Embaressed by death?

Question

Have a question regarding a strange situation. A young woman in her late 20's/early 30's dies suddenly in a car accident. There is no obituatry in ANY of the papers (and this happened in the largest city in the USA) and her father does not contact all the friends in her mobile phone until 2 days after she was buried. (some were contacted in time to go to viewing and funeral but most of us didn't know she passed away until after she was already buried.) The father refused to give his address so we could send flowers saying "we don't want any flowers". 1 year later - there still is no headstone for her - and she's buried in a family plot where there is already a stone with the family name & the names of other relatives buried there. Why would her parent's being so "secretive" about her death? Not even a marker or adding her name to the family headstone after a year? No obituary? Not calling her friends until after she's buried? Why would someone do that? Help me understand.

Here death is a bit mysterious as to "what really happened". ("Was it suicide" or "was it an accident?" etc...) But still.... she was in her late 20's/early 30's - and they purposely NOT put ANYTHING in the death notices section? If you aren't going to have the chance to notify everyone in her mobile phone (and we wouldn't be in her phone if were weren't important to HER) shouldn't you put a death notice in the paper? Didn't this woman deserve an obituary - telling the world of her accomplishments? Oh - the family is CATHOLIC - and they buried her 48 hours after she died - why the rush?!?!?! Why are they so secretive about the fact that she died? The thing I don't understand the most is the fact that 1 year later - there is NOTHING at the cemetery for her - it's like she just "disappeared" off the face of the earth rather than died. We're certain these weren't HER wishes - she was too young to pre-plan her own funeral.

Re: Did she get along with her parents: according to her it "no". However, I think she was in the process of "healing past wounds" with her parents right before she died - but, still - I think her parents could have handled this better - I know they are her next of kin, but they way they buried her so quick - didn't contact her friends right away, no obiturary, no headstone a year later, seems so strange? I guess I don't know how to say this diplomatically, so I'm just going to say it: It seems like they just "disposed of her" as quickly and easily as possible. 48 hours - that's not even enough time for people to take off from work and travel to the viewing and funeral. I've never heard of such a thing with a young person. That's why I'm so confused. And - it's not like it was for religious reasons - Catholics take the longest to bury their loved ones. and Usually have more than 1 viewing.

Re: If she committed suicide, but she's buried in a Catholic cemetery - but.... do you think that her parents know for certain that it WAS suicide and that's why they've been so low-key with this?

Re: Parents don't write the obiturary.
I'm aware of that - I thought it was the FUNERAL HOME'S job to do that. I thought, when you come in, you have an interview with the Funeral Directors, tell them about the person, what they were like, give them a picture so the mortician can make them look as close to what they looked like in life, discuss what kind of arrangements, casket, photos on display, how many viewings, etc... That's why I thought it was strange - because when they went to the funeral home, the must have said: "We don't want an obituary". They also must have said: "How soon can you take care of this?". I can't get over - 48 hours after she's pronounced dead at the hospital - they got her to a funeral home, picked out an outfit for her to wear, had her embalmed, and prepared for a viewing, had 1 viewing, a funeral, and buried her. Its like: Wednesday evening - she was as alive as you and me, then she's gets hit by 2 cars and by 11am Saturday she's buried forever!

To MINDBENDER: Wow! I that explains alot. Under those circumstances - the funeral home only had her for 24 hours before the viewing and funeral - if they couldn't restore the body (I don't have the heart to ask if it was a closed casket or not) does that mean she wasn't embalmed? When I went to the cemetary - they had 3 plots that were open, waiting for someone to be buried. When I saw the 10 foot pile of dirt on the side of the open grave- it made me cry to think she's buried under what looks like 1 or 2 tons of dirt. When I stood at her grave (with no mention of her on the family headstone) all these questions raced through my head. But I saw flowers her parents left that said: "beloved daughter". Her parents must have left those on the 1 year anniversary. That's why I'm so confused about the headstone. I guess I'm still in denial after a year - I still worry about what's happening to her even though she's gone and I need answers so I can accept this and deal with it. Thanks!

Answer 1

huh, is this real? and what are u getting at? i can't think of a reason but mayb they killed her!

Answer 2

**** REWRITE *****

I actually spoke to a funeral director about this situation and not surprisingly, was told that it is in fact absolutely normal.

First, a funeral home only provides an obituary (and then only a minimal one) if positively requested by the family. It is part of the very difficult paperwork filled in by a family member. Sometimes it is not requested because they have other plans (they will be providing one themself), sometimes it is just overlooked (the box not checked) and the funeral home will not question it, sometimes in cases such as this, while being forced to handle affairs, there is still a sense of denial in the family and an obituary conflicts with this emotion.

But the quick burial is quite common in these circumstances. What delays most burials (besides possible family desires for a public service) is that unless a person dies in the hospital under the care of a physician, there is a coroner's inquest. Sometimes an autopsy. This can take time. However, in the case of a car accident fatality, such an inquest would be limited to 1) Was the person alive at the time of the accident and 2) Positive identification of the body. The latter is the most difficult as this falls to a member of the family - likely a parent in this case. Also, the acquisition of a burial plot is a delay - unless, as seems to be the case here, such a spot is already available.

In the case of a car accident, sadly, the victim's body is often in a very destroyed state. The positive identification process can be devastating. Seeing your son or daughter "like that". Unfortunately, in these cases as well, there is nothing a funeral home can do to restore the body to anything that would be close to acceptable. It just isn't possible. It is very common in these cases to have a fast burial. It helps the family "forget" their last view of their child (in the post-accident state) and get back more quickly to rembering their child as they want to remember them - handsom, beautiful, the way THEIR child looked.

But really, the gist of what the funeral director said was that especially in the case of a car fatality, where the family already had a plot, and more certainly when the child was no longer at home and a daily part of their life, a quick burial is very common. Unless experienced, one cannot imagine what a victim of a car fatality can look like. To see a child this way, on top of the natural devastation of losing a child for any reason, just destroys a parent. Truly destroys them. They honestly just want to get through this and hopefully be able to remember their child as they want to remember them.

Answer 3

You have two things going... one, the death itself was traumatic. 2nd, it seems VERY likely that the family was not on good terms, and no one can be sure of what that reason was. Just as an example, perhaps the family was very rigid, and they felt the daughters friends did not meet their standards.. perhaps they may even have believed (right or wrong) that the friends might have contributed to family disagreements, etc.
I think the bottom line is that few of us on the outside can EVER be sure that we know the dynamics of a family. There are many families that appear (to outsiders) to be loving and "normal" (for lack of a better word). I can personally testify on that, but it moves away from what you are asking. Nor can many of us predict how a parent reacts or grieves when losing a child.
I am sorry for your confusion, which I can see, adds to the sense of loss. It doesn't fit what most of us would consider socially standard.. but it is also sometimes beyond our ability to predict or comprehend. IF you happen to know any of her relatives outside the immediate family, perhaps you could DISCREETLY mention your confusion, and sadness that you could not pay respects as you would have liked.
I don't know how or why... but I certainly hope that the parents are able to find peace concerning this.

Answer 4

ever think about the cost? my dad passed away a little over a year ago it was very costly, even going as cheap as possible.
many of the other answers are very good. and if the fact there is no headstone bothers u all that much you can always buy her one, and write an obituary for her yourself. death is never easy for anyone.

Answer 5

Are her grandparents or any aunts and uncles of hers nearby that you can talk to about this?? People grieve in different ways, but this sounds a bit too much for me. Her parents sound more like Muslims than Catholics (Muslims usually bury their dead within 24 hours) to me. Anyway--back to the aunts, uncles, etc--you might ask them if they are on good terms with the girl's parents, would they mind if you and her other friends chipped in and bought her a tombstone (if only to bring closure to you). But, have them ask the parents first. If that doesn't work, remember your friend each year by releasing balloons in the air (like those mylar type that don't break so easily and that have messages on them like "Missing you"), or having a party in her memory (doing things she liked to do, for instance).
I had a similar thing happen to me back in 1998. I knew my friend hadn't been feeling well, but I NEVER in a million years expected to get a phone call 8 DAYS after she'd died from one of her brothers telling me what had happened--she was having a liver transplant (which she survived), but died from excess water on the brain 3 days before Christmas. To top it off, they cremated her (which,to me, your soul goes to hell if you have it done), so I had no way to go visit her grave and tell her good-bye. I couldn't even get one of those little memorial folders they pass out at funerals to remember her by. If her brother hadn't come across my phone number in her address book, I'd never have been called about it. I tell you what, if 2 straight women could have women soul-mates, that is what we were to each other. It's like we could read each others mind sometimes, and we KNEW when the other one of us was ill.
There IS a marker where she's buried--cemeteries put these little tiny things in the ground so they will know someone is buried in that particular plot. All you'd be able to read are her name, age, and death date. I have a story about this, too. After my grandparents died in 1991, my Mother and I went to the cemetery where they were buried on the following Memorial Day, and I noticed this tiny marker sticking up out of the ground that had been there for almost SEVEN years. At first I didn't think anything about it, but after another 3 years had gone by I was beginning to notice there were NEVER any flowers on her grave, so my cousin and I "adopted" it. We began leaving flowers--even one seemed to help out--there. Well, one year I decided I'd had enough of it, so I practically stood on my head to read this tiny marker (now almost unreadable) to find out who was buried there. I found out it was a lady who'd lived almost 90 years and left all her money to a niece on one stipulation--that she buy a stone with part of the inheritance. The niece did--the type of stone you wear on your finger. Hearing that, I nearly blew my stack--I wrote to the records keeper of the cemetery and said if a tombstone was not at this lady's grave by the following year, that I was going to buy one for her. My letter was shown to the niece and it must have embarrassed her, because a tombstone was at her aunt's grave the next year. I still leave flowers there, too.
Back to your friend--maybe one of the other YA members was right. It could have been an "arranged" accident that the parents were part of, and their guilt is eating at them now. If so, their time will come when they have to meet their Maker and atone for any sins they committed.

Answer 6

If her mother and father are her next of kin, then it's really up to them. Remember no matter what the circumstances of her death, they have their own way to deal with it. It may not be the best way, but to each his own. Why don't you and her friends get together and make your own tribute to her. Post a memoir poem about her in the obit. and I don't know much about your town, but in mine you can buy benches and have a marker put on them.

Answer 7

There would be a record at the police department if there was truly a car accident. Maybe you should hire a private investigator.

But since they are Catholic, I bet she committed suicide. That would be the reason for being secretive since it is a mortal sin.

Answer 8

did she get along with her parents? did she ever talk about them? maybe she and her parents were estranged and maybe they didnt feel like she deserved the things that u mentioned. its hard to say without knowing them. or maybe theyre just so hurt they want to forget things they should do so it feels like it never had happened.