I started seeing a guy 4 months ago he chased me down asking me on dates for months. He was married before and has been divorced 18 months, they were only together for about a year. She initiated the divorce & totally destroyed him, I was there when he came back home with nothing, I saw the pain he went through. We kept the relationship fairly quiet as neither of us knew what to expect & didnt want to have to explain to everyone if it all went wrong, 2 days ago he said he was too scared to move to the next level, too afraid of being hurt again, he said he would rather be alone forever than go through that again. I said we could take it as slowly as he wanted, he said he couldnt give me 100% and that was not fair on me, then he told me how much he would miss me and how sorry he was that it had to be this way, he thought he was ready but not just yet, its still too raw, I am not going to wait for him as that could mean forever, what do I do to make him see he is still letting her win?
2007-12-09 11:07:35 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
I was in a similar situation (ie: too scared to go on a date with him) until one of my friends made me realise that he was not my ex (who I caught cheating), I know we will see each other regularly as he is a family friend, I am scared that it will be weird now as he is already sending mixed messages, ie: I will miss you, I love spending time with you, but then telling me he is not ready, should I just move on or give him a little space and see what happens?
2007-12-09 11:12:11 · update #1
I know there is not someone else involved, and he has no contact with his ex wife whatsoever, he is best friends with my brother and would not **** around with their friendship like that.
2007-12-09 11:44:09 · update #2
You need to analyze your relationship and question whether or not it's actually a valid relationship to you both, not just to you. I have been through a divorce and no matter how painful or one-sided it was, the fault is still felt internally. He's still in alot of pain and if he needs time to lick his wounds, give him that time-he will despise you for holding him away ffrom that later. If his love for you is as deep as your love for him, he will be back and things will be off and running.
Realize that he was married to her-he will NEVER be able to disconnect from her!
If you love him, set him free...
2007-12-09 11:16:59 · answer #1 · answered by cwgrrl7 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like he went through a painful divorce with someone that he really loved and most likely he probably still has feelings for her if he is acting this way. Don't wait on him, it will just be filled with drama. He's right, he can't give 100% of himself to anyone right now because he has to heal... You guys hit it off at a bad time. Wrong place wrong time... Just move on and start dating other people. If he really cares about you or if there could be something more there, he will come crawling back to you begging at your feet telling you how sorry he is and that he is now ready to give 100% of himself to you. But until then don't let him control your life. Keep on living and let him heal. If it is meant to be it will be. He is still letting her win, but you have to understand his feelings at this time. He is hurting very badly. Sometimes you lose control when this happens and you have to let that person win for a while because your heart is broken. But in the mean time, the best advice for you would to be not to let him win in this triangle.
2007-12-09 11:14:23 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
If you were fishing and you pulled up your favoriet fish. Looked it in the eye and said "Wow, I'm going really enjoy a fish steak tonight!" Then you looked the the sides and bottom and found somekind of grey liquid ozzing from it. And even though this is the only fish you caught and it was time to go home, wouldn't it make you feel bad to throw the fish back into the water? "No fish meal tonight "cry" "sob". But you would throw it back and think "There's more where that came from". Maybe next fish day I'll l get just what I want!!
2007-12-09 11:24:06 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Wow thats tough , you may want to keep it in the friend zone if he really means alot to you but only the two of you can really come up with a solution. Your relationship is still very new. I spent ten years in a misserable relationship unmarried and with two kids , and six months after I left he married someone from high school that he had only been friends with. So you never know whats ahead of you . Take into consideration that his feelings are in it too not just yours, and actually if you are unsure he offered you a chance to take time for yourself
2007-12-09 11:15:46 · answer #4 · answered by photogirl_freewaydriver 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It's not a matter of letting her win (the x). He is telling you straight up what he is feeling and what he can give at this time, maybe he saw that he was falling for you and backed off when he realized it. Give him space (as hard as this is) but you will see that he'll come around if it was meant to be. Then on the other hand he could just be telling you this cause he lost interest (and no one likes that) but you have to consider all angles of the situation then come to a decision depending on your patients.
I wish you luck
2007-12-09 11:13:58 · answer #5 · answered by Bandrea 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
There is nothing you can do about it. I dated a woman for 3 years, we had talked about marriage, but eventually she ended it. I had a lot of friends try to help me get over her quickly, but it was something that I had to just work through on my own.
Give him time, it does sound like he cares about you, but if he isn't ready to have a serious relationship yet there's not much you can do. Just continue to be supportive and he may come around.
I am glad that you're not planning on waiting for him, if he decides he's ready to date again and you are single, great, other wise he missed his chance.
Good luck, sorry I couldn't be more helpful!
2007-12-09 11:18:40 · answer #6 · answered by tboneund 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It`s not a question of her winning the damage is done he has just had his confidence knocked but he will bounce back ..
Just give him a little time if you still feel like there is no progress then it`s time to move on ..good luck
2007-12-09 11:13:33 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
I have to be blunt here. And I apoligize in advance, but You can't do anything. He's still either hooked on her, or wanting to play the field a while because he isn't tied down anymore. The only thing you can do is move on.
2007-12-09 11:11:52 · answer #8 · answered by fiestyredhead 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
If he's not emotionally ready yet, don't push him. Just be there for him. You have to decide if you want to wait. Some wounds are really deep. I'll keep my fingers crossed for ya.
2007-12-09 11:12:41 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
There is really not much YOU can do. He needs to see a therapist to help him work through these feelings.
No one can give 100% of themselves to anything, not for a long period of time anyway. There is always something else that will demand their attention no matter what.
2007-12-09 11:11:52 · answer #10 · answered by william c 3 · 0⤊ 3⤋