HELP!!!!! Im DIVORCING, and I feel guilty because he has susbstance abuse problems.?

Question

Ive finally had it, I cant take my marriage anymore. My husband has had a drug problem(cocain) for the entire time that we've been married,(1 year)when he is high, he gets paranoid & saids im cheating on him & he starts going crazy all around the house looking for whoever im cheating with. If my friends bring one of their friends around, it atomatically is the guy that im soposibly cheating with. I've never even come close to thinking about cheating on my husband. His mind is just not righ anymore & everytime hes on drugs, he gets crazy, not 2 mention that he drinks every week, & smokes a pack of cigaretes a day. Lately its been getting so bad & ive had to leave & stay with my best friend/ family. I dont want to be in this relationship anymore, & im leaving him. I feel so guilty about it because I dont know how to get him help. I guess ive stayed with him as long as I have because I had hope that 1 day he would b back 2 the man I fell in love with, but my hope has vanished completly

hes always had a hard life, he lost his mom at a very yung age and was left to take care of himself. He was always so hurt about that. When I meet him, he did drink a lot and used some drugs, but like always he had me fool in thinking that he didnt do any drugs. Hes had me fooled for a while now. He dosnt have any family here and they are all ignorant to these kinds of things. Im the only one that he has, I just would be feel so guilty if something happens to him. But im tired of living a double life. My parents dont know about this, but they think he is a good man. Maybe cause ive always protected him and never let them know my true problems in my relationship.

He told me that he didnt do drugs any more. When I did catch him using drugs, he said he would stop. And stupid me beleived him everytime.

Answer 1

You should feel guilty. You are abandoning him.

What ever happend to "till death?"

Your giving up on him. Way to go.

Answer 2

Your husband hasn't stoipped being the guy you originally fell in love with. Like you stated in the additional details he was a drug user and heavy drinker when you met him, and he lied to you about his habit, and this remained constant throughout the entire time you knew him. There aren't many people in this world who are prepared to tolerate your husbands behaviour, and no one in your family or social circle is going to blame you for signing the divorce papers. As far as getting him help you wont really acheive anything by doing so, unless he decides that he no longer wants to continue living the way he is at present. Considering the fact that he has just lied to you about quitting the habit on numerous occasions, there is a very good chance that he will die being little more than a statistic. There isn't anything you can do about it, he has rejected the oppourtunities he had to be honest with you and have your support in battling through his problems, all you can do is close the door on him and get on with your life.

Answer 3

I know what you're going through as I left my youngest daughter's father 8 years ago for the same reason. It didn't get him to stop drinking or using but it gave me and my daughter some stability and calm. She's had rough periods but I got her into therapy and she's an honor student in high school now. I'm not sure that she would be doing so well if I'd stayed with her father and he'd continued to drink. The only person who can help the addict is the addict. IF they don't want the help than nothing you do is going to change that. He's an adult and responsible for his own actions. You can't take responsibility for his life only yours.

Answer 4

this hits a little close to home for me..

my mom chose to divorce my father due to the same reasons.. this was extremely beneficial for all involved.. and my parents are even back together..

my dad had to hit rock bottom and lose his family before realizing that we should be his priority, not drugs.. and this is what often has to happen to make a drug addict want to get help and be better..

my dad is clean.. and as i said my parents are even back together.. the house is a much less stressful environment and the family relationship as a whole improved..

you're not at fault and you shouldn't feel guilty.. you need to worry about your own physical an mental health.. living with an addict can cause severe stress.. can lead to depression and anxiety problems.. i know.. i've been there and had those problems and i was just a child in that environment.. they are completely different when high.. they no longer seem human and can be extremely cruel.. they're paranoid, violent, and manic.. it's not fair to you..

you need to worry about you.. you didn't make him addicted.. and you're not abandoning him..

he needs help and like i said.. he may have to lose everything to realize that..

i wish you the best..

Answer 5

Honey you are not abandoning him first off. He is an addict and he needs help but you can't do that for him. If he doesn't do it already he'll be smacking you around too. Tell him it's his problem and if he loves you and himself to get in a program for at least 90 days go to meetings and work on your relationship with him later. And you go to Al-a-non a very good support group for families of addicts of all kinds. And be up front with your parents they need to know what is going on so they don't think he is Mr. wonderful.

Answer 6

There is no reason to feel guilty about. Not unless you forced him to get high. I would strongly suggest alanon, it's just the thing for your situation. You've been with someone who is looking at life screwy for a long time and most ppl in your shoes have their thinking messed with too. Alanon is for ppl like us, it's amazing what it can do. If you can't find alanon, call AA, they will know where it is.
peace

Answer 7

You suffer from denial. You want to believe that you can make him into the man you want him to be. Unfortunately, he is the man he is. No one can get off drugs and alcohol without wanting to. That TV show Intervention is a crock. You have put up with him too long. Go talk to a lawyer about divorce and talk to your family about his problems. The longer the time you spend with him the more verbal abuse you will face and eventually the possibility of physical abuse is just around the corner.

Answer 8

sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time, you can not help an adult on drugs they will have to do it themselve. You leaving him could be a wake up call for him to kick his life in to shape its you who needs help with this massive decision. pray even if its just once pray for guidence and a direction for both you and your hubby and try and talk to your doctor about it.

Answer 9

you leaving him may make him realize he needs help you may save his life by doing that. my girl friend was the same way, she would think the feds were comeing after her she would say "your a nark!" and trear the house apart looking for a camera or something? but now she dont even smoke cigs any more. she was so bad for a long time. we started going to church and stuff that really helped.

Answer 10

We can't always help the ones we love.

If at all possible, you need to move out of the city or state. Get completely away from him or he will keep pulling you back.

Go see an attorney now. Have the attorney get the divorce without your husband's signature.

Answer 11

he IS the man you fell in love with, you just didn't see both sides obviously. there is no point in feeling guilty, the problems he has are not your fault, nor is it your responsibility to "get him help". It is his responsibility to get help for himself, and until and unless he does that, no one can help him.