would i be going from the frying pan to the fire??

Question

ok,im really torn,i have a baby and am living with an abusive husband(hes not abusive to the baby)
hes also not been ''physically'' abusive since she was born

we are very isolated,no friends,family
I know if i dont get out of this soon..idk..i have no quality of life

I know this is not good for the baby,but my only option is to go to a shelter,is that selfish of me?? because,the baby will lose all her toys,and the compforts of a home?
ive heard bad thinhs about shelters and im not sure,if i go

will i be jumping from the frying pan to the fire?
and since hes no longer physically abusive,am i being selfish to put my baby through all this,just becaue i want a better life?

im afraid of the shelters,im also afraid i can no longer survive mentally living with my husband??

btw..he will never change,or go to a counseler or anything like that..I know this cos its been 10 years!!

btw.hes all the family ive ever had(thats one of the reasons i never left earlier)

NO its not just the toys
im worried about the safety of the shelter!!
and like another poster said
what to do after,no i dont have a car or money or a job or anything at all!!

Answer 1

While I cannot counsel you to stay in an abusive relationship, I would like to offer my own testimony as a possible alternative.

http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-BYLCI14waatRCG7bDVrLiy2aIuzT?tag=why_i_believe

It's quite long, but I will say that I know EXACTLY what you're going through because I've been there myself.
If you are in danger, MOVE OUT of the situation, but if you love your husband, don't divorce, give him time and prayer.
Please feel free to email me if you have any questions or would like to talk.

Answer 2

1. He IS abusive to the baby simply by the fact of being abusive to you. You say he hasn't been physically abusive since the baby was born. I assume that means he was abusive during your pregnancy, which would mean he was abusive to the baby. Besides, mental abuse is far more damaging than physical abuse, which I'm sure you know. Those bruises will heal, but the words stay in your memory forever.

2. I've been in shelters before. 3 of them, in fact. Some are great, some aren't so great. But guaranteed, they are better than HIM. If you don't like the shelter in, most likely the staff will help you move to another shelter. I worked at a battered women's shelter for about a year, and we had a listing of all shelters in the USA. Most, if not all, shelters should have one of those. You're not looking to move into the shelter. It's just a temporary place to stay to get you on your feet. You don't have to be comfortable there...just look at it as a temporary respite while you catch your breath and make a plan.

3. YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT BEING SELFISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your baby deserves a better life just as much as you do. I left an abusive husband, and it was the absolute best thing I ever did. When people asked me my marital status, I said I was "happily divorced".

4. Once you have taken care of yourself for awhile, and gotten back on your feet, I can almost guarantee you will find your own chosen family. I did.

5. Email me if you'd like. I might be able to help you put together a safety plan, or answer questions. I'm far from perfect, but I've been there. I wish you luck!

Answer 3

You've gotten some great answers so far I'll just add maybe just turn down the heat a bit. The greese is catching fire because it's too hot. You can't let it get to hot before you put anything into the pan. Don't put your heat level on high when you are frying . I almost burned down my kitchen trying to fry some chicken.

Answer 4

First,

I will pray for you and your situation because my God can handle it.

Second, do not underestimate your God given abilities to make a new life for you and your little one. Mothers are the best of God's creation. There is a reason he stopped after Eve.

What ever you do (and this is easy for me to say) don't make your decisions based on fear.

You have a right to live in safety and peace. It may mean taking a huge chance but no person deserves to be abused under any circumstances.

I know there are resources to help you and I also know that either choice is dangerous.

Here is something you may or may not have considered, if your baby girl watches him abuse you, guess what kind of a man she will seek. If you guys have a boy later, and he watches his father abuse you, guess what he will do to the women in his life.

Break the chain is my opinion.

Answer 5

You need to get out if you are in an abusive relationship. Why don't you call a shelter and ask them what they can help you with. Most will offer you a lot more than just a place to sleep. i.e. they are likely to help you find work and a permanant home.

You are not being selfish to get out of an abusive home. It is a huge and scary step but it is the right one.

Answer 6

I'd advise getting away from the man, there's no place in a family for abuse of any kind, if he's unwilling to seek help, then it's up to you to do so, for yourself and the good of the child....

Answer 7

Find a counselor at a women's shelter. You already know the right answer but they can help ease your mind about it and provide the necessary support.

Answer 8

I was in an abusive relationship with my first marriage, and then I got serious with God and he got serious with me!!! To make a long story short I am now remarried to a man who loves my first child, and we have two more children and we love them all the same. I have been married to this man for fourteen years and it just keeps getting better and better. God has a soul mate for u just trust in him, your heart and soul will lead u. Just trust in God!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 9

It's not selfish of you. You need to put the baby and yourself first.

Answer 10

Babies don't really care about toys and comforts anyway. All they need is someone who loves them to take care of them. If that's all that's holding you back, leave.