact you never had the choice to decide your adoption. On a softer note..reassure her that you love her, she sounds like she is insecure about that. Good Luck. "To thine own self be true"
2007-12-11 10:02:19 · answer #8 · answered by judih1957 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Please pay your respects at the funeral. If you mother doesn't understand, that's her problem. Which would seem to be only one of many. If she never talks to you again over this, that can be a good thing. You need to do what your conscience tells you is the right thing to do, no matter what anyone else says.
2007-12-11 09:58:01 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
i think u should go it seems like she loved u more than ur real mother and if ur real mom says she wont speak to u if u go to a funeral for someone u loved there is something wrong with her i'm sorry
2007-12-11 10:05:49 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋