He's amazing, but he has a temper and screws up a lot. Is staying with him worth it?

Question

If I'm upset about something, no matter how gently I bring it up to him, he usually gets angry/defensive and yells at me and then ends up apologizing like crazy. We've established repeatedly that we're supposed to talk it out. No fighting/yelling. So he's promised to do better. But we still fight every week! Sometimes every few days or every other day. I often end up crying because I hate it when he yells at me. Every time, he genuinely apologizes and promises, "I'll do better next time." But next time, yelling happens again. This has happened for months. The past two fights, I almost left. I got driven to that point. He just asked for another chance, which he'll be given. We've been together for ~2 yrs now. Generally, he's an amazing guy. He cares, he's loyal & trustworthy, he does his best to be there for me, he goes out of his way for me, etc. He wants me to stay. I don't want to leave him. But he's driving me away. Is waiting for him to come around worth it? Should I stay patient?

Regarding the ADD thing... actually, he's actually asked me once if I think he has it. He's very distracted way too easily sometimes. Maybe that could be it?

He also has a temper that he lets out with his family too, not just me. He said before that he gets tempramental with people he cares about the most. Plus he's told me that it runs in his family, which I do sometimes notice. So I don't think it's one of those "he's not that into you" situations, because he shows that he cares in so many other ways. He's not as bad as I make him sound. We have a LOT of good times together, and we make each other very happy whenever we're not fighting.

Don't worry. He's never hit me, nor has he ever shown sign of wanting to hit me.

The first time I almost left, he panicked and just held me and apologized like crazy...

And I have already given him a warning after our last fight. "I almost left twice in a row now. Don't let there be a third one." And he just said, "I won't disappoint you... but you don't have to believe me now. Believe me when you see it happen."

His family is stable. They're very close.

Answer 1

Oh wow, I know exactly what you're talking about. He sounds very similar to my boyfriend of 2 years.

My boyfriend and I took a 3 month break and just got back together last month. We weren't sure if we were still together out of habit, or if we were really right for each other, but that doesn't have to be the same case for you.

Trust me... if you wait around, he's not going to change. Something has to happen. Remember that fighting takes two people. You both have agreed to talk it out, but you are both breaking your promises.

Unfortunately you can only control your own behavior, and not his. The next time you feel things starting to heat up, don't instigate it. Control yourself! Tell him calmly, and not in a bitter way, "honey, I love you, but I need to take a moment to chill out", and physically seperate yourself from him by going into another room or out for a walk. Refuse to raise your voice, and refuse to let him raise his voice to you. If he begins to yell, say "I realize that this is a touchy/sore subject. I care about your point of view and what you have to say, but I need to take some time to calm down before I can hear and understand what you have to say."

Saying anything beginning with "you..!" will only put him on the defense. Focus on explaining things in terms of your own actions, thoughts and feelings.

When you do start a discussion, try to actually listen to his point of view instead of just waiting for him to finish talking so you can get your point across. It sounds cheesy, but if you're fighting over something relatively important, you can both write down on paper the points you want to get across.

It can definitely work, but it'll take patience and practice, especially since you've already established the cycle. Don't feel upset because you're going to be having to do more work in the beginning to control yourself. He'll follow your cue. You're doing it for the both of you.

Answer 2

well figure out what his deal is. he might be going through something that no one else knows about. but if hes always been liek this with the fighting and all through the whole 2 year relationship then i say leave him. if not give him a chance. Im in a relationship, where he gets upset everyday if not every other day and apologizes like crazy.but i found out it was because he was going through a hard time, and now that hes told me what the matter is, he hasnt gotten mad at all, i just help him. and he is the sweetest thing in the world. i know people say, if guys yell or something, just leave and move on. but if you love the person and he isnt physically hurting you or something and this is not his usual personality, i say find out what the problem is. if you cant, then move on, even if it will be hard to do so.because in the end you need to look out for your self, your own happiness.

Answer 3

Seriously evaluate whether or not this is abusive behavior. Even if he's not physically hurting you, verbal abuse is very real, and should not be taken lightly. But if you just think he has a temper, there is a chance for you two to work things out. If his anger is out of control and it's causing too much tension, maybe he needs to get some help with it. If you both really want this relationship to work, that's not too much for you to ask of him. Finally, don't blame yourself. There is a big difference between being patient and allowing someone to walk all over you.

Answer 4

Sounds exactly like a situation I was in. Honestly, there was once a fight where he thought he really was going to loose me. And after apologizing for everything I told him he did wrong, we were ok and still are. Its been a few months. Remember, couples stay together for two reasons; the amount of good moments they share and how they share them and how the resolve conflicts. When in a fight, its better to use "I" language (as in "I feel that you are lazy" instead of "You are lazy") Good luck.

Answer 5

Only you and you alone can figure out if he is worth stickin around for, but i have a similar problem and i only stay because he is actually trying, i got him to start seeing a councilor about this, if he wants me to stay he had to. Also do a pro's &Con's list for your own peace of mind is he really that great, aside from the anger?
So ask him to do something about it FOR you, see a councilor, if he doesnt it is clear he dont care too much about you only himself, perhaps he will realize if you give him a push or a scare. Good luck

Answer 6

Don't like the sound of this volatile guy. Hope he has never hit you or anything or looked likely to??? If you intend to stay in this relationship you should insist on both of you seeing a Counsellor to get to the bottom of the problems. Something's eating at him. You need to find out what. Maybe he comes from an unstable family. If you're ending up in tears it doesn't sound to me like he is caring towards you at all. I imagine if you married him it would only get worse.

Answer 7

I would say 2 years is patient enough.Doesn't seem like he can stop his anger no matter how many times he tells you.As long as you continue to accept it he will keep doing it.Mabe if you tell him he has no more chances ,that you are leaving him until he can get some counseling for his anger.Let him know you love him but this is going to drive a wedge between you unless something is done to fix it.

Answer 8

Fighting like that isn't healthy in any relationship, but if that's the only problem and you both truley have feelings about eachother you need to lay down the line. Say I hate us fighting and I can't take it anymore, if this keeps going on I'm going to have to leave. Good Luck with your relationship and I hope things get better.

Answer 9

think of of why you do no longer "love" your better half anymore. What makes you think of you in no way enjoyed that individual? curiously you cared for them simply by fact which you stayed with them lengthy adequate to get married yet ask your self in case you're IN love with them. If no longer then why? Make a itemizing of the flaws you experience like are lacking out of your courting. Is it compassion and convenience? Then those would properly be labored on. perhaps you're dealing with what I call a "dry spell" in a courting and don't venture, virtually each and every person does this. individuals that are at the same time for for this reason long on occasion get to a factor the place they think of they do no longer want the different individual or they do no longer love the different individual. i've got performed this formerly and that i'm no longer afraid to confess it simply by fact human beings have too! instances like those make you savor your better half. What you're able to do is take an afternoon without work for basically "you time." pass do the flaws you prefer to do. (proceed to be devoted of direction.. I basically recommend pass out and luxuriate on your pastimes.) whilst your lengthy gone, attempt to ask your self questions like "Am I lacking my better half good now?", "could I take exhilaration in this better in the event that they have been here with me?" It sounds stupid yet attempt it. it'd artwork.. =)

Answer 10

i know people who are like this. they generally have a big ego... next time when ur talking it out, make sure u let him know that ur for real - that its the last time u'll put up with this. i know this may sound weird, but approach him in a calm and silent manner. then tell him as ur hugging him, whats on ur mind, w/ the least amount of words possible. then let it sink in... and say no more

that shoudl do it