How can this invitation be improved?

Question

As the dreams of a little girl become
The realities of a young woman,
We, Grampa & Grama
Request the honor of your presence
At a celebration in honor of
Our first grand-daughter

Quinceanera's Name

As she reaches her Fifteenth Birthday
To be held on Saturday, March twenty-second
two thousand and eight
at five o'clock in the afternoon
City Community Center
123 The Avenue
Somewhere, California

The "Grandpa & Grama" and "Quinceanaera Name" and all pertinant info will be changed to the correct names and location.

Answer 1

This is only my opinion but I think your words are a little too mature for a 15 year old. She is a young woman but her dreams would probably be a little child-like just yet.

Writing a number higher than ten is not grammatically correct. You should write it in figures and not words. (eg, March, 22nd, 2008)

I suggest:

As the dreams of a little girl
become the promise of her future,
it would be an honour for you to join us
in the celebration of Jane's 15th birthday
to be held at
City Community Centre
123 The Avenue
California
on Saturday, 22nd March 2008
at 5pm.
Dress is formal/casual/??

Are you going to do this for every grandchild?








Conratulations to your grand-daughter.

Answer 2

I agree, too many "honor"s in a row. Also, how are we spelling Grandpa and Grandma? If those are "pet" names familiar to the guests then the way you have it is fine. But considering the formality of the rest of the invite, you might want to use the correct spelling. (Or maybe even their given names?)

Answer 3

I agree about moving one of the honors. Also put a comma after Grama.

Answer 4

Looks good to me, however I would either remove or change one of the honors. Either simply say request your presence... or rephrase with a different word. It always sounds a little amateurish if you repeat the same words in such a close proximity.