Step daughter trying to hurt my son??

Question

I dont know what to do. My 10 year old step daughter is very destructive and has been trying to physically hurt my 6 month old son. Please do not tell me that I need to include her, and treat her like my own, because I do,thats not the issue here.Shes 10, Ive know her since she was 7.I had a talk with my husband about her behavior.Well, the last time I caught her pushing and yanking on my 6 month old sons head.And of course her parents never punished her for it. I have told her numerous of times, DO NOT pick him up out of his crib and walk around with him.Its not just her,its any kid. They get distracted and dont pay attention to what they are doing,not to mention the stairs in the house.But I cant tell you how many times she has went in there,woke him up and picked him up.I cant sit beside my sons crib 24 hours a day to make sure she doesnt do anything.I have caught her pushing on his soft spot also.I talked to my husband about it,he has finally been starting to get CONTINUED>>>>

on her and punish her about it. But, I will not take anymore chances. I will not watch her anymore.He works weekends so I watch her all weekend,but I wont do it anymore.And to all you people that keep telling me that I have to include her, and that Im being selfish, how can you say that, how is that being selfish??Protecting my 6 month old son who completely depends on me is selfish??And I do include her and have treated her as my own. My when it comes down to it, no matter what, my son always comes first in my life. And I will not take that chance of her hurting him.Shes 10, she know better, shes not 4, where she doesnt know. She is intentionally trying to hurt him. Do I just leave when shes there?? Should I tell my husband him and her mother need to find a babysitter on the weekend??I dont know what to do. I cant tell him shes not allowed there anymore until they do something about her.Help. What would you do????

Have a talk with her?? I have, I tell her I love her. But she is physically trying to hurt my son. Pushing on his soft spot, yanking and whipping his head, I also caught her sqeezing him really hard. Shes 10, she knows better, if she was younger,I wouldnt worry, but being 10, yes I need to worry.

I have tried to take charge but shes comletely out of control. And its not just my son. She tries to physically, emotionally and mentally hurt every kid shes around. Everyone I know, will not let her aound their kids. Everyone has seen it, except her own parents.

LORRAINE>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

You said my husband should come first no matter what?? MY SON IS 6 MONTHS OLD. HE DEPNDS ON ME COMPLETELY, MY HUSBAND DOESNT. WHY WOULD I PUT ANYONE ELSE FIRST?? THATS MY SON.YOU ALWAY PUT YOUR CHILDREN FIRST. THATS WRONG.

Answer 1

Hun I think that if it is worrying you that much then you need to take action, Organise some respite care for the weekends for your step daughter and tell you husband why it had to be done. I don't think that kids should be walking around with infants either, I don't know it bugs me. Kids do get forgetful, I mean adults have accidentally hurt kids, imagine what damage a child could do carrying another child around. As far as I am concerned if a child under 15 wants to hold a baby they need to sit on a seat or the floor and stay seated until they have finished having a hold. Maybe the mother of your step daughter could have her during the times when your partner is at work, and you will need to tell your step daughter why this is happening, due to her misbehaving and putting the baby at risk of being hurt badly because she doesn't listen to you. She could also be feeling left out, even though you include her, it is inevitable, her dad has had another child, and maybe she feels like the baby is getting all the attention, especially if your husband doesn't do very much to help with the kids. So all your time is devoted to take care of this helpless little being, that needs you 24 hours a day, a 10yo mentality is very selfish no matter how much of a good kid they are. It comes down to, what am I missing out on and she probably thinks "that she is missing out on a lot" hopefully she will get better as she gets older, but you need to make sure your baby is safe. Unless you want him strapped to you every waking minute then you may need to tell step daughter that if she can't listen to what you are asking her to do in terms of leaving the baby alone then she can only be with you when her father is there because you don't have enough hands, eyes to make sure she isn't putting the baby at risk. It is a very hard situation and I feel for you because I have been in her position, my step sister and step brother are 8 and 10 years younger than me, going from being an only child to having to watch out for some annoying crying squealing bundle can really make you feel put out. But her behaviour shouldn't be tolerated. Your baby should come first in terms of safety, and definitely for the First 12 months of life because they can't do anything for themselves, and it just has to be that way.

I sincerely hope you can work out a compromise and be able to keep your step daughter with you as much as possible.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Well, it sounds like she is just a bit jealous. Up until this point she has been the one and only apple of her fathers eye. I think you need to sit down with your husband and explain to him that if the both of you do not start to take drastic measures in disciplining this little girl she will become even more destructive as time goes by when she doesn't get her own way. I wouldn't usually see a problem with the jealousy if it were a younger child performing these same acts but it is a 10 year old child whom is old enough to understand what kind of damage could be done by slamming around a babies head and poking a finger into the babies fontanels. Unfortunately this little girl has made it very obvious that she wants her father to make a choice between her and the baby. I hope your husband has the gall to choose this helpless babies well being this time rather than allowing this little twirp run things in the house. You should begin to punish her with restrictions of various things and activities to let her know you are not playing around. If she tells on you so be it... you are not abusing by punishing. You are actually empowering her to become a better adult. Hope it helps.

Answer 3

Your anger and resentment of your step-children is very obvious. A four-year old being curious and looking into a box on your desk is natural. Not being able to articulate reasoning behind actions is also normal for that age. Lying in the face of what I would imagine to be an angry and confrontational step-mother is understandable. You did not once mention loving your step-children. I can see how your husband would find the sort of tirades you laid out as being paranoid. Face it- you DID marry a family. And your husband will ALWAYS be the children's father. So if you make him choose you will be the one to lose. You need to get into some family therapy. If money for that is an issue, contact a church or call a parent hotline in your area. Good luck. And remember, how you treat your step-children may reflect how another woman will treat YOUR children if you don't pull this together.

Answer 4

Since you have not said anything bad about her before your son was born I do see it as a sibling issue. You and your husband need to make sure that you are spending 1:1 time with her while she is with you and including her in some of the activities with your son. I am a child of a blended family and when you are not the biological child of both parents, no matter what your age, you can feel as though that child is favored over you.

About the soft spot, she may be curious. Its a natural thing to wonder. I might get a baby development book and talk to her about how a baby develops and why certain things are the way they are on a baby. Then you can compare the baby to her and how she has grown. If you have baby pictures of her in the house, you can compare the photos of her to your son.

If I may, I might also address the fact that you dont seem to be punishing her for her actions but expecting others who dont see the behavior to do so hours after it has occured. Children need to be punished right away of the effect wears off. When you see her doing something bad for her brother, tell her why what she is doing is bad and give her a small time out. Make her repeat why what she did was bad at the end of the punishment so you can be certain she understood what the punishment was for.

Answer 5

Why not make family time together? Let her hold him while you are in the room? Something you said kind of bothers me just a little. You said your son will ALWAYS come first in your life. The family dynamics aren't right. The husband should come first, then the KIDS. The son should never come before your spouse.

I think what's happening is the girl is jealous. She gets her dad only part time, where the baby gets him full time. She has no control over this, and it hurts her greatly. There's nothing you can do about this. I would have told the dad to not get married until she was 18 to prevent a lot of this. No one ever thinks of how the kids are affected when they remarry and make other kids. Your husband will probably be laid back in disciplining the oldest child due to he has guilt about only being a part time dad.

I know you don't like to hear this, and I'm sure it stings.

I think her parents divorcing and her being shoved to the back burner, in her eyes anyway, has hurt her more than anyone knows, and neither parent has any time for her, for they got busy dating, remarrying, and making other babies, and she feels left out. Perhaps it's time for you all to see a child psychologist. That means her mom, any new man she has, her dad, you, and her. All of you.

*As a baby, maybe. But as your son gets older, he's eventually going to move out, and it'll be you and your husband again. You'd be kind of jealous if the daughter came first in your husband's life. She's dependant upon him for many things, still, and she's not number 1 or even number 2. In her eyes, she's number 4. She's not even number 2 in your eyes. She's number 4 as well.

I would also like to know why your husband is working when she's at your house. Perhaps she and your husband should be having some 1:1 time together.

Answer 6

Dang maybe try putting a lock on the outside of the bedroom door up on top so she cant reach it? like a hook lock. Maybe she is really jealous of the baby. Ur not selfish in anyway i would feel the same way. If she keeps this up i would have a longg talk with my hubby and tell him something has to be done or i am leaven everytime she comes over. Maybe he will get the picture. I think maybe she does need someone else to watch her on the weekends because that is nuts.

Answer 7

I wouldnt put up with her crap. Punish her by taking away something she really enjoys. If I were in your situation I would kick her a** no matter who's child it was. I wouldnt take care of her anymore your child always comes first. Make diffrent arraignments for the weekends. If your husband and ex dont like it then tough

Answer 8

You've got a difficult situation on your hands. If her intention is to truly hurt your son, she needs outside help. Obviously you can't leave her alone with him, so you're going to have to keep your child under your constant watch, at least until he's old enough to scream out. If on the other hand, she's just trying to help out, albeit destructively, maybe you can include her in things having to do with your son like changing, bathing, reading to, and playing with him. Good luck.

Answer 9

I would say don't let her come over until her mom/ dad punish her for it or unitl her behavior gets better. As soon as you see her do it send her home. Unless she lives with you then good luck.

*edit: She knows your not her mom so showing her motherly attention is not going to do anything. It sounds to me that she just doesn't like the kid and could be because she knows her dad spends more time with him. If I were you I would not watch her on the weekends cause she obviously does not respect your control! I stopped watching my step kids after my last daughter was born cause they were the same way I couldn't handle it and I was not going to put my self in that position cause there mom does not want me to punish them like I would my own kids. So my solution is I am not watching them if I can't treat them the same way as my other kids.

Answer 10

Seems like she is having a hard time transitioning between her new sibling rivalry.

Have you thought about placing her in after school program where she can act out in her fustrations playing sports.

The YMCA's/YWCA's has lots of programs for kids to do.

Hopefully she will learn how to get along with peers her age. Then again maybe thats all she needs is someone her age to understand her more.