I don't know what to say to her?

Question

I found out that my friend's dad died, either today or yesterday - he had cancer. she'd told me about his cancer, and about all the treatment etc. it wasn't going well, but i didn't expect him to die so soon. me, along with loads of other people, are really upset - loads of people were crying at school today. i don't think my friend was in school, i'm not sure when she'll be coming back, but when she does i don't know what to say to her. i'll probably end up crying, which will probably make her feel worse. i can't imagine what hell she must be going through. what do i say? it's such an awful thing to happen, especially now.

:'(

yeh i've already sent a text, saying i'm sorry and i don't know what to say, and i'm there if she needs someone, but i'm not sure what to say when i actually see her again in person.

Answer 1

The only thing you can do that will make her feel 100% better, which is bring her father back to life, you cannot do. The truth is, nothing will "make her feel better" except for that.

I started to write something in my own words, but I found this website that expresses what I wanted to say better. This site is a great resource: http://www.reachout.com.au/default.asp?ti=264

"HELPING A FRIEND AFTER SOMEONE HAS DIED

What do I Say and do?
When someone dies it often affects many people. It may be the family and friends of the person who has died that feel the loss the most. However, even though you don't know the person well you may still be sad or feel a sense of loss. It is a good idea to have someone you trust to talk to about how you are feeling. This may be a friend, family member or someone like a teacher or counsellor.

When one of your friends is close to someone who has died it may be tough for you to know how to help them or decide what to say. It is OK, to feel unsure about how you can help them. You may find it helpful to check out the ideas below for information about how you might be able to help and support your friend.

Letting Them Know you Care - Friends are likely to be important to the person who is experiencing the loss and so it may be nice to let them know that you care. You may want to do this face to face, give them a call, or send a card or some flowers. If you are calling in on them it is a good idea to ring first, to let them know you are coming.

Knowing What to Say - Knowing what to say may be hard. It is OK to be honest and let your friend know that you don't know what to say. You may want to start by asking if there is anything you can do. Your friend may appreciate knowing that you are around if they want a chat or just want someone to hang out with.

Staying in Touch - Keeping in contact can be a way of letting your friend know that you are available if they need you. If you are planning to hang out with other friends, ask your friend to come along. Remembering they are probably going to cope better with quieter things like going to the movies or hanging out at someone's place rather than going to parties.

Be Understanding - Experiencing a loss can cause people to feel lots of different things. You may want to check out the "After someone has Died Initial Reactions" fact sheet for more information about grief. Try to be understanding of your friend's reactions as it may be that grief has affected them.

Listening - In time your friend may want to talk about the person they have lost. This is often a sign they are managing their grief. Giving them the chance to talk may be helpful for them. Try to be patient if you have heard the stories before, it is not uncommon for people who are grieving to want to go over the same stories a number of times.

It is OK to Cry and Grieve - It may be hard to see someone you care about upset and crying. It is OK to cry, and it is often a good way to express sadness and may help them to feel better.

Look After Yourself - It may be exhausting for you to share a loss. Taking time out for yourself is important. You may like to do something special for yourself. It may also be helpful to have someone you trust that you can talk with about how you are feeling.

Finding Help and Information - Finding information about grief and loss may help your friend. You may be able to help them find someone like a counsellor to talk to. You may want to check out the Finding Help section for more information about how a counsellor can help. Your local phone book should also have information about what counsellors are in your local area."

Answer 2

It is awkward not only for you, but her as well. If you say too much at school, she may break down, which in public would be embarrassing. I would ask her how she is doing, give her a hug, and tell her you would like to talk later if she wants. Ask her if there is anything in school that she needs to catch up on, which you could help to do. Later, in private, tell her how sorry you are. There is no easy way to do this. She knows that you are a true friend, so of course, you care about her feelings right now. Just give her the space to deal with it.

Answer 3

You dont have to say anything to her. Send her a card, text or email saying you are sorry to hear about her dad and that you are not sure what to say to her, but that you will be there for her if she needs you, explain that you dont know what to say and you may not have all the answers for her. But a shoulder to cry on at these times is worth a lot. Give her a big hug x

Answer 4

the most important thing for you to do is to say something, because if you don't you may feel like you let her down or she may feel like you were avoiding what happened. My suggestion is to start by saying (IN PERSON) that you don't know what she is going through, because you really don't and then tell her what you feel (sad, like you lost a family member yourself, or something like that) and to keep her head up because although is something very sad, it happened and there's nothing she can do about it, so she has to try to move on because that is what her father would like for her to do. This way you will open up to her and she will hopefully open up to do. Odds are you will cry and that may help you and her relieve the pain a bit. Hope this helps.

Answer 5

When I was in junior high, a classmate's mother passed away of cancer. I told my parents about it, and they immediately sent a card and flowers to his house (just two blocks away from our home). Two weeks later, my friend walked up to me and said that no other classmate had even said anything to him (to be fair, most weren't aware of it, until he hadn't shown up for classes for a whole week). He and his family were very grateful. We weren't especially "friends", just classmates. But, in instances like this, sometimes it's just enough to send a card.

And, whether you're a male or female, crying is no big deal. What's more important? A few ne'er-do-wells calling you a crybaby, or letting your friend know how much you care?

Answer 6

You walk up to her - give her a big long hug and simply say "I'm so sorry." No words are needed after that.. She may want to talk about it - be a good friend and just listen. Some people need to talk during the grieving process.

Answer 7

Sammy J and Ash have got it right. You MUST speak to her and say how sorry you are and then ask how she is......and then just LISTEN. If you cry with her - so what? That's good too. She needs to let it out and you will be there for her.

Answer 8

Maybe text her or send a card singed by you and her friends and say how you are thinking of her and if she need anything
or to talk you will be there to ring you if she wants anything

Answer 9

Just say that you are very sorry and that you will be there if she needs someone to talk to.

Answer 10

Just say that you will be there for her no matter what, actions speak louder than words.

One thing never say, and that's i know how you feel, you won't, and and it will get better in time, they don't.