First Christmas Without Him...?

Question

I lost my husband in January to cancer. We were married for 12 amazing years. We had 4 children, that are 12 year old girl, 10 year old boy , 5 year old boy and 8 month old girl. We married at an early age, 20, but we were very much in love.

This will be our first Christmas without him and he will miss our baby girl's first Christmas. We will be spending Christmas with my mother, step-father and other family, but how can we focus on being happy this coming Christmas? We want to remember him, but not be sad. My 12 year old daughter is the only one of the kids that understood about the death. My 10 year old thinks that this all just a horrible nightmare and of course, my 5 year old is nothing but sad and my 8 month old was only 7 weeks old when he died.

How can we make this Christmas a happy one?

Answer 1

Well, we have some very common threads in our lives. My first year without my boyfriend of 12 years was last Christmas. Since we knew he was dying, we discussed it. He didn't want us to be sad. Of course, I am. I miss him very much. That's just a fact of life. But you don't want to be morose -hanging around being depressed and negative.

What I did was to continue doing what I was doing. I was taking a class, so I finished it. It was hard, but I noticed that the more I did, the better a foundation I built for myself and my happiness. So, keep doing the things that build a happy family. You will begin to have more and more happy days.

For the holidays, focus your thinking and energy on everyone else. With four delightful children you won't have much time to yourself, anyway. Do some easy, fun crafts with each of your children. That will build new, happy memories for them and for you. Even things like sparkly stars for your tree with their names on them.

When my sister and I were children, my mom developed a great project for us to do together. She made 12 elves out of felt. We cut out the pieces, sewed on buttons, hats, and bells on the hats. We filled them with something to make them bean bags (I don't know why) and numbered them. Then we glued and sewed them together and hung them on the tree. Every year we hang them up again. We love those elves; they remind us of the fun we had making them. We laughed, and talked, and created wonderful memories. Now when we get them out, we see they weren't exactly the best made ornaments, we can do much better now. But we love them and hang them and talk about them every year. That's a prize worth the work.

At the family gathering itself, work on keeping yourself together. If you need to cry, go in the bathroom and cry. There is actually a healing quality in crying. For the celebration you don't want to spread the sadness, just the good memories. That's why I say go off the the other room for a cry. The children really make a difference. They talk, and they're active, playing games with each other. It keeps the atmosphere light and happy. If you are too sad, it will make your husband into the "800 pound gorilla" in the room. The conversation will slow to a stop. You may have to be the one to initiate things. Offer to help in the kitchen, lead in games, or other activities. The attention can be on the holiday and on the good things in the family.

Now here's another thing you can do to help your children and your family grieve. Gather around the kitchen table and have each one who can, talk about a good memory about your husband. Then write them in a journal for you to keep. You can add photos to your memory book, and your children can look at it, and add to it at any time of year. If the conversation moves to your husband at the gathering, you can ask others to share good memories for your book, and they can read it if they would like, when they like. It honors his memory without bringing others down in spirit. If you would like to talk more, you can email me through my profile here. I will answer.

Answer 2

Wow Gabbie.

I remember when my Mum (in the UK, so no Mom) died almost 20 years ago. Cancer too.

I remember the first Christmas without her. We decided it was going to be a big Christmas for our family. No moping, lots of time with us together. No morbid "Mum would have wanted this" or any of that.

We felt her their that day, but alo felt that she was part of our yesterdays and that this was what life was going to be like now.

I will never forget that Christmas.

Over time your others will get there. Enlist your eldest daughter to help you with the others. Perhaps give your ten year old boy a "man's job" to do on the day to help him see that he is the oldest male. Perhaps something for your other boy to do as well.

Life will be very different, but it goes on.

That just took me back a long time ago.

Everything will be fine. You will miss him, but the pain falls away over time.

Peace

Answer 3

Of course this will be harder being the first but try not to think 'this is our first Christmas without him'. It makes it more difficult. Celebrate his life and your happy memories. When you feel the grief welling up try to remind yourself of how he would want to be remembered. Think of how he will want to see you as he looks down on you now. It's normal and ok to be filled with grief each time the '1st' of something approaches. Nothing any of us says can ease your pain or that of your children. All you can do is try to deal with it in a way that would make him happy and proud.
I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Answer 4

Oh really how can you? Don't ignore the grief and the pain, especially your children's. I would suggest that you all tell stories about your husband, fun things you did, funny things he did, let his family tell the kids about what he did at Christmas when he was a boy. Make a special memorial for him with his picture and let the kids each place a special thing that was his or reminds them of him at the memorial, then light a candle in his honor and say a prayer. Each year it will get easier and easier but this year, bring him to your Christmas for your children's sake and yours. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Answer 5

well first you have to pray about it. this is something that's hard for anyone to deal with so you are going to be sad and depressed al little. i know he would want you and the family to be happy on christmas. believe it or not he is in a better place right now until you guys meet again. stay strong, f not for yourself do it for your children, and be blessed!!! god loves you!!