my 16 year old daugher!?

Question

My 16 year old daughter wanted to go out the other night with a 19 year old guy. She said he was "nice" and that we'd like him. I said "no" that a 19 year old guy doesn't go out with girls just because they are nice girls...rather, he is eventually gonna want to get in her pants. I'm not saying this is the perfect way to handle this, but I did want to get other people's thoughts on what else I coudl have done? Thanks!

Can I please hear from someone other than a teenager whose mother could care less what she does?

I care deeply for my daughter and want to teach her to respect herself.

Answer 1

If I were in your shoes, I'd call her bluff on him being a nice guy (who knows, it may end up being true!).

A (real) nice guy would understand that he's asking to date an underage girl. He would therefore be entirely willing to spend their first "date" at your house, with you there. If he's really interested in her for more than just sex, it wouldn't be a problem for him to spend time with her and her parents. Likewise, if she's really interested in him, she should understand that it's only because you care, and she'd think he's worth the investment.

Once you've had the opportunity to meet him and spend some time with him, then make the next decision based on what you've learned. Maybe they need to go on daytime only dates to begin with (won't stop anything, but might make it more difficult). Or let them go out in the evening, but with an early curfew - say 9:00.

If he really is the nice guy she claims he is, he should have no trouble understanding that you're caring parents who only want the best for your daughter...In truth, if he really is the nice guy she claims he is, he would want the same for his girlfriend, and should be more than happy to take it slow.

If he's unwilling to come meet you, then by all means, put your foot down with your daughter, and tell her that this is a direct sign that he's NOT the nice guy she thought he was. I'm not sure where you're at, and state laws vary, but I would be prepared to have him charged with statutory rape - and let your daughter know that you're ready. In many places, what they're asking for is against the law, so it can help to get the authorities involved.

Much of the reason why it's not legal for adults to have sex with teens is because teens are still in the process of growing - especially on an emotional and mental basis. They simply don't have the knowledge or ability to see in advance the repercussions of their actions.

I think you were absolutely in the right to say no, and I think that you posting this question here today shows your willingness to discuss the issue, if it will help you be a good parent with your daughter. Just because you said no initially doesn't mean the conversation has to be over. It's okay to let your daughter know that you were scared, but that you want her to know that you think she's an awesome kid with a good head on her shoulders, which might mean opening the topic up for discussion again. But along with your willingness to talk, she has to be willing to be completely honest with you, in return.

Answer 2

while its very nice that you want to protect your daughter, the fact of the matter is...she's 16, and I doubt that guys who are 16 or even 17 think any differently than the 19 year old, so unless your planning on her never dating...which I'm sure is a plan all dads have the fact is..its not realistic, who do you want her to date...a 14 year old? not gonna happen, first its true what they say..girls mature faster than guys, which is why we are always looking for someone older, second...19 is not that much older... third, by you not even wanting to meet the guy tells her a few things, one..your closed minded, two...you don't trust her nor her instincts, three...you have no confidence in the way you raised her, which results back to number two...no confidence in your parenting and therefore you do no have the confidence that she can make the right decisions, and therefore you do not have the confidence that she can pick the right guy, which in the end actually may suggest that you yourself as a dad do not have the confidence that you have given her a good example as how a guy should act or treat a woman. what could you have done? realize that they don't only think about sex, and maybe actually meet the guy before you judge him. trust me..I'm 27 and I remember when I was 16...you are on a very very fast track to having your daughter shut you out, thinking that your a dad who just doesn't understand women, and therefore won't come to you in the future, resulting in her going to the mom who doesn't care what she does. what may actually be the case is that the mother does care, but recognizes that her daughter is 16 and growing up. in the future..meet the guy first.

I'm 27, I live in a beautiful home in a great city, with good schools, and church, and neighbors, my husband and I moved from our small town home to a bigger city for a better opportunity at a job, in which we did really great at, so great in fact that we opened up our very own business, and now I am a stay at home mom with two beautiful children, one is 6 and is in the gifted classes of 1st grade, the other is 4mths old and taking a nap. and I help my husband run the business on a daily basis...however, I am now working to getting a degree in family law...the sincher? I met my husband when I was 16..he was 20., he wasn't only interested in getting into my pants, though I can't say that now.

Answer 3

I think it's a stereotypical answer because a guy finds a nice girl and she finds a nice guy that means he only wants to get into her pants. I think that if they're in a group together and just having a good time it shouldn't matter ages. Maybe you should learn to give people a chance if he truly cares about your daughter he's not going to do anything but have a good time with her then what's the problem? If she was 18 and he was 21 would you have the same problem with it?

Answer 4

I would've done pretty much the same thing! @_@

Add to it later, saying that if he was such a 'nice guy' then why didn't he already have a gf or does he?

And also, if he really is a nice guy, then invite him over so you get a chance to meet him... it's your prerogative to 'test' him- heck! he's going to be hanging out w/ your precious 16 yr old daughter!! And if he does seem nice enough, have him over for pizza & a movie, while you supervise, and then see how it goes. If he acts kinda 'eh' about the whole thing, then it'll show your daughter that he wasn't really serious about getting to know her...

Yes, I'd definitely have done the same thing! Our house rule is: no dating til 16 and even then, it has to be a 'group date'. So far, it's worked! =)

Hope you feel better about this... good luck!

Answer 5

That really is not a big age difference of course I would be worried. However I would be worried if the boy was 17yrs, or even 16yrs. Teenage boys and girls are little balls of hormones.

I would meet him and chaperon them a few times before I just forbid it. My mother forbid me to see a guy once and that just made me want him more.

So I snuck out behind her back and ended up a mom at 17yrs.

Having a trusting relationship with your daughter is the best defence. Keep talking with her not to her.

Answer 6

He's only 19 for goodness' sake. If you don't credit your daughter with some integrity, how is she ever going to learn any?

She's 16 therefore over the age on consent, old enough to leave school, get a job, leave home and get married. Teenage girls are generally much more mature than boys of the same chronological age.

While I appreciate your concern for your daughter, I think that your attitude to both the lad in question and your daughter is atrocious. His intention to get inside her knickers or not is going to be NO DIFFERENT to a lad of 16. In fact, does it occur to you that he might be less in search of bragging points and more inclined to consider what your daughter wants to do? And are you really so naive as to think that the lad's age is going to make any difference to her if she does decide to sleep with him.

I'd say wake up to reality! Your daughter is a young woman, not a little girl. She's perfectly well aware of what goes where, and what to do (or not do) about it. You need her to be comfortable talking to you, esp for advice and guidance. Are you one of those "smother mothers" who refuse their daughters sex ed classes and keep them in dangerous ignorance of their own bodies. She deserves some respect and trust. Have you actually spoken to this young man before you label him as a potential rapist and seducer?

If you refuse to let her see him, she'll just go behind your back - and probably do things that wouldn't otherwise even have crossed her mind. If you want your daughter to respect and trust you as her parent, then you have to be prepared to show her the same.

Answer 7

Im 17 and from my experience with guys A LOT of them are jerks..its kinda heart breaking lol. But when I was younger [13-15] I used to fight and argue with my mom over the guys I wanted to date. I went out and did what I wanted to do behind my moms back which is probably what your daughter will do. I know now what I was doing was stupid and in the end I realized my mom was right about these guys. I learned from my own mistakes and I've learned how to sense when a guy is trouble..and well now i've been with a guy for 2 years that my parents love.

Answer 8

Personally I think you need to trust your daughter until she gives you any reason not to. I'm 20 years old and my mom was the same way. I am a very mature person though. My mom always thought I wasn't making the right decisions and was always really negative the way she talked to me which just pushed me away. You really need to think about the way you say things to your daughter. I am now married have a 2 year old and am currently 8 1/2 months pregnant and very happy. My mom and I do have a very good relationship and it's because she realized she wasn't handling things the way she should. So take a step back look at the way you're handling things and take a different approach. Talk to her don't talk at her.

Answer 9

Maybe try having a conversation with her about her still being a minor and a 19 year old being considered an adult. Its so hard knowing what to say to a teenage girl because their so moody. Just try to get her to understand that you love her and are only looking out for her best interests. All you can do is talk, talk, talk. Talk to her and with her not at her. I wish you the best and just know that you have taught her right from wrong all these years and trust in her.

Answer 10

I would say bring him on over here and lets see how nice he is.
Personnally I think this is a fine line because he is over 18 don't know if I would let her go regardless however if he seemed decent enough I would have a curfew, give her my cell phone and find out exactly where they plan to go and let her know that don't think I won't check up on you.