How do you view the period of engagement?

Question

I have been talking to several friends about this and I'm getting different perspectives.

Some say that the period of engagement is the time when you can decide whether you are prepared to get married.

Others say that the period of engagement is just the time to plan the wedding -- that you should already know that you want to get married.

What do you say? Are people frowned upon if they call off an engagement? Or is it very common because an engagement is just the time when you make the final decision anyway?

Should we get engaged if we aren't 100% sure? My boyfriend is 100% sure...but I am only about 80% sure. Either way, we wouldn't be getting married for a few years.

Note: I said "SHOULD we GET engaged?" and "The wedding WOULDN'T be for another couple of years." I didn't say we ARE engaged. I am asking because we are CONSIDERING getting engaged.

Answer 1

don't get engaged. the length of the engagement should only be the time required to plan the wedding and make arrangements. studies have shown that lengthy engagements are much less likely to ever result in a wedding or marriage. i think this is because people who enter long engagements are either emotionally or financially unprepared, which is why they choose a date so far out.

if you accept a proposal, you should be emotionally and financially ready to be married. also, calling off an engagement is usually emotionally difficult because you have to notify everyone and they will all have questions about why it's off and who called it off. you will have to answer that question from everyone (granny, mom, friends, coworkers, etc). everyone will want to know. once the actual planning starts, the pressure to go through the ceremony can become very intimidating.

Answer 2

My understanding is that an engagement is a concrete agreement to get married, at a definite time in the forseeable future. It's not just the 'next step' in a relationship, but the phase of the relationship between making your decision to get married and the date that the wedding takes place. When you're engaged, you actively work toward planning your wedding - however big or small. For example: my partner and I dated for over three years and then decided to get married. Our engagement period was fairly short - 6 months - and we used that time to plan our wedding. I know some people who call themselves 'engaged' but have no concrete plans to get married. Seems kind of pointless to me...

If you're still trying to decide whether you want to marry this person, you should not get engaged - i.e. commit to marrying him - just yet. There is nothing AT ALL wrong with delaying your engagement until you are ready to decide. It's better to wait until you're 100% sure before you get engaged, but if you get engaged and then change your mind, it's much better for you to call off the engagement than go into a marriage that isn't right for you.

Because you wouldn't be getting married for a few years anyway, I would suggest that you put the engagement talk on hold and continue to date.

Answer 3

When a guy proposes and you become "engaged", that means you are both saying you are ready to get married emotionally and spiritual. However, you might need some physical time to get everything prepared.

To me, an engagement period is the time you plan your wedding (ceremony/reception).

Also, if you aren't living together; it's the time to figure out where you want to live and how to combined your lives both physically and financially.

You should be 100% sure you want to marry someone when getting engaged. Again, an engagement says "I WANT to marry you and I'm READY"

It doesn't say, "I MIGHT want to marry you"

Also, engagements should be no more then 1-2 years long. That's a good amount of time to find house (if you want to buy before) or combined your assets and start saving.

Anything more says, I want to marry you, but I'm NOT ready. If you aren't ready to start putting plans into motion, then wait.

Answer 4

The wedding is just the ceremony. I feel the engagment is the actual "wedding". When the guy asks the girl to marry him that's when he proposes to spend the rest of his life with her. If they have to wait until they get to the alter to decide, they weren't that sure to begin with!

If a couple calls off an engagement, they return any gifts and either take more time or go their seperate ways. I believe it's best to call off an engagement rather than get a divorce.

If you're not ready, don't force yourself, what's the rush? Take yout time and be sure ...or be sorry!

Answer 5

The engagement period occurs AFTER you both are committed to the relationship and know for certain that you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. The period to decide whether or not you want to get married is called "dating." If you aren't sure yet, that's ok! Especially if you wouldn't get married for a few years. Take your time, be together, and once you are sure, then by all means get engaged AND get married :)

good luck

Answer 6

Personally, I think getting engaged is as close to getting married without having done so. You are solidfying your relationship with the INTENT to marry. What I am trying to say is, I would not even consider getting engaged if I wasn't 100% sure this is the man I wanted to spend my life with. I treat the engagement period as the "planning the wedding" period, not the "let's see if I should actually get married" time.

People don't necessarily frown on broken engagements, but having personally broken an engagement, I find it very embarrassing having to explain and justify why I made that decision.

My view might be "old school", but it works for me!

Answer 7

If you're not 100% sure, don't get engaged. Getting engaged is stating your intent to marry, not stating your intent to think about getting married.

That said, if you discover during the engagement that you've made a mistake, then call it off.

The engagement period is an important transition. You're no longer really single, with options open. You've made a committment- but it's not the final commitment. It's sort of a halfway point- but you should still go into it with good intentions. It would be unfair to say "yes" when you really mean "maybe."

Answer 8

You shouldn't have said yes if you weren't sure you were ready to get married. You could've just said your not ready yet. You also could just be having cold feet because your scared about what is going to come and you really don't want it to be bad. Engagement is the time for planning and serious saving. You can stay engaged and not be 100% sure but when you know either way make sure you tell him. You can call off the engagement and still stay together if that's what you want (it could be your just not ready to get married) you need to do some reflection.
Take a weekend away (by yourself) and reflect how you feel about him, about engagement, just about marriage in general, and then about marriage to him. Go to a near by town (about 30 mins to an hour away) stay at a hotel and walk around town look at different shops, go into wedding shops just to browse or just stay in the hotel and think, take a relaxing bath and stay in bed watching tv. This reflection time is best spent away from people so you can clearly think what it is that you want to do. Good Luck!

Answer 9

As far as I'm concerned, since the engagement period starts with the answer to the question "Will you marry me?", once you are engaged, you have already decided that you want to get married. I think the engagement period is just for planning the wedding and how you are going to merge your lives together. It can be as short or as long as you want depending on how long that takes you. If you aren't sure you want to get married at some point, you should not get engaged.

Answer 10

You have to remember that when accepting an engagement you are saying yes to a proposal of marriage. If you're not sure about getting married than you really shouldn't be saying yes should you? I agree that an engagement period is the time when you should be planning your marriage, not deciding if marriage is right to you. If you're not ready, you need to tell him that if you've already been discussing marriage. There's no reason to agree to getting married if you're not sure. Be sure and then say yes. An engagement is supposed to be enjoyable because you're getting married. It's not supposed to be stressful because you're trying to make up your mind.

Good luck.