Help with an abusive stepfather and a mother in denial?

Question

There was a time where me and my stpedad actually got along when i was young. but once i hit puberty, he started changing. He started drinking more and became more strict. Most of the time when him and my mom argues, it was over me and the way he was treating me. They would actually get in fist fights when i was younger and then my mom would take me and my little sis to our grandmas house till things blew over. but we always went back to him.

i hate my stepdad because his way of controlling me is by getting in my face and yelling and when i try to say something to him, he will smack me hard across my mouth. I suffer from serious depression and use to cut from the physical and emotional abuse i deal with. I feel my mom has chosen him over me, even though she knows his "parenting techniques"

I think it all started when his brother died in a car wreck and that his other two daughters lived with their mother and never wanted to come see him but every other weekend.

So why am I his target for his abuse? he constantly drinks, is now laid off, and abuses marijuana. I told him it was not a good influence on my little sister and he said that he was a grown man and could do whatever he wants.

I am almost 18 (in two months) and i have been dealing with this since I was 12. I am still depressed as ever and i dont know how to tell my mom that her husband is a loser and doesnt respect me or treat me the way he does.

My real father wants nothing to do with me and now its sucks that my "new dad" doesnt even want me either.

Answer 1

I'm so sorry you're going through this situation. I'm sad to say it's all too common, some days it seems like I could spend hours here writing and chatting to young people in the exact same situation. Some days I do. So for whatever it's worth, you're not alone.

First things first. Your step dad makes you the target of his abuse because you are close by. That's it, it has NOTHING to do with you. Too many people in your situation waste time wondering why, what they could have done differently, and so on. Don't waste a bit of thought down that line of thinking.

He's a self absorbed idiot, focused entirely on what he wants from life, and looking for other people to blame his mistakes on, and to dump pain upon. Sadly there are a lot of people like that in the world; when you find one, avoid that person. They don't want to be fixed, and they'll hurt anyone close to them eventually.

Your mother from what it sounds like to me is content to just let him be that way for whatever reason. That stinks. When you leave at 18, and you should, call Child Protective Services and alert them that your sister is about to be the main dumping ground for your step dad's abuse and that your mom won't get involved. Usually that's about all anyone in your position can do, sad to say. CPS is usually over worked and understaffed, but they usually try their best, and that's all we can do in life; our best.

I don't know if you're going to college, or what your long term plans are. If it's not college, I'd suggest finding a volunteer organization that will give you room and board, train you in some skills and put you to work helping others for a year or two. You're going to need some time to get your head together and deal with the mindf**k that your family put you through. Trying to jump right into a "normal life" when you haven't really had one yet is tough, trust me I know from personal experience.

If you seek out therapy or not is up to you, but honesty, Buddhist meditation, new age chakra healing and Christian exorcisms work about as well at getting rid of bad mental habits and creating new ones. Go with what speaks to you most, if you need ideas where to look, I've tried them all, and can tell you honestly about most of them.

The important point is, you've picked up a lot of bad ways to cope with the world just by being around your step dad and mom, watching how they chose to cope. You'll want to find BETTER ways and fast. Personally I found meditation to be helpful, mixed with positive affirmations. Let me know if you want some pointers, I usually suggest the books MEDITATION FOR DUMMIES and THE POWER OF POSITIVE THINKING as good places to start, because they're well written and easy to get copies of.

So to sum up; get out of the toxic situation as fast as you can, focus on getting your head on straight, and living well is the best possible revenge. And if there's anything I can do, I'm here a lot, I don't have many other hobbies.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peace_corps
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Americorps
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_cross

Answer 2

1

Answer 3

Abusive Stepfather

Answer 4

I've been there, although the man in question was just a nasty piece of work not into alcohol or drugs. I hate to say this but there is basically nothing you can do to that will change your mums mind (maybe like mine she'll eventually realise that the guy's a looser) but until then the best thing is to try and look after your sister as best you can. I tried with my younger sisters even though it was hard, I think I managed to take most of the flack and so at least I know they didn't suffer like I did. I am still depressed and angry to this day. I left home as soon as I could (although my mum had left him by that point I still didnt like her very much) and built my own life. I've worked hard and a lot of my motivation comes from the fact that if I ever see him again I can laugh in his face. For all the times he told me I was stupid and was going to fail... I'm studying for my PhD now. Try and stay strong. It's hard when your parents don't look after you the way they should but remember it's your life and you deserve better so try and get out of there and do something to make you feel proud of yourself and show them that you don't need them. Maybe if your mum does ever come round you can try and make it up with her like I did with mine and if not then you've always got your sister. That's one great thing about siblings at least you are not alone.

Answer 5

I am sorry that you have gone through this for so long. I know how this is. My mother chose my stepfather over me though now she regrets it and tries to make up for it.
You really need to take care of yourself and get some help. You should go talk to someone as soon as possible because depression takes a toll on your health. You also want to be able to get yourself together as quickly as possible so that you can get your sister out of there.
Don't ever allow someone else to cause you to hurt yourself. By cutting yourself you are letting him have power over you because those scars do not ever heal and will be with you always.

Answer 6

This Site Might Help You.

RE:
Help with an abusive stepfather and a mother in denial?
There was a time where me and my stpedad actually got along when i was young. but once i hit puberty, he started changing. He started drinking more and became more strict. Most of the time when him and my mom argues, it was over me and the way he was treating me. They would actually get in fist...

Answer 7

Alright... this is a VERY serious problem! In two months you will be 18, that makes you a legal adult and you no longer have to live there. But in the mean time, there is no other way to deal with this than getting the cops and social services involved. You said you had a younger sister and you seem to care about her. To stop this abuse from happening to her.... and it will once you are no longer there.... your mother has got to get her out permenately or you have to get social services to take her. You could actually, once you turn 18, petition for custody of your sister, but unless you have a good place to live, make decent money, etc, it is not likely that you will gain custody of her unless your mother agrees to it willingly. And since she is choosing a D*CK over you... she will do the same with your little sister.

I know you probably love your mom and don't want to hurt her... but there is no other way to get him out of your life. And you have to do it fast because this guy sounds like an A**hole , and will probably try to get rid of you by kicking you out the day of your 18th birthday.

Please, I am begging you... call the cops and social services... they will give you all the help and protection you and your sister need.

I am sorry you are going through this and since you were 12. No one should have to go through that. Other than this advice... all I can do is pray for you... and even if you have no religon and don't believe in a higher power, I will still pray for you and your sister.

Answer 8

The first thing you always must remember is that GOD loves you always. He gave us free will, that means we can make our own decisions. Good or bad. You have o make the right decision and call the police when he fights you or your mom. I know it is hardto deal with but maybe you should talk to someone you trust that will get you some help, or try your local church or clininc. They will know how to get the help you need. Your stepfather hurts you and your mom because he does not like himself and does not know how to fixor deal with his problems.

BE STRONG & GET SOME HELP FOR YOU, SIS, & MOM

Answer 9

Sorry to hear that.

My mum has also chosen men over me.

I think you need to get away as soon as you can.

Your mum has terrible taste in men - i know what thats like i dont see my dad either because hes a bad person and all my mums bfs have been losers or on drugs.

The guy is a loser. You need to get away from this family.

I got away from my dad because he was hitting me and ruining my self esteem. You need to be around good people and stay away from the bad people.

Is there anywhere else you can go like your grandmas house?

I wish you all the best god bless.

Answer 10

Ohhhh MY god... hun you need to see social sevices immedately no one should deal with that.... EVER!!!!! because its not your fault he doesn't know how to deal with his anger and depression and he is taking it out on the easiest person. and ur little sister isn't it.
talk to your school counseler TOday! seriously no one should ever ever have to deal with that... and he can get but in a federal prison for child abuse and for the use of marijuana........ your mom might be mad at you for it but no one deserves that kind of treatment.... not for 6 years.. I am sure you will probably be afriad to but, it better if you do then if you contiune to suffer in silence.... I wish you the best of luck and wish you a ton of courage to do what you have to do.....