I'm an Army mom and wife. My son is in Iraq and my husband is soon to join him. The predeployment issues are driving me crazy! HE is driving me crazy! I know of the Red Cross web sites and other "resources" out there. This ain't my first rodeo, so to speak. What I need is someone who has dealt with this to advise. My FRG is pretty far away and not readily available. Please advise on dealing with the insecurities of your soldier and where to draw the line on issues such as time with him (while he is still here). He is able to come home on some weekends and demands I drop everything, including my responsibilities with our 2 year old son. And I do, with the exception of my son. When I am unable to find a sitter or have to attend to the baby, he is withdrawn and says I don't care about him. If I release my frustration and try to talk to him about situations I'm struggling with, he says I don't want to be here. If I don't discuss these things, he says I'm being pretentious. Please HELP!
2007-12-10 05:25:24 · 6 answers · asked by SKY 2 in Politics & Government ➔ Military
I would like to add that he is career Army, very close to 20 years in. This is by far his first deployment or his first war. This is our second deployment as husband and wife. Thanks for all the support thus far!
2007-12-10 05:57:02 · update #1
Ma'am...
I can tell you that when you talk to guys on the ground, the thing that's usually on the top of the lisf of things they miss is loved ones. Especially wife and kid(s).
Perhaps he wants to be super saturated with you so maybe it won't be so painful for him when you're apart. He wants to be immersed in your love an presence while he can. Sharing you... with anybody... takes away from that immersion.
I know that, if I was dating somebody at the time of my deployment, I was pretty stingy with her time. I knew, for example, she had to go to work... but I was about to go away for six months to a year... or more... In retrospect, it was selfish... but it sure didn't seem so at the time. Quite frankly, on more than one occasion, I was angry that my girlfriend would have the audacity to live her own life when I'd made the effort (flew up to San Francisco from San Diego) to spend my last few days with her before deployment.
I like to think I'm a pretty cogent, rational, logical guy... but, at least in this case, it was kind of like I hadn't come down from the trees and started walking on my hind legs yet.
Ma'am, I don't want to cause you more worry, but perhaps he's worried that each time he goes away and comes back kind of means the cards left in the deck are less favorable. I did three tours in Vietnam. I knew a guy with four tours. He figured he was living on borrowed time. By the way, last I heard... about five years ago... he was still alive... I think living in Texas. A little fear is kind of healthy sometimes. It tends to help keep one alive.
It's kind of hard... maybe impossible... for one who has never been in combat to understand what goes on in the mind of a person whose job is combat. Oddly, for the most part, I don't remember much fear when I was in combat. When on a mission I think I was too intent on the mission to be afraid. Training seems to kind of kick in and you sort of of go on auto-pilot. But there were times before insertion that I was plenty worried. And I'll admit to thinking occasionally about hearth and home, family and friends. And after we were extracted, and the adrenaline dissipated, I remember some "exciting" times during the mission... and sometimes I'd think about family and friends.
I don't know if anybody could have convinced me I was being irrational... or even unreasonable. As far as I can recall, nobody tried. Family and friends I guess just kind of tip-toed around me, probably wondering how to cope with me... just like you're probably doing with your husband.
Solution? Well, I don't think anybody here can give you one. None of us knows you or your husband. But, maybe understanding what might be going on in his head, and with the bond you share, perhaps you can come up with something.
If you think it might help, please tell your husband thanks for his service.
There's an old WW II saying, "They also serve who stand and wait." That refers to you. Thanks for your service too.
Take care.
2007-12-10 08:40:17 · answer #1 · answered by gugliamo00 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No answers but you sure can share the frustration, apprehension and general unhappiness with me. I'm an older parent who had one son serve in Iraq, one foster son serving in Afghanistan and several close kids serving together. And each of them handled redeployment and post deployment different. Drop the guilt. Never helped a single issue. If your husband is being unreasonable I'd say it's not the first time. And, just between you and me, they all get a bit testy. Tell him when he can be honest with you about what is rattling his chain you'll be more than happy to listen. Right now you have your own bucket of problems to deal with...and it isn't easy. If you didn't love him the party would be tomorrow. Please don't let him project his insecurity under the present situation onto you. Be supportive, but let him know you can sort it out when he gets home. You'll be there.
2007-12-10 13:44:02 · answer #2 · answered by Devil'sFoot37@sbcglobal.net 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It sounds like your husband is suffering from some pre-deployment anxiety and panic. Whats bad is it will be even harder for him to deal with this when he gets over there and also can cause some problems for him when he comes home after his deployment. I would call a couple his friends or better yet his Sergeant Major and let him know whats going on. He can refer you and him to some counseling and support groups and also educate your husband a little bit about what he is experiencing and why he is reacting like he is and make it a little better for him and you both as far as being able to deal with all this.
2007-12-10 13:48:05 · answer #3 · answered by samuraiwarrior_98 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
He's so stressed out. I know, I acted that same way with my husband before I left.
If he would've sat down and talked to me - explained calmly, it would have been much appreciated.
Say something like, "Darling, I love you more than anything. I still have responsibilities and remember that you are at the front of my mind even when I'm doing other things."
He'll have to listen to reason - but you'll have to try to understand why he's having a hard time, too.
Good luck!
2007-12-10 13:30:32 · answer #4 · answered by Ahhtchoo 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You helped me find a soldier I'll help you. My fiancee of 8 years is in spec ops we have 3 children (7,6,&,4). He is gone for short periods of time, very often, but on very dangerous missions. When we have time together, especially after he first comes home, he wants my undivided attention. I give it to him. I have worked on finding a babysitter for the kids, that is a available at the drop of a hat (she's a Navy brat herself). When he is home he gets ALL my attention. I work only as needed at my job, so when he is home we are together, as much as he wants to be, wich is all the time.
2007-12-10 14:27:49 · answer #5 · answered by alokame 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no but guezz wut...... my name iz ⥠SKY⥠2!!!!!!!
2007-12-10 13:33:39 · answer #6 · answered by ... 1 · 0⤊ 6⤋