Should I spend Christmas with a dying dad or supportive family?

Question

My father was never involved at all. My parents were teenagers and went separate ways. He treated her bad, was hooked on drugs, and he robbed her parent's house. Im 20 now and recently found him and he wants a relationship. We have been getting to know eachother for 7 months now. He is also dying from primary pulmonary hypertension and basically his body is shutting down on him. He is in the hospital right now and is hoping to be out soon. The problem is that this will be my first and possibly last christmas with him, but my mom has me feeling so guilty about talking to him i can't even explain it to her. I have a close family and Christmas is special to us. But should i spend this time with my birthfather instead of the family who HAS been there for me the past 20 years?? Please someone help me...I need mature, adult advice...

Answer 1

Spend it with your father. You will never have that moment again; and the fact that you are even questioning it means that your spirit is convicted about the matter. He his definitely paying for all of his past mistakes and does not need that thrown at him right now. The Bible says God is our final judge. We are to live as Jesus did on earth. It is not easy but we have to do it. If you don't go and he passes, you will regret it and possibly even resent your family for choosing for you. I say go and deal with the healthy and living later. They have suffered some crazy things by your father's hand, but who are we to judge? I am not just talking, I have lived this. How can people hold the thought of Christmas so dear to them and miss what the day is truly all about? The birth of Jesus Christ himself and all that he represented......he died for ALL of us; no matter what we have done or may do. Are we above Him? sorry if I sound like I am preaching.....I am just so serious. This is how I had to live through my very similar situation. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 2

With hesitation or a second thought I think you should spend this last Christmas with your dying dad. If you feel in you heart that this is something you want than by all means listen to your heart or you will always wonder if you did the right thing. Don't feel guilty if you spend it with him because of mom. It is impossible for you to feel the same as her and she should understand that. I had much the same situation between my parents. They have both passed. You'll never have this chance again to say hello and good bye. Saying that last good bye is very important for YOU. It does not mean you condone what he did to your mother and you. It's YOUR closure which you never had a chance to do and you need to do this for your piece of mind. Maybe she'll understand if you explain it like that. Other wise you may end up resenting your mom and up sit with yourself for not doing what you feel is right. I lost my Father, Mother, Sister and Brother all with in months of each other. I certainly do understand. If you want to be with dad because it is important to YOU, then do it no matter what. Thank God you'll get to spend many more Christmases with mom and family. I'm now 50 years old and didn't get to say good bye to my father.

Answer 3

I was in a similar situation for a few years - I wanted to have a nice quiet Christmas at home for "us" but my wife wanted to be around her family and all the craziness there. As much as it stinks, I think the best thing you can do is express your feelings to your husband, tell him that you are uncomfortable there and what your preferences are, and then be the bigger person and go anyway and make the most of it. Try to do it with a cheery heart and don't keep bringing up how miserable you are. Hopefully, he will appreciate the sacrifice that you're making for him and he will realize how much you love him and that you're putting his desires above your own. Eventually maybe he'll want to do the same for you (put your needs above his for a change). - - - It probably won't happen overnight though.

Answer 4

IF i were you i would spend the christmas w/ your father. My father passed away a couple of years ago and i barely got to spend time with him. If he can't make it at least someone close to him was right beside him. If you don't then you might feel guilty for the rest of your life. A person only has one life to live and your father might not see you accomplish things he wants to see. Do yourself and him a favor and spend the Christmas with him. I think if your family is supportive than they will let you.

Answer 5

well i think that you can spend some time there with family and spend evening with your dad. well its sad and i am not that forgiving either. but heck he did what he did and hes stuck with it. there is no right or wrong. its your mom wrong for making you feel guilty. i mean hey he is family to hes dying and you know it. he will be gone and lost to you forever and therefore a few hours of your time is ok. you know he did what he did cause he couldn't stop that is what it is. if you have ever had dealing with drinking people then you will know. drugs also there are some people that can't stop even if they would like to. they are hostage to this stuff. so you didn't have to deal with him when he was really bad lucky for you but hes your dad and i say spend some time with him split the day up and go. take care and have a good day and tell your mom shame on you. take care.

Answer 6

You might regret it if you do not spend Christmas with your father. Since you are getting to know him and he is dying you should spend as much time as possible with him if that is what you want. Tell your mother to lay off. She does not have to understand. You have a right to know your father. It took you a long time to find him and now he is going to be gone. You can still celebrate the holidays with your family. Do not let anyone quilt you into doing what they want you to do. You have to put your foot down or this will continue for life. Decide what you want and tell them that is what you are going to do. Tell them that it is not open for discussion. You are going to do many things in life that others are not going to agree with and they will try to give you a hard time. Do not let them. You need to be true to yourself and do what is best for you. No one will make sure that you are happy if you do not do it yourself. Only you can say what that is. Regret is hard to live with and cannot be fixed later. Good luck to you.

Answer 7

Honestly if I was in the position (and I do have an estranged relationship with my birth father) I'd have to say I'd spend it with him. Death is a finality. You can't go back and change your mind if you regret it later. My family also does not support my trying to build a relationship with my father. He was horribly abusive to them. He has changed in his old age though. If in that situation I would tell my mother how I was feeling. I have told her I feel disloyal to her for building a relationship with him and I know she'd be upset if I chose to spend the holidays with him but I would explain that being his last it would be important to me to be there with him. Good or bad I couldn't imagine one of my parents spending the holiday in a hospital, dying, and alone.
I hope whatever your decision you find peace in knowing it was what was best for you and what you felt was right. Do what's in your heart and just let the others deal with it. Best of luck.

Answer 8

I would spend it with your dad. This is just my opinion and obviously no better than anyone else's, but this could be the last Christmas you can spend with him ever. Do you want to miss out on that chance? I know it hurts to do this to the family members who've been there for you the whole time, but you can spend every day with them and if they're supportive eventually they'll come to understand the way you feel. Hope it all works out! Goodluck.

Answer 9

Think of it this way - regardless of what your mother and siblings have done for you - he's still your dad. If you don't do what your heart tells you to do - would you feel bad if he suddenly dies and you're not there and there's no closure to all the hurts he's done unto you and the rest of the family? Hanging on to old grudges no matter how hurtful they were is not going to affect your dad anymore but it will affect your life for a long time. Do what you think is right and just tell your supportive family that there's a time for anger and a time for forgiveness - no matter how awful your father was, everyone needs to be forgiven and you need to forgive in order to move on. Its the right thing to do.

Answer 10

You will never get another chance to spend X-Mas with your dad if this is his last. You however still have your supportive family to support you still and many more christmases to spend with them. Don't let your mom or family make you feel guilty about what happened between them or because he was never there to support you. Its not your fault, your parents made their individual choices to do what they did. If they hate each other, don't take sides. Just do whats best for you. Make your own choices because you will live by your choices in the future. Forgiveness is what you have a chance to show your dad even though he was never in your life. We all do things we sometimes regret. Nobody is perfect. And sometimes all we want is the chance to take it all back and start afresh..since we don't always get that, we seek forgiveness for the bad we've done to others. Maybe your dad wants this chance to seek your forgiveness. Its up to you though..the choice is yours. I pray that whatever choice you make you will find peace with yourself. Peace be with you and have a Merry X-Mas.