What can be done about Sis-in law who is breaking the family apart?

Question

My s-in-law has been nothing but hateful to my family ever since my brother and she married three years ago. I really wish I could have good relationship with her but she makes things impossible. I babysit my niece (their daughter) for them 5 days a week (for next to nothing) after I get off work and get home, so you'd think she'd be civil to me when she comes to pick the baby up. She either does one of two things: Comes in my house and says nothing, picks up the baby and leaves. OR comes inside and makes some kind of nasty comment about toys being on the livingroom floor (I have two kids of my own as well). Among the many hateful things she says, she acts the worst to my mother, whom she completely disrespects by refusing to let her buy her granddaughter any type of toy or gift. We find out she takes them back to the store and gets the money for them. Surely my brother can't be blind to this, but he sure is acting like it. The rest of us are tired of her ugliness. Puzzled.

Answer 1

Well to be blunt about it, the SIL is taking advantage of you and your family because no one ever stopped her years ago. You allow her to walk all over you and will continue to be taken advantage of until someone puts the SIL in her place.

Now I don't know the personality of her, but it seems like she can be confrontational. I might ask her out to lunch one day and discuss your feelings. If you can tell a bunch of strangers here on the Internet how you feel, you shoudl be able to tell the SIL the same thing. Of course you will need to anticipate the ramifications of no longer seeing the niece. But that is SIL's loss because she depended on you for childcare. She will have to seek outside resources.

I will tell you that if you continue to bottle up your feelings to spare your brother, you will explode. And it will not be pretty; it will be destructive. SIL takes advantage and is rude; and she needs to know that. Expect harsh words on her behalf to be exchanged and the blame game shifted back to you for whatever petty reason. But as an adult, YOU need to step up to the plate to have this conversation with her.

{{{GOOD LUCK}}} You'll need it!

Answer 2

Same thing happened to my best friend (mostly the same thing). Her sister in law was a total pill. And would say and do all these nasty things while the brother stood by. Turns out that the brother also felt the same way about his family. That's why he let his wife get away with saying nasty things, because he felt them too, just didn't say them. So, it could be equal parts your brother and her. Just your brother isn't brave enough to be hostile to your and your family's faces.

Or she could just be a rude jerk who he doesn't see as she is. My suggestion would be to talk to him, tell him that you love him; can't stand her. And tell him you guys (your family) are going to distance yourselves from them a little if his wife's attitude doesn't change. That would include no childcare.

Why suffer because he chose a jerk for a mate? Don't cut him off, but you can get a little less close.

Answer 3

I'd say unless you really need the "next to nothing" pay, I'd tell them you can no longer watch their child and explain to your brother why. I too have a sister-in-law who has changed things with me and my oldest brother. Long story short...I no longer talk to either of them and Christmas Eve at my parents house is very awkward. The sad thing is the children are the ones who get hurt in the end. It has been 2-3 yrs since I've seen my nephew & nieces or my kids to see their cousins, but sometimes things are said and done that can't be change. Don't know if I've helped you...but maybe distancing yourself for awhile anyway, may help

Answer 4

Hey there,

Have you spoken to your brother about the situation? He may have some insights into her behaviour that your family is not aware of. For instance, what kind of family does she come from, or what is her mother like? And your brother may not be fully aware of what's going on. Since she is his wife, most of the responsibility lies with him to sit her down and have a talk with her. Don't let him off the hook and blame it all on her.

All behaviour like that comes from inner pain. And if it's not faced and healed then it will just be projected out into the world. If she comes into your house and behaves hostilly, maybe you could say that she seems to be out of sorts and ask her if she'd like to talk about it. There's no guarantees, but she just might take you up on it. Resolution comes from loving communication. And try to keep your end of the conversation without blaming or judging when possible. But you can certainly tell her how she makes you all feel.

If none of that brings any results, you might want to consider not babysitting your niece anymore. Your home is your sacred space and sancuary and should be respected and protected. By you. To have someone come in and pour poison into it 5 days a week is not healthy for you or your family. Especially when you know that you are not being respected by the people doing it. Can you love yourself enough to put yourself first?

And I would tell your mom to stop buying anything for your niece for now. If your sister in law or brother notices and complains, then she can explain why.

Blue

Answer 5

This is a tough one! If your brother is in love with this woman, than it will be really hard for him to see what you are talking about. I think it's ridiculous that she is being so rude to you, when you are doing her a huge favor!

However, you have the power in this situation. You can talk to your brother about it, or go directly to her and say, "You know what, I do not appreciate the level of disrespect you are showing to me and my mother. I am doing you a favor by watching your daughter every night, the least you could do is be appreciative..", something along those lines. I'm sure you absolutely adore your niece, but maybe your sister in law needs a wake up call! If she's not appreciative of you and your mom, than draw the line and stop babysitting. That will inconvenience both your brother and her, but maybe then they will get it!

Answer 6

In-laws are difficult to have civil relationships with. My mom-in-law is half crazy and I can't stand her. The fact of the matter is that sometimes you have to put up with their bs to make your brother happy.
To be honest though, if your sis-in-law does not appreciate you babysitting her kid, they I'd quit doing it. Don't just say, "I don't wanna babysit your kid anymore" though. Tell her that you do not appreciate her disrespect when she comes into YOUR home. You really have to be up front. She might back off the bitterness, once she realizes that no one is going to lay down for her to step all over.
I hope this helps a bit. Good luck!

Answer 7

First of all, don't watch her kid anymore. Its fine to want to spend time with your niece, but you can do that as a family. What you're doing right now is letting her walk all over you. Tell her you're no longer able to watch her daughter. If your brother asks, tell him you feel taken advantage of.
There's not much you can do about her being rude to your mother except to stick up for your mother when you see it happen with your own eyes. You need to do your best to ignore her and distance yourself from her or it will only cause you heartache and stress.

Answer 8

Next time she comes in in one of her "moods", making nasty comments. Look at her and say "Is everything ok? you seem so tense, is there anything wrong?" ... maybe she'll open up, sounds like she's pretty miserable in her life.

Also, she's likely intimidated by you and your mother, she's feeling inadequate, so she picks on things she can find wrong, and exploits those issues, to keep you at arm's length.

As for the toys, do they need the money? Likely she feels bad, because she cannot provide those items for the child, herself.

I doubt that he's blind to it, just unable to figure out a way to handle the situation. Talk to him, find out if all is well in their houshold. Usually when someone is, stressed, angry and miserable, they take it out on others.. this sounds like the case.

As for the babysitting, if making kind overtures to her, do not work. Cut back on the babysitting, tell her... something has come up for 3 of the 5 days, and you hope she'll understand. I know you don't want to lose contact with your niece.

good luck to you.... :)

Answer 9

I am in a similar situation. Your SIL's behavior does more than infuriate you; it puts strain on your relationship with your brother because you can't talk to him about it-right?

Something my mother always said applies here: You teach people how to treat you. You don't like the way she is treating you or your mother, yet you continue to reward her behavior by doing her favors. If you want to break this cycle, somethings gotta give.

Tell her, not your brother, that you have taken on too much watching all 3 kids, plus your job. In order to downsize the responsibility, you've decided to quit babysitting. If she sends your brother to discuss this with you, be honest with him. Tell him her attitude puts strain on your relationship with him (and her). Tell him you think you should quit mixing family and business so you can enjoy your brother and his family more.

Most importantly, get your mother in your corner on this, so she doesn't undermine your strategy.

EDIT: I don't agree that the ball is in your brothers court. The only person you can control is YOU, so you have to be the one to initiate the solution here. Someone else pointed out, and I agree, that the SIL is prolly confrontational. Whatever you say to her, it is wise to say it in front of your brother. That way she can't twist what you said when she goes home to him.

Answer 10

We have someone like that in our family and it has escalated to the point where she wants her family to move away. Any gift she gets from her mother in law she returns, including the ones from Italy!!! And her husband says nothing, which makes us all really bad. My suggestion is to have an intervention before it escalates to the point of where it's at with our family (we can't even have christmas together). Get teh family together and talk to them. Yeah they might be pissed off for a while, but in the end it'll be worth it.