Everything he says to me is criticism...?

Question

Hi, how's everyone doing?

So I live with both my parents and I am 15. From the time I was about 3 I was sexually abused by my grandfather who lived with us until he was arrested when I was 10. Now 5 years later, that man is being released from prison sometime this month.

My parents and I have never had a close relationship. Maybe it was because during the abuse I believed my parents knew about it and just let it happen. I know that I was wrong now, they never knew. But whenever the topic comes up (which is about 3 times a year) it's always about how THEY feel guilty or how I LET IT HAPPEN because I didn't tell them anything.

I rarely see my dad these days, and I'm a bit happy about that. He travels in Europe a lot of the time. But whenever he is home everything he says to me is criticism or something hurtful.

See, my parents believe that after sexual abuse you can only go two ways: either be terrified of all things related to sex, guys, etc, OR be promiscuous for the rest of your life. I am not scared of guys so in my parent’s eyes I am promiscuous. My dad called me a slut when he saw me hanging out with one of my best friends (who is a guy) at church.

I have never had a boyfriend; I have never kissed a guy. Any girl who is 15 will have crushes, but if I ever try to have a girl to girl chat with my mom and talk about a guy I like, she freaks out and thinks of me as more of a slut. But I am a Christian. I love GOD. And I am saving myself for marriage.

It seems like everything my father says to me is negative. I can’t remember if he ever said the words “I love you” or “I’m proud of you” to me.

I try SO hard to please my parents, but in everything I do my parents find the fault in it and rub it in my face.

My dad’s currently out of the country. I really want to talk to my mom without her ganging up on me with my dad and convince her that I’m not a slut. I am just trying to be NORMAL after the abuse. Not scared and not a slut. Can anyone give me any advice as how to go about this? I’m so scared that she will think worse of me because I’m trying to defend myself. In her eyes, she’ll probably see it as me trying to hide something.

My parents have no trust in me when I have never given them a reason not to. Please, any advice would be so appreciated.

Can you help me?

Thank you all very much.

"****" = sl*t

Answer 1

I cannot understand your parents state of denial and blame laying without having addressed the trauma your grandfather did to the whole family by abusing you. This was not your fault, not one part of it.

My guess is that your father cannot live with his failure to protect you and instead of addressing his grief through counseling, he has turned on you, the victim. I'm sorry your mother isn't protecting you, you don't deserve this from them.

I don't think there is much you can do about it. Don't worry about what they think of you, just keep living your life the way you want to. Ask for counseling, and if they won't help you get it, then go to your minister and ask him/her to help you talk to them.

You did nothing to deserve this, but there was nothing you could do either. Most victims of sexual abuse by a family member never tell. It might be shame, or the fear that you caused it, or it might be fear of reprisal, but whatever kept you quiet you shouldn't be punished for it. It doesn't say a thing about your character. Your parents are wrong and they are treating you wrong, you need to know that so that you don't self destruct. In 3years you will be able to attend college and leave home, do what you can to make them pay for it, and get out when you safely can. I'm sorry this happened to you, its not your fault.

Answer 2

Hun, you can be proud of yourself doing the right things and moving on after such horrible abuse. It sounds like your parents havent quite moved on and are still feeling guilty about not knowing. If abuse like that happens in a family, it has long term effects and sometimes you can not do much about it other then understand. It sounds like you already understand your parents. You have lived with criticism for a long time now and you may not be able to change how your parents relate to you. What you can do is find people who support you and take you just the way you are. In our lifes we have more tehn just one family. First, we are born into a family we have no choice over. We dont pick our parents and relatives. This family teaches us to adjust and get along with people. As we grow, we start building another family, tha of friends. Those are the people we pick. And this family of friends can make up for a lot that goes wrong in the first family if we pick wisely. I wish I could say something more helpful to you.

Answer 3

You sound very wise for your young age. I am truly sorry for what you went through..and I was sexually abused by a relative but I was in my early teens and it seemed like it just eventually got swept under the carpet.. so to speak. And why we always find fault in ourselves when this happens is beyond me because when we really think about it, it's not our fault in any way. I think you have learned on your own how to deal with it because you have had to..your parents don't sound like they have been much help. Mine never talked about it...I think it was just "easier" for them. I think most parents want to think of their children as pure and innocent and when something like this happens that makes them feel inadequate because they didn't stop it..but they didn't know. I think it sounds like they have alot of anger and guilt built up and it's really embarrassing to them because they probably doubt their parenting skills..in their mind they not only let you down but they also let themselves down as your parents. And when people don't recognize this about themself, they tend to take it out on the people that they love the most. They resent what happened and how it has affected you and the entire family. It doesn't fit in with the "perfect" picture they have painted for their family. This is not saying that they are right to be behaving this way towards you at all..they should have already started family counceling a long time ago..and it's not too late. It's obvious that they haven't dealt with it or come to terms with any of it and this alone shows that they should get all of you into some therapy. It could make life much more bearable for all of you and if they refuse, then I hope that you can find someone like a clergy person or even a counselor at school. You need someone that is an adult and knows how to deal with these situations..and someone that has sense enough to do something other than ignore it because it's not going to go away..it needs to be dealt with. My prayers are with you and please know that you are not alone in this and have hope that things will get better. Under no circumstances is any of this your fault..

Answer 4

aww hunny im so sorry. first, your not to blame yourself for any of this so dont even let your mind go there. maybe you should honestly think about moving in with another relative. i know that what you went through must have been devastating and if your parents arent supportive, maybe someone else might be. are there any aunts or uncles, that you think would be better guardians? honestly think about this suggestion. it may really help.
good luck!!!!

Answer 5

Perhaps this article could help explain your feelings to you parents.

http://www.ocregister.com/ocr/sections/health_family/family/article_621318.php