What should I do about my mother in law?

Question

I've been married to my hasband for 3 years, and my mother in law lives only 500m away on our farm.. Everytime I get a visitor she comes up, makes herself at home and doesnt leave till my friend does.. I have had issues with her being interfering, such as not knocking (just appearing in my lounge room), never asks if she can visit just turns up and almost barges in.. She gets the "father-in-law" on to me (because i respect him) she has him say things like stop playing games and just do what she says because its eaiser...Its like she can't take the word NO and if i say No like to dinner or something she annoys me and my hubby till she gets the answer she whats YES..I dont want to just roll over and I want respect from her..quite frankly im at the end with her and have given up trying to have any sort of wonderful relationship because she abuses the trust (she tells everyone what i tell her to!!) So for my husbands sake what do you think i could do as shes very intimidating..thanks

Answer 1

I think that your husband should have to deal with her because she is his mother. She would probably respect his wishes more than she would yours, and you could promise her like one dinner a week or something as long as she butts out for the rest of the time. She needs to get a hobby.

Answer 2

I think you realistically need to see where this is headed. I don't know if you have any kids or not. If you don't now, think about when you do. Think about when your trying to get to know your newborn, think about when you make a few mistakes with your kids, or when you want to deal with a situation your way when you catch your teenager drinking. Will this woman end up breaking you and your spirit? It sounds like you honestly want everyone to get along but you cant make this happen, only your husband and your mother-in-law can work this out. If your husband doesn't take this more seriously, maybe he needs a taste of what is will be like if your not around, because in 10 years time you wont be, and by then he may be without his own children. It isn't your husbands fault your mother in law is like this. But it is his fault she is like this to you. My mum is hardly a problem at all compared to you mother in law, but she was causing a few problems so we moved. It was a big call but I will never regret it. She was just around the corner and now we live an hour away. The kids get to see her once a fortnight and i talk to her on the phone. My partner and I get along better than we ever did and the conversations are far more positive with my mum.

Answer 3

Set boundaries and enforce them. Make it clear no means no. She may try harder to change your mind but if you stick it out long enough she will realize you're not going to.
Make it clear your visitors are there to see you. If she drops by tell her you'll give her a call when your company leaves. Install a door knocker or doorbell. When she barges in just say, "I didn't realize the knocker/bell was broken. I'll have to get it fixed." It's rude for someone, even family, to barge in without knocking.
Do NOT confide in a MIL that you have ANY issues with. She will not only repeat what you say but use it against you in whatever way benefits her.
When the father in law tells you just go along with her just tell him, "No. I will not keep quiet to please her. Maybe if you all didn't let her treat you like this for so long she wouldn't expect everyone to lay down for her to walk all over them too". I actually did this with mine in a very respectful tone, and he laughed and said I was on to something. He too started standing up for himself. It didn't make much difference but he said it did feel better at least standing up for himself instead of being a door mat and just taking it.
She's going to treat you the way you let her. If she disrespects you make it clear you won't take it and maybe she should keep some distance from you until she learns how to respect your decisions and your right to an opinion. Best of luck!

Answer 4

I have a couple ideas for you, but for either you'd need your husband's cooperation.
One idea is to set up a schedule for when your mother-in-law can come over. You would have to invite her to dinner and talk to her about this. Tell her the plan, but at the same time assure her that you won't leave her out and that she is loved. Also let her know that you need your privacy and somewhat of your own life without her. Then if she shows up when it's not her scheduled night be firm with her like you would a child. Tell her you'll see her tomorrow or the next day. You might even have to remind her that you love her every time and then lock her out.
Another idea is to just meet people somewhere else. Leave the house. Kind of like sneak around and don't even let her know.
I doubt either idea is easy, but they're just ideas,
Good luck.

Answer 5

You need to have a good conversation with your husband, make sure the two of you are on board and then he needs to talk to his parents. He needs to inform his mother that she is to quit bullying you. When she comes over unannounced and you do not wish to see her, do not let her in, keep her at the door and tell her now is not a good time and that you have company, have a good day, and shut the door. Keep your doors locked. And get caller id if you don't already have it. You need to say no when you don't want to have supper and stick to it. After awhile she will settle down, but you'll have to go thru the rough stage of setting her straight. Or else, you can also move. Good luck.

Answer 6

There is nothing more annoying than just having people "drop by" without calling. You are just going to have to tell her that when your friends come over it's because you want to spend time with THEM and she'll have to visit later. You can be nice about it and still get your point across. You could even say something like, "sorry mom, there are some things we have to discuss which are private, see you later" You just have to make it clear you love her but are not going to put up with this invasion of your privacy. Sooner or later she'll get the picture. No screaming, crying, fighting, just be firm, and nice and she won't be able to fault you for anything. God Bless

Answer 7

This is about boundaries and DOMINANCE. I don't think these people want your respect, and don't care about vice-versa.
You need to learn how to gently get your MIL out of the house and make her call before coming over.
You need to tell your FIL that he is being manipulated into butting into your family's business by his wife, and it is creating dissention.
While escorting her to the door and putting her on the other side, say something like, "Hi Mom... hey, I will catch up to you later. We're gonna be a while."
Learn to use your door's locks and your answering machine.
Perhaps try planting a tall group of hedges or trees to impede your MIL's sight of your yard.
You need to get your husband on the same page for the sake of your marriage.... ideally you, your husband and your FIL need to sit down and have a talk about this issue once and for all.
Your next level bid for privacy will be to move.

Answer 8

I would speak to your husband and tell him if he doesn't handle it you will and then there will be tension between you and them that could last for years so he should be the one. YOU decide when you want to be hospitable , to whom and how many. It is very selfish to think of just popping in as an uninvited guest let alone your (invited) guests are there for quality time with you. I would wait till after the Holidays becasue you don't want to be guilted into thinking you ruined her holiday (she'll complain for years to come) Do it sooner than later so there isn't years of frusteratoin/resentment that will deter you from ever having a good relationship with the in-laws.Be strong if your hubby doesn't help. You control how much frusteration you have in your life..this is something you can control.***************************************************************HEY>>>just thought of something...take her on a trip to Mexico then steal her ID and come home leaving her there....what am saying...she'll probably just jump the border in a week and be back on your doorstep :(

Answer 9

The following works for me hope this helps.

1. Any invitation from my husbands family my response is I will check with him and we will let you know. My husband makes the phone call and responds yes or no. If he dose not call them back and I receive another call I give them his cell phone and tell them to call him. (this avoids stress and an argument as his family will not start up if he says no)

2. I do not tell my mother in law anything private, personal or anything that I do not want the world to know. This avoids me getting upset that she blabbed something I told her in confidence. (private conversations are to be shared with friends not in laws with big mouths)

3. Next time lock your door so no one can just walk in. I know living on a farm you tend not to or say in advance that you will not be home on the day your friend is over and just wanted to let her know not to make the trip as no one will be around.

4. Your husband needs to have a talk with his mom and dad and set some boundaries as these are his parents and he is to deal with this not avoid it. They will be more receptive to please him as he is there son. Your father in law will also sympathize with him (a man thing) and look to make his life easier by calling before they come for there son's sake.

Good Luck

Answer 10

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