She complains about everything I do and don't do for her, refuses to help out around the house and expects me to pay for everything. When I try to reason with her and explain she just accuses me of not caring or supporting her. When I ground her she doesn't care, she just sits around for a few weeks. When I say I'm bothered by her attitude she says I'm too sensitive. And then when I get angry she just says that I am crazy for getting so emotional. I told her that if she wanted my help she had to be respectful to me and she said I should kick her out if I find it so hard to be with her. She said her life would be perfect if she lived with her friend's family. I don't think it will last, but I let her go. I never thought I would do such a thing and I feel so sad and like a failure. She never gets into trouble neither is she using drugs. She's seventeen. I just need her to be nice and she just refuses. What do you think?
2007-12-09 07:24:17 · 39 answers · asked by Liteson 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Kicking a child out is a last resort and its illegal because you are legally responsible for her until she is 18. Anything she does you are accountable for. A better idea would have been for the two of you to get counseling together. She sounds depressed and you basically abandoned her. Call the number below for help in parenting.
2007-12-09 07:41:37 · answer #1 · answered by Dovahkiin 7 · 4⤊ 2⤋
Your story sounds so familiar. I also have a 22 year old, with similar problems. I kicked her out, then let her back in several times. She finally got pregnant, and had a baby in February. This straightened her out, and she's doing well now. It takes a lot of strength to kick your child out of your house, even if you know it's the right thing. You have to weigh all the factors - are there other children in the house? Is she costing you money (more than the usual expenses)? Is she making any progress toward independence? I think kicking her out is good, but only if you can stand firm and insist that she accomplish certain goals before she comes back. But, as parents, it's so hard to see your child suffering. I'd suggest helping her to find cheap, safe housing, like the YWCA. Tell her what she needs to do in order to come home, and keep very much involved. You're not abandoning her, you're trying to help her to become a successful adult.
2016-05-22 08:34:07 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She's 17, she's not 30 for god's sake.
She's a child. A teenager. Everything you've said is completely normal. I'm 18 and live with my mom, and it's exactly the same.
Find her, sit her down and have a talk. Say you need some help around the house (maybe keeping her room tidy, dusting and hoovering it and maybe laying the table everyday or something).
Tell her she needs to get a part time job, even if it's for 1 day a week. It'll really tell her the value of money, it sure did to me when I got one two years ago.
At the end of the day - mothers and daughters fight, that's the way it's supposed to be.
You said she never gets into trouble or uses drugs - maybe she's just having a hard time at the moment? Lots of kids are so confused about their future at that age.
Yes you want her to be nice and have a good relationship, but it takes work from both of you.
I can see her side of the coin too. My mom nags constantly, and I have so much to worry about now, the fact that I bought a picture 2 days ago and GOD FORBID I haven't put it up yet doesn't compare to the fact that my entire English coursework got deleted..! Daughters don't tell their parents everything.
I think you were a little harsh throwing her out but I can understand. Call her, go to a cafe and talk about things. Lay out some ground rules. She'll know you're serious.
Good luck, and don't worry - every family is like this!
2007-12-09 07:34:33 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 2⤋
Liteson,
In the teen years it can be very difficult. There are so many things going on at the same time. The child is essentially independent, yet not mature enough (for most of them) to maintain all the necessary connections life presents. A warm, sympathetic counselor would do you both a world of good.
Not all personalities work together, naturally. I remember that all the things my mother did were just about the worst thing she could have done for me. She raised me on cliches` without explaining what they meant and how they related to my life. I was well over 30 before I had the experience to begin to understand what they meant. Yet, she did the same for my sister, who just doesn't understand why that was a problem. Do you see what I mean?
You might need her to behave one way, but not be presenting it in a way that reaches her heart. Sometimes we have to peel off the layers of "armor" we build up for self-protection (and become vulnerable) before some people can understand what's in our hearts. That's where counseling can help us achieve our goals.
Don't despair, things are tough at the moment, but they can be repaired. You can both learn to respect each other.
2007-12-09 08:10:48 · answer #4 · answered by Jeanne B 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Can you discuss this with her dad or a close friend of yours? First off, I think you need to get clear in your head what you expect from your daughter, how you feel in yourself (and not just how her behaviour makes you feel), how far away you are from your ideal and how reasonable your ideal is.
Second, I'm sure your daughter will be home before too many hours are out. What are this friend's family like I assume they will expect her to go to school and so on and won't tolerate her hanging around their house tomorrow? She's going to need her own stuff. Can you talk to one of the parents?
Third, cut off the funds. If she wants it, she rents out videos, walks other people's dogs, babysits, stacks shelves, sweeps hair or delivers papers. That's life.
Remember you have not failed - all teenagers are brats. I was and am alright now and was a really nice child. It's natural and she's testing boundaries. What you need to do it she her clearly where they are and not budge in that. That doesn't mean shouting matches that upset you. Or making threats that you don't follow through on. Would a set of house rules work if you both signed up to them and agreed to three or four each to respect each other's personalities?
I hope you get some support through this - it must be so hard. My Dad failed because he kept letting my bro off the hook. Please be strong and consistent and don't let her draw you into rows. You can walk away in your own home and ignore if she misbehaves.
2007-12-09 07:38:43 · answer #5 · answered by louise t 3 · 3⤊ 1⤋
She is seventeen therefore a minor. Fight for the relationship with your daughter. The mother and daughter relation can be so challenging at times. You have to come to grips with the fact you have another woman living with you. That transition from mommy's little girl to almost woman is a delicate one. This may have a great deal to do with your emotions. Do not allow her to manipulate you. Rules are what she is probably running from at this age. Take a deep breath and preserve the relationship no matter what.
2007-12-09 07:32:01 · answer #6 · answered by shoes_717 4 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Go get her. She is 17 and does not know her emotions or how to understand them. She sounds like a brat-but you raised her so who is at fault? You are right, she will not be happier living with someone else. Right now, she thinks the grass is greener on the other side. I know you love her because you said you were sad. Go get her and talk to her. Bring her home. Dont let her think you have washed your hands of her (even if that may be what she needs). Maybe you guys need some family counseling. She is still a child. Her mind is not the mind of an adult yet, give her a break and maybe she will return the favor.
2007-12-09 07:29:52 · answer #7 · answered by pupgirl 6 · 4⤊ 3⤋
oh read this to the bottom please,
first thought, you are just learning you didn't teach her respect.
Parents get back most of what they didn't teach their kids in the teen years. First " you must respect your self before you can respect others". Sounds basic, but she is not happy with herself.
Teens all try to take charge, this is a sign, "look at me" "I'm a adult" "Can't you hear me" sound like words and phrases you used on your kids? They are trying to show you they are all grown up, I'm making adult dessions, our about to, or thinking about starting to do things I want to do now.
loosing your temper doesn't solve anything, and the list of problems that can go with it is really long, so learn control.
Girls that use the word perfect, scar me. They aren't happy and are looking for change. You have to find a positive change for her, or she will find a change on her own, and logic doesn't work here for her, it is a quick fix, drugs, sex, food, acting out, all are signs. fit's that work are Father Daughter nights out for dinner, personal one on one time. Church groups for teens. A gym, like YMCA or YWCA in your area.
The Fix:
You need to call over and let her know your sorry and want to come and get her and bring her home and work this out together.
No more rules, your beyond that now. You need guild lines. let her help in setting up goals for herself. being young in this screw up world of sex is fun, and free and called playing is not the right time for parents to take a seat and stop working with your kid, it is time for a new begining and if you need help, their are countlers out their, and most ins. plans cover it too.
2007-12-09 07:38:01 · answer #8 · answered by John M 6 · 3⤊ 1⤋
You aren't a failure. Its a phase a lot of girls go through. Your right, it won't last. She will come back with a better understanding of what you do for her. She probably won't completely appreciate the things you do until she has a child of her own. Personally, the moment I had my baby in my arms at the hospital, a light went off and I understood motherhood and why they do the things they do. It will be fine. Don't look down on yourself. Sometimes it's what needs to be done.
2007-12-09 07:30:05 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 6⤊ 1⤋
People treat you the way you let them treat you. Set the boundaries and enforce them! It sounds like she did respect you and now will have to deal with the outcome of her own actions. Bravo for being able to give her some tough love. Even if a child is not getting into serious trouble, failing, or doing drugs, being unappreciative and disrespectful are still serious issues. I say you did the right thing. Now, DON'T call her all of the time and don't invite her back home. When things get rough, and they will, and she wants to come crawling back home remind her of the ground rules and the fact that they include treating you respectfully.
I've always believe we CHOOSE to have out kids and are responsible for their care and happiness. However, that does NOT include spoiling them rotten or letting them walk all over us.
Good on you. Best of luck!
2007-12-09 10:42:59 · answer #10 · answered by MISS H 5 · 0⤊ 4⤋