Muslim mother in law's dirty looks?

Question

My future mother in law tells my guy things that make him believe she's welcoming me into our local Muslim community, and at the same time I'll catch her frowning at me. It happened recently at a gathering. Of course he never sees this himself. So it's a bit awkward in that sense.

I am aware that there are certain things that you can do, and not do out of respect for elders, and members of the community who are more religious. We live in the US, so if I lean my head on his shoulder and his mother is there, this is not offensive to me, and I did not think it would have been to her, either! She doesnt cover her head, she wears american clothes. So where is this strictness coming from?

Was it because there were a few elders in the room, or was it because she was just being particularly bitter that day. They were all in conversation and not really paying any attention to us anyway. I guess im wondering what the dirty looks were about, and if she actually had reason for it?

many are suggesting that I just suck it up, and deal with it, when every fiber of me is telling me that she is just trying to intimidate me. Im sorry but I am from the same country, as she is, and their family, I was just raised in the US, and I dont think I should have to wither away under the disapproving looks of anyone.

How is that teaching me to be a strong confident muslim woman, if she's determined to break me down first?

I am completely in love with him, but his mother also comes with him, and if this continues, im backing off. Im sure there have to be other muslim guys out there who's mothers arent so full of themselves, and I dunno maybe MODERN.

Its not like I was all over him, I would never do that in front of her, let alone elders.

And I am NOT wearing hijab. Its not part of my culture as a muslim. Thats why his mom doesnt even wear it. That doesnt make her any less of a muslim, than people who do.

Answer 1

Sounds like there could be a little more understanding on both sides. She is in America and her son is marrying an American. It's not unreasonable to expect you'd act like an American. However, if she considers the gesture rude, it is extremely insensitive if you continue doing it in front of her! You're probably going to have to deal with this woman for the next few decades, so its in your best interest to try avoiding provoking her. Also, just because she dresses like an American does not mean that she embraces all of American culture. She may very well be bi-cultural.

A "dirty look" may be nothing more than a look. I see it as entirely possible that she can honestly welcome you into a community and still be disapproving of certain distinct actions that you take. My suggestion is to not be overly quick in judging.

Answer 2

I grew up with no religion, it was almost taboo in my home for some reason. My parents call themselves Christians, although they do not practice, meaning they never pray, attend church, or even really think of God for that matter. This made me grow up tp wonder about religion, and what makes a person different from the next on the basis of religion. I began reading the bible at an early age, 18, and then went on to study Islam. I found so much peace during and after completing the Quran, there was no doubt this is the one true religion. I agree with you on the point that the Quran, revealed over 1400 years ago to the beloved prophet Muhammed (pbuh), has so many scientific notations that are just being discovered by scientists today. Alhumdulilah, I have now been muslim for over 10 years, and my life has changed so much since choosing the right path in serving Allah (swt).

Answer 3

You got some cultural and religious differences there.

Like the clothes.....its america, of course you are going to be wearing american clothes. Like i went to a muslim wedding a few months ago and the groom was pretty ticked that half the men were not wearing suits.

The covering your head thing is somewhat debatable if its a necessity.....Some say its not and its just cultural. Others say its required. All agree its better to cover your head than not to.

PDA (public display of affection)....thats an ISLAMIC no no. You generally don't see married muslim men and women holding hands.

Only 20% of the muslims are from the middle east, don't use them as your guide to conservative and liberal islam....they have culture thrown in.

Answer 4

I am a guy dating a Muslim Girl. It is not any kind of hatred towards you. However, most Muslim women are all about being prim and proper. My girlfriend loves me and I love her. Her mother loves me and she knows that I lover her daughter, but out of respect to her mother, the most we do is hold hands. On Christmas I gave my girl a present that excited my Girl so much that she leaped up and started kissing me. This behavior made my girls mom widen her eyes in disbelief of the PDA that was taking place before her.

To put in short you leaning your head against your husband is consider too far. My advice to you is to act according to the rules of the situation that you are in. Especially if your mother in law has elder Muslims over. The elders could perceive your mother in Law's son (your husband) to be married to someone who is not a proper lady in their eyes. To the elders, this looks bad on your husband which makes the mother appear as if she did not do her job in raising a good son.

I know that it sounds cruel and backwards but that is the culture. The question you have to ask yourself is: Do you want there to be peace between your mother and Law and yourself? Which means act one way when around your Mother in Law and then be yourself when she is not around.

It is a matter of changing etiquette to suit the situation. Changing etiquette does not necessarily mean changing yourself.

Answer 5

God in the Qur'an insructed muslims to respect and give honour to others especially our parents..Your would be mother in law she will be your mother too.in the future..Her frowning do not be retaliated.You must be a nice would be her daughter in law whatever her attitude. is..If your would be mother in law did not like your leaning on the shoulder of your bf,you must adapt this attutude to her.She did not cover her head with hijab I think it is OK if she was in her house.But if she went out without hijab she was not a good muslim woman.But you could not give a critic or suggestion to her.It is better if her son tell it to her .She wears american clothes maybe it is difficult for her to find muslim woman clothes there. or she is influenced by unfit american tradition. for muslim woman..You must keep a nice and beautiful muslim woman with hijab if you are going out so your would be mother in law know you that you are a better muslim woman than herself.

Answer 6

In the Muslim culture like many you marry him your marry his family. Her actions are very important to you so you have 2 choices either ask her what the dirty looks are all about and look to iron out your differences or end it with him and tell him why.

Answer 7

that has nothing to do with her being a muslim.don't say u think all muslim mother in laws r like this.any way if u r not yet married u shouldn't touch him in any way acording to islam.but i don't think that woman really cares about islamic rules at all

Answer 8

She probably really doesn't care but she doesn't want to be embarrassed in front of the others. Seems like she is more concerned with what people think of her and her family than anything...

Answer 9

i think she is jealous of you .tell her uncovered muslim according to koran goes to hell what are you doing for.
any way this is normal with mother in law
do good to her and make her ashamed
if you want to be relaxe dont thing what people think they have a lot of problem of threir own.
best wish for you

Answer 10

Be careful if you are not a Muslim girl she may be putting up a front for her son.