The past and sex?

Question

I have been engaged to my fiancée for a year now. We dated for 6 months and were friends for a year and a half before the engagement. When we dated we did had sex. While we were friends I didn't have sex with her due to the fact that we were just friends. I knew that she liked me a lot and wanted a deeper relationship, but because I wasn't feeling the same at that time, I didn't engage in sex, not wanting to lead her on. She was open to continue to have sex even as friends though. Now that we are engaged, our sex life has not been the best because she's never into it. That's because I trained her she says that sex is not important to me and that memory is trapped in her head. So now she doesn't see me in a sexual way. Sex has been dead for months now. She'll have sex with me, but puts nothing into it. She does it out of duty. Is this normal and if so, what should I do to make things better? Did I make a mistake by stopping having sex with her when we were just friends?

Answer 1

Sex is a big part of a relationship for guys, if you think it will impact the marriage then dont do it. It sounds piggish, but you gotta be happy....and nobody likes to make love with a sofa...

Answer 2

Physical attraction is a large part of any relationship. Sex is a product and measure of that physical attraction. If she was having sex with you before and not now, I think that is a problem especially now since you guys are engaged. Sit her down, tell her how you are feeling, and ask her for her honest opinion. As such, you should be prepared for her HONEST opinion, she may hurt your feelings.

If she denies anything is wrong or does not open up to you, give her some time. If you don't foresee any changes, you may have to reconsider the person you are planning to marry.. Maybe sex is just not a big part of the relationship to her. If so, consider whether the other aspects of the relationship outweigh this part of the relationship.

It is normal for you to feel the way you are feeling now. You may feel unattractive, unwanted, and unloved. From what you have written, you have done nothing wrong. If you wish to seek professional help, couples counseling or therapy are good options. However, in the end, you need to consider yourself and your needs for the future.

Answer 3

Hmmm, I don't know about it being a mistake, that was how you felt. I know that with my ex we did it almost daily and now with my current bf we do it maybe twice a week and I wish it were more......maybe if you try different ways of initiating sex it will turn her on and get her in the mood.

And also communication is key, let her know that even though you didn't want to have sex with her that much before because you didn't feel comfortable just being friends and engaging in sex, but you view sex as an important part of a relationship and would like to engage in it more often.


Also, maybe work new things into your sex life so she may get turned on more.....maybe oral if you don't already?

Answer 4

I don't think you are wrong with any of the things you did in the past , sexually speaking. I don't think it would have been fair for you to have sex with someone you didn't have feelings for or intentions toward. I say, let her read this, cuz its coming from a 33 yr old woman (who just so happens to love sex) with relationship experience and 2 times (though not so lucky) at marriage. Sex is usually the first thing to go. Let her see that a fellow female believes you were right in the way you behaved. Tell her (if its the truth) that sex is important to you and now that you two are engaged and in love, that it does now have meaning to you. Talk to her, maturely about it and if that doesn't work, Don't ask her for sex for a while and see how long it takes for her to come to you for it. And then let her take charge. Force her to take action. As far as the first comment, i agree with the comment on the sofa :)

Answer 5

I had a class in college once, it was called African American sexuality. However, the teacher of that class who was a psychologists himself with a private practice on the side, told me an interesting story similar to yours. Basically when the guy met his girl they had sex non-stop all the time. He marries her, and on their wedding night she wouldn't even touch him and went to sleep claiming to be tired and said; "that they could do that anytime they wanted." The guy couldn't understand why she didn't even want to touch him anymore. sadly enough they ended up getting a divorce.

The sex in that relationship no matter how she felt about it was key. I bet if you started spending your quality time else where that would definitely change her thought process. I would say she's cheating on you but you have no proof. The only advice I can give you is to change your general pattern, start hanging out in different places to get you mind on other things.

Then when she approaches you about where you've been, what you're doing, you can just tell her that you've been taking time out to take care of yourself. If she doesn't want to have sex with you anymore then give her a reason too miss you.

There's no real answer I can give you to explain why she's acting the way she acts. the only way you can find that out is to ask her yourself. If the problem persist then it could mean she has possibly gotten use to you. Whatever it is it's all in her mind, because if she's not into sex while you're having it with her then it's something wrong with her, NOT YOU.

To be totally honest with you it sounds like she's leaning in the direction of wanting to separate, or calling off the engagement all together. Time will reveal all the answers, just find something or someone else to do in the meantime.

Answer 6

Hmmmm.... sex seems to be a common issue in committed relationships. My husband and I didn't have a lot of sex in the months leading up to our wedding because, well, to be honest - I was just TOO STRESSED! Has she been recently stressed out about anything? That will kill a woman's sex drive...

When's the last time you romanced her? It could be that you guys just need to spice it up a bit... buy her a dress and leave it on the bed for her to find and take her to a surprise dinner, dance with her, seduce her... leave sexy notes in her car or text message them -- just be creative... there's passion there, I'm sure, you just have to awaken it :) Figure out what makes her feel sexy, then do it :)

If you find this situation doesn't improve with effort, you might want to see a therapist together. This is something that warrants attention, as it can cause a lot of stress after you've made the commitment.

Good Luck!

Answer 7

this is not normal. Either she has a medical problem - in which case she should go and see her Dr about it, ....
or...
she is not into you. Have you tried trying to please her? Do you know what she likes. Are you romantic at all during the day? Do you talk and cuddle when there is no hint of sex during the day?
Women like to be appreciated - not just in bed.
If you have tried all of these things, then get the hell out before you regret marrying her and start to cheat on her.
Sex is not everything in a relationship, but if your marriage starts off that way, it does not look good for the long term.
No one should have sex just out of duty. It is a natural thing and should be enjoyed by both parties.
You deserve someone who loves you in every way.
Unless you are not into it either, then stay with her and be happy with the way things are, because I don't see them changing.
good luck

Answer 8

You need to make your explanation to her more concise. Tell her something along the lines of "I didn't want to lead you on" and that you didn't think it was fair to commit to a sexual relationship until you knew she was the one you wanted to marry. I have no idea really! I do know that it doesn't sound like you two should get married. Ask her if that's what she really wants. Like it or not, sex is a huge part of a relationship, and you need to ask her if she is willing to commit the rest of her life to a man she has "duty" sex with. I have tried putting myself in her place, but I don't really know what I would do. Usually when the sex dies, so does the rest of the relationship.

Answer 9

I think that sounds like a dumb excuse on her part.
But its normal to not be AS into sex...I have been with my husband for a couple years now and I love him to Death. I'm also very attracted to him, but I don't put as much into sex now because a lot of the time I am tired, he is tired, we both have like aches and pains or we have stuff on our mind. It doesn't mean that one week we wont have sex every day and that also doesnt mean that one week we wont have sex more than 3 times...

But her giving you that excuse is lame. Maybe she isn't into you that way anymore, or maybe she is stressed and has stuff distracting her.

but the fact that you didn't have sex when you were just friends shouldnt put her off, it should show her that you are a good guy and that sex is important to you but only when your in love. That makes you look like a great guy, it shouldnt turn her off...thats lame like I said.

Tell her that you were attracted to her back when you were friends but it was importnant that the sex meant something to you.

Answer 10

When a woman is not attracted to you as much as you are attracted to her
THERE IS A PROBLEM (YOURS or HERS)

Just remember your good days as friends. Have you used to discus almost any subject, like between friends . . .
TALK AGAIN
Friendship, love, team, listener, sex, anything else you may want to put on the list - these are yours, to share. Make it like playing. Be happy all the way you have each other.
There is a lot of imagination needed in any you are concerned of.

Make her feel wanted. Show her the things you love most to her. This will lighten her imagination, maybe.
After all what did she love about you? (don't ask this!) You have to attract her some ways. Neh? Massage is always welcome.

Happy Christmas!

Answer 11

I dont think you made a mistake in stopping sex with her while you're her friend... if you're friends, you're friends, if you're lovers, you're lovers... there should be a distinct separation between both of those relationships... if i were her and you kept sleeping with me while we were friends i would think: "he's taking advantage of me, wanting the benefits of a relationship without the responsibilities and duties of a boyfriend." My boyfriend and i weren't on best terms so we became friends... so i stopped being with him bc i dont sleep with my friends... and then we got back together and i still havent been with him because i think we should slow into it... we're getting married in 3 weeks and i think that's the best thing for both of us. You could try romancing her again... making it very special and taking her somewhere nice.... then lighting candles and having roses, if she's into that stuff.... but i also think you should have a conversation with her where you clearly state: sex is important and you're lack of enthusiam is killing the mood... just tell her the truth... and discuss it with her.