Is it right to search a 10 year olds room?

Question

My newly adopted daughter has had a few new things pop up in her room. T-shirts that aren't hers, some cheaper looking MP3 player thing - hers is taken away due to behavior, belts, rings, CD's etc.... I notice these things when I go in and lay clothes on her bed. I have even found a few things of mine. She always has some excuse. We adopted from foster care and privacy is a big thing with her. She has never minded me being in her room and has never tried to hide anything, but I am feeling the need to start taking closer looks to see what more things are popping up. I fear she may be taking things from friends at school, and that bothers me. I want her to make friends and not enemies. Whould it be an envasion of her privacy if just went in and went through everything? Thanks!

Answer 1

Perhaps you should have what I call a prayer meeting - just a "sit down and get clear" conversation.
Explain to her again the rules of "our home" and see if maybe she'd like to add some or modify some. At least let her in on the discussion if not the decisions.
Maybe a rule could be that anything borrowed and brought into the home would be explained. Maybe she should have permission prior to borrowing anything.
Personally, I don't think it's an invasion of privacy to search a child's room if there is a justifiable reason for such. It's not like they have a lease and pay rent and have an expectation of privacy. As a child, privacy is an earned privilege, not a God given right.
May God bless you for adopting your new darling daughter.

Answer 2

Chances are a ten year old adopted out of foster care has not had a lot of chances to learn about trust and mutual respect. While you as a parent do have the right to go through your child's things, you need to keep in mind that at this stage you are building your relationship with her and establishing patterns of interaction that will go on for the rest of your lives together.

It seems likely to me that if she is leaving these things out in plain view while knowing that you go in her room for laundry, etc. this may be a test to see how you will respond. I would talk to her about what you have found, all of it and not one thing at a time that gives her a chance to make a series of excuses, and go through her room together. Discuss stealing and borrowing and what is and is not acceptable. Reassure her that she is part of a family now and that she will have her needs met (she may not have before), that you love her and want to be able to trust her and that you hope you can work together to build that trust. If it is a real problem, some counseling may be in order. Good luck.

Answer 3

It would be an 'invasion of privacy', but this girl is ten years old. As her parent, it is your right to know what is going on, because you are concerned for your daughter. Perhaps she is stealing.

I think the most important thing here is to be careful that this doesnt become a source of argument between you. If you find more and more things, sit down and have a gentle chat with her. A telling off may just put too much distance between you. It is better to try and understand why she does whatever she is doing, and to let her know what the rules are, and that the rules are there to protect her.

I would definately recommend searching her room with her knowledge and if possible, with her present.

Answer 4

Hmmm....this is touchy. It would be an invasion of her privacy BUT if she appears to be stealing I would not see too much wrong with it. However; your best bet may be to sit down and talk to her about this. Chances are she's going to go one of three ways: break down and cry out of shame, throw a huge temper tantrum about how you do not trust her, or calmly express that she may need help. I'm honestly betting on the second one. Once this step is clear, talk to the people who helped you adopt her, find out why she was in foster care if you do not already know, and asked them if they could maybe direct you to some therapists who may be willing to see her. Right now she is probably feeling out of sorts and is venting this way. She may also have been through some pretty traumatic experiences that were not explained in enough detail to you. Therapy is probably the best answer. Make sure she is able to not only have one on one but family therapy as well. She might need someone to talk to who can really help her figure things out but you all need it so that you can learn how to deal with any of it and how to help her.
Good luck.

Answer 5

You are after all her parent. Obviously, she may not like the idea of you searching through her stuff if she were to find out, however behavior like this needs to stop. If in fact she is stealing or even "borrowing" all these things from her friends, you have to explain to her that she either needs to return them in time, or stop stealing and return them immediately. It is not alright for a girl that young to have so many things that don't belong to her, even if it is just pre-teen borrowing. You have to go to the source of the problem. Confront her about it, so that you may contain the problem. Give her the benefit of the doubt, assume that she just borrows those things, because that is indeed what a lot of 10 year old girls do. Be very smart about questioning her. Pose questions like, and when do you have to give this back to (whoever she borrowed it from). Read her signs, and make sure that she isn't lying. Explain to her that if she wants something she doesn't have to borrow things from her friends, and create a system where you reward her for good deeds. Tell her that if she behaves even though you won't be able to give her EVERYTHING you'd be willing to get her something special once in a while. She may be borrowing things from her friends, because they offer them to her and being a foster child, you don't have much. But be understanding, and if it does turn out that she is stealing rather than freaking out, just calmly tell her that stealing is wrong, and that's not something that you expect from her. Tell her that it's a silly idea to steal, because she can get some of those things from you anyways.

hope it helps, and good luck with your daughter!

Answer 6

I am surprised at the number of posters who think that it is somehow disrespectful or wrong for a parent to search a child's room. As long as my son lives under my roof, and providing that I have a good cause to do so, I would or will search his room. That's not to say that I would randomly go through his room for kicks, but if I thought he was stealing I wouldn't hesitate to search the room.
Your daughter is only 10 now, but what happens if she continues to steal and graduates to stealing from retail businesses, etc.? In that case, legally, you can be held responsible and depending on what she's taken, you could go to jail. It may sound crazy but she's a minor and the stolen merchandise is being kept on your property.
I say to search her room and then sit down with her and ask her where she got the MP3, the clothing, etc. Ask her to be honest with her and remind her that she will never get in as much trouble being honest as she will being dishonest. Also, make sure to reiterate that now that she lives with you permanently, she doesn't have to worry about anyone taking her things and that she will always have her own room with her own belongings.
Good luck!

Answer 7

You have to weigh out what's more important....Is it more important for her to have her privacy, or is it more important that she is an ethical person with high values and morals? I'd choose the later.

Since she was adopted from a foster home, her situation is special and obviously requires a gentle approach. Talk to her about the things you can SEE first. Then, if she keeps coming up with "excuses," go ahead and search. Lying and stealing are huge problems that need to be adressed asap...that behavior could continue for years.

Answer 8

Well if you have suspicions then you should feel you can check her room and whatever else because she is your daughter and you need to know what is going on in her life and if you feel she may be hiding something then you have every right to take a closer look dont feel guilty you need to know so you can help her. If she wants her privacy she will have to earn it by showing that she can be trusted (ie not having other peoples things without permission). Well good luck thats a tough issue.

Answer 9

Don't go snooping. A ten year old child does deserve to have just one room that is her own and where she can feel safe. If you are afraid she is stealing, you can ask her about it and try to teach her that stealing is wrong. Tell her some stories about past experiences (I felt so sad when I was in 5th grade and so-and-so took my favorite necklace, etc). Try to make her feel a little bit guilty about stealing, and hopefully she'll learn to emphasize with others and stop theiving.

If not, I'd say just wait and sooner or later one of the kids will figure out who it is that's been taking their stuff. Then, she should really learn a lesson about stealing. Trust me from personal experience, when other kids get mad at you, it's much worse than when adults do.

Good luck!

Answer 10

You're the parent. It's your house. It's your rules. If you have reason to search a child's room then that's all you need.

Until that child has enough knowledge and experience to 'chose wisely' you will have to be the parent. Forget that invasion of privacy nonsense, you are watching out for the best interest of that child.

You are responsible for that child and what that child does. You have every right to perform your parenting duties and to perform them in any way you see fit (provided that you don't harm the child).