Threats from my ex-husband and my daughter's actions?

Question

My daughter is 15 and just moved here to live with me. She lived with her father from age 10 to 15.

We live in an apartment and she mentioned that we might be moving to her father. He said that the "world will be upside down" if he finds out that we have moved into an apartment. He wanted to visit over the holidays, but I have decided not to have any contact with him because of this threat. Any suggestions.

Also, my daughter's heart and mind are always with her Dad, grandmother and friends from the other state that she moved from. She gets up in the morning or comes home from school and talks on the phone for about 1 hour. Then, she starts her homework.

I don't know how to change her focus so that its not so much on her past life. She keeps saying "I hate it here." Then, she pushes me or throws a plate on the floor that I am eating. I get upset with her then. I don't know how to handle her?

Its a difficult situation. I feel like a failure.

Answer 1

Stareyes, she didn't "just move here" with you -- it's been several months, now.

Her father has no control over your living arrangements, as long as your living arrangements are safe, healthy and appropriate. Tell him you've moved into an apartment and be done with it. You're living in terror that he's going to find out -- well, yes, he IS going to find out. So why not just tell him, and then if he tries to give you any s**t, say, "That's the way it is, it is NOT up for a vote." Do it by email. There. Problem solved. (Unless there was something in the custody agreement that you *and* your parents would be providing your daughter a home. In that case, you may be in violation of your custody arrangement, and THAT is a completely different kettle of fish.)

Pushing you or throwing things is NOT acceptable. She thinks she's miserable now? Boy, she's going to be REALLY miserable when she loses her phone privileges next time she pulls a stunt like that. She hasn't SEEN miserable yet, until she's down on her hands and knees with a toothbrush cleaning the floor after throwing your food down. You get UPSET with her?! Honey, YOU are the mom, by God, she should be feeling FAR more miserable as a consequence of her juvenile reactions than you being "upset." If it were my child -- honestly, Stareyes, if she's that into throwing things, that cell phone would have been thrown off the nearest bridge the first time she threw something at ME. Internet time with Facebook or AIM? Ha! A distant memory!

Who cares if she hates it? Her father has given you a spoiled brat. I am way past sympathy for her "moving from all her friends." It's been almost six months -- past time to get over it. Give her a three-year calendar, and tell her that the day she turns 18, she's free to do whatever she likes, but until then, you and she have to make the best of it. And make a decision that there's no reason for BOTH of you to be miserable -- if she chooses to be miserable, so be it. That doesn't mean that YOU have to be.

Answer 2

First, you are not a failure. You just have to learn some things to help you both adjust to the new living arrangements. Your daughter just moved in with you so her world just got turned upside down. For the past 5 years she lived with her Dad in a different state. Because of the distance you probably didn't get to see her as often as you wanted to. Her everyday world included her Dad, her grandmother and her friends so naturally she misses them and wants to stay in contact with them. She doesn't really know you or anyone else in her new home state yet. That will change with time.

In the meantime, she doesn't get to set the rules in the house. If she pushes you and throws your plate of food on the floor she has to know that's not appropriate behavior and there will be consequences. Those consequences should be a loss of privileges. She hates it there because she doesn't know her new home yet and hasn't given it a chance. You can yell at her and punish her but that will only push her away from you.

My suggestion would be to be patient, talk to her when she's calm and tell her you understand that she's upset about the move. Tell her you want her to be happy there and that you'll do what you can to help her adjust. Try to get her to talk about what she's feeling so she can express herself in a more appropriate way. She's 15, not 5 so throwing a tantrum doesn't work anymore.

Don't allow her to make you feel guilty about anything. Things are what they are and you both have to learn to adjust. Try to be a friend to her but also be a parent. When she acts out, don't respond. When she acts appropriately, praise her. When she throws a tantrum, let her know that's inappropriate and take away a privilege. When you are able to have a conversation with her, ask her what kind of discipline her Dad used. Ask her what she feels would be appropriate when she acts out. Getting her invested in the rules will help her feel more involved and not like she's being dictated to.

Treat her with love, compassion and respect and tell her you expect to be treated the same way. As for the apartment living, did her Dad's threat come directly from him or was it translated by her? If it came directly from him, he doesn't get to dictate where you live unless he's willing to help pay the mortgage for you. If it came through her, that most likely is an exaggeration. Talk to him about what's going on and about what you want for yourself. Don't ask his permission, tell him how things will be.

You are not a failure so don't put yourself down. You have enough to contend with now with your daughter and her anxiety. Don't add to your own by beating up on yourself. Exercise some patience and maybe talk to people who you know who may have been through something similar. There is support out there. You're making a good start by asking for help. This situation with your daughter will improve. It will take time.

Answer 3

I'm sorry for what you are going through but I'm sure things will get better within time. Perhaps try and bond with her. Talk to her and tell her how you feel. Do things together, like go to the movies, out for dinner, play board games, look through photo albums of the past and talk about things when she was little. Tell her happy stories from the past but whatever you do, don't put her dad down in anyway cause she will just rebel more towards you. Best of luck

Answer 4

There are parenting classes that are sometimes offered through the courts for divorced parents, or you could consult with a psychologist. You could even contact your daughter's school to see if they offer parenting classes (my children's school does). These classes would help you to know appropriate responses to your daugther's tantrums - she's actually a little old now for a two year old's temper tantrum.

You may also consider contacting your local health department to see about counseling sessions for you and your daughter. Sometimes they are offered for reduced or low fees if you qualify. Or contact your health insurance provider to see if they cover family or individual counseling. Your daughter needs to learn coping mechanisms besides throwing tantrums to adjust to her new life. Everyone is more comfortable with what they've know for long periods of time, but most everyone adjusts to new situations throughout their life and she needs to realize this (for adults there is marriage, several residence changes, divorce sometimes, usually several job changes, death and illnesses and we all must cope with these changes and continue on with our lives).

Don't consider yourself a failure, consider yourself a work in progress.

Good luck to you both and God Bless.