How do I forgive my mom?

Question

To make a LONG story short, my mother has treated me like trash all of my life. She's called me names when I was growing such as vvhore and bi+ch etc. I was honestly a good kid. The kind of kid every parent would have wanted to raise. I never got caught up in sex, drugs or alcohol when I was under her roof. I was my mom's slave --> literally. When I was 18 (hs diploma and putting myself through a trade school), I wanted to have friends to hang out with outside of school. I began having people over. My mom would cause a scene and start lashing at me in front of everyone. One day I had enough when I decided I was going to the movies. She fought w/ me and told me I wasn't allowed to go. I left anyway. When I came home at 4:30PM, she said I was way past my curfew and she was ready to hit me. I told her that if she laid one hand on me I was taking her down. I did not want my mom to "own" me anymore. That's when she threw me out.
No my mom has dimentia and everyone thinks..

I have to take her in. My husband is making me bring her into my home. My mom and I can't get along for 2 minutes.

It is obvious to everyone that she worships the ground that my brother walks on. My dad (parents are separated) and aunts can't believe how my mom talks my brother up. He's 26 and she still wakes up to make him breakfast, wash his clothes and iron them. He also moved his GF in and she does the same for her.

Yet, I'm supposed to take pity on her and say "sure, I'll be happy to have you move in w/ me."

For my brother's birthday, she called me and told me to pick up a birthday cake for him. I did because I get along with my brother. I didn't get reimbursed for this. My mom had the house decorated and people over and made dinner and all. The following month was my birthday and she told me she was making me dinner. When I got to her house, nobody was there, there was no decorations, and I asked her if she started dinner yet. Her reply was, "It'll be ...

done in five minutes. She said that we were having the leftovers from yesterday's dinner.

I just don't understand why I'm getting all of this pressure to take her in and now she wants to be nicer to me? Why? I can't deal with it. My husband said we just have to take her in because I'm my mom's only daughter and it's my responsibility. I don't know how to get over ALL of the years of crap my mom gave me.

Answer 1

No you don't have to take her in. She was cruel to you and she continues to mistreat you. I would be concerned that the pair of you would fall into a pattern of abuse and subconciously you may return some of the treatment you got when you were younger.

Go into counseling to deal with the mom issues--if your insurance doesn't cover it, check your communitee for someone who will work with you on a sliding scale. No matter if you forgive your mother or not, you need to get rid of the bitterness and resentment you feel because it can't be adding anything useful to your life. (Could your mother's present condition also have something to do with why she was so cruel when you were younger? Just something to think about...)

In the meantime, how is your mom's financial situation? There are other ways for you to make sure that your mother gets the care she needs without having her move in. Could you hire someone to move in with her or to sit with her for part of the day to make sure she's alright. Can you place her in a home that cares for people in her condition. Does she own her property, sell it to finance her new living conditions.

You need to sit down with your family (husband, brother, and mom and anyone else who will be contributing to her expenses) and talk to them about why she is not moving in with you. Be honest with them about the treatment you received from her when she was younger and let them know you do not feel the warm fuzzies needed to have her move in and you are concerned that because of your feelings for her and your past together that she won't be in a safe and loving home.

The role of caretaker is a difficult one under the best of circumstances and even then can create resentments between yourself, the one being cared for and your family.

You know what you are capable of handling and there is no shame in placing your mother someplace else if she will receive better care than you can provide.

as to why you're getting the pressure: no one else wants her and they are trying to guilt you into taking her in. She's being nice because she realizes that she has nowhere else to go.

Answer 2

My dear, when i read your post here... it reminded me of what my childhood was, it is about the same as you but the only thing different is ,this is my stepmom and i am the only child. it is the same situation when i have friends over to the house... the same scene about her ready to hit you anytime and all others... i am so sorry to hear how you feel... you reject her as much as you want to forgive her but your inner self does not want to forgive her cos she treated you so unfairly... the only thing that you could do is live with it as if nothing is the matter and do not really take it to heart whenever something unfair is being done... i know and experience this until my stepmom passed away a few years back.. looking back on the years when she treated me like that sends shivers down my spine...

Answer 3

WOW. Is there any chance you can ask your mother why she treats you this way, or will she just go off more? Can your brother talk to her, since she favors him? Maybe that will work. My advice for you is to pray for the ability to forgive your mother. It will be hard, and I am telling you from experience. I truly believe in God, and hope you do too. Please pray for your mother, because she is obviously sick. In the meantime, take time to ENJOY YOUR LIFE. No matter what, live your life. Good luck.

Answer 4

We are all human being that wasn't excepted from doing sins. As a daughter, you cant do anything, what else to be rude to your mom. Whatever she have done to you, just forget about it. Don't ever bear in your mind. Most important things that you must remember is that she is your mom. Woman that gave birth to you. Woman that raise you up, that make up you to be a good person. You have to look after her. Give her a good care because your "heaven" is under her feet.

Answer 5

there's no way I could forgive someone who put me through hell during the most sensitive yrs of my life. you can try to be the bigger person and forgive but you will never forget. the best thing you should do is either go to counciling to try and get over this and move on in your life. This can help you forgive your mother and find peace in your heart.

Answer 6

First....your husband is wrong...he should respect your wishes on this.

However if she comes to live with her....treat her like someone you don't really know. Do for her what you would do for any person in need......and forget your past.

Do it not because she's your mother.....but because she's a person who needs your help.

Answer 7

Please call with any problem, Anytime:
Girls and Boys Town National Hotline
Phone: [phone]
Email: [e-mail]

Answer 8

be a bigger person that's all i can tell you