Christians please; Is it considered unforgiveness if you cease communication with a close friend?

Question

I have been friends with this person for about six years. She says that she is a Christian, but her actions suggest otherwise. It is not for me to judge this. That is not the issue. Only God knows people's hearts.

She is a pathological liar. She believes her own lies, so therefore, trying to reason with her and help her face the truth is impossible. She just continues to tell more lies. She is constantly in court over issues that she has brought about herself, that she blames others for. She has been through multiple marriages and love relationships which never last because of her lies. Her own family has disowned her.
She has manipulated me and used me over and over again and I forgave her over and over again until recently, I decided that I have had enough and ended the friendship. I told her that I forgave her for everything she did in the past, but was choosing to stop being friends.
Am I sinning by doing this? Is this unforgiveness in God's eyes?

Scripture references would be appreciated. I want to know God's opinion on this subject.

Answer 1

Bottom line - it might be, it might not be.

What does the Holy Spirit within you say?
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If you think it to be a sin, it is sin...no matter what that might be. For whatever is not from faith is sin, and he who doubts is condemned. (Romans 14:22-23).

The corollary of this, of course, is not true. That is, something might be a sin...even if you think it is not. And we very often sin ignorantly. (Psalm 19:12-13, Psalm 139:23).

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She says that she is a Christian. There you go; you treat her as such, assuming that she is. You are right, no one knows the heart of a person except God and that person (2 Chronicles 6:30), and salvation is a matter of the heart (Romans 10:9-10). Surely, Satan masquerades as an angel of light (2 Corinthians 11:14), so it is no great "wonder" if his ministers do also. Honestly, the most highly esteemed Christian you may know may actually be deceived (Matthew 7:23) while the most fruitless Christian you know (even this friend of yours) may be a a true Christian (1 Corinthians 3:13).

This all being said, we must as fellow Christians accept her as if she were a Christian since she claims to be a Christian, thus we must deal with her as a Christian sister.

There are many brothers or sisters that seem to continue to struggle more obviously with the flesh (Romans 7), and truth be known...we are all in this battle, with Paul...as Christians (Romans 7). Some of our battles are more apparent (pathological lying) while others are more hidden (sexual lust; adultery of the heart - Matthew 5:27-30). But we all have battles as Christians, none-the-less...as you well know. He who says he is without sin deceives himself and the truth is not in them (1 John 1:10).

This all being said, read this fairly well known scripture:
"If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, 'I repent,' you shall forgive him.'" -Luke 17:3

Notice that it says, "if he repents". In your question, you do not make note of this. But it is important - even though this friend of your continues to lie...does she repent? For if she does not even repent...

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Next, let's look at this scripture:
"Do not grow weary in doing good. And if anyone does not obey our word in this epistle, note that person and do not keep company with him, that he may be ashamed. Yet do not count him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother."
-2 Thessalonians 3:15

Here you have a command from God to separate from the unrepentant brother...to not even keep company with them, so that they may be ashamed.

AGAIN, this only applies to brothers and sisters in the Lord.

"I wrote to you in my epistle not to keep company with sexually immoral people. Yet I certainly did not mean with sexually immoral people of this world, or with the covetous, or extortioners, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world." - 1 Corinthians 5:10

That is, we are NOT to specifially part company with non-Christians who sin because they sin (though, we could part company with them for other reasons). It would be completely absurd to part company from sinners because they sin! Number one, they are only doing that which is natural to them. Number two, as Paul declared...we'd have to leave this world completely!

However, we are COMMANDED to part company with brothers or sister in the Lord that continue in unrepentant sin.

But there are Biblical ways to "do" this parting...

Within a church, there is a increasing level of "discipline" that the Bible speaks about...
First, if a brother sins against you, you go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. But if he will not hear, then you take 2 or more with you. If he refuses to hear the 2-3 of you together regarding this sin, then you tell it formally to your church. If they refuse to hear the church, they are to be cut off...even excommunicated. (see Matthew 18:15-17)

You must understand, though...all of this "harsh" treatment...is profoundly loving.

As it is written:
"Hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord."
-1 Corinthians 5:5

You see?

Open rebuke is better than concealed love. (Proverbs 27:5).

You heart desire is for them to repent...and so be saved!
This is hard, but profoundly loving!
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While these "proceedures" for a sinning brother are best suited to apply to a fellow Christian in fellowship with you at your local church, yet the same principles apply more broadly.

Again, the Thessalonian verse mentioned above applies (2 Thessalonians 3:15).

It is, perhaps, profoundly loving for you to cut ties with this sister...IF she shows an unrepentant heart.

The question is: does she?
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This all being said...I am concerned because you expressly state:
"I forgave her over and over again UNTIL..."

Reminds me of this scripture:
"Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."
-Matthew 18:21

That is what "bothers" me - or the Holy Spirit within me as I read your question.

Perhaps if you had said:
"I forgave her over and over again...AND now recently, I have decided to end the friendship"...that would be a different story.

Could it be that your very words may betray a *bit* of unforgiveness within you...that the Lord has giving me discernment and knowledge to see...?

Perhaps. Or perhaps not.

Look - it is NOT a sin to end a friendship.

But if you want to be Biblical about it...rebuke her and tell her why. Tell her that you forgive her...and if she does not repent, tell her that you will no longer be her friend. If she does repent, you are in a quandry. The world would say, "don't let her run all over you", but Jesus says, "forgive her seventy-seven times"...that is, an infinite amount of times...knowing that He has forgiven you out of his grace - so, you, too must forgive...lest you won't be forgiven. (Matthew 6:14-25). But this does not mean that you must be "close friends" and hangout, etc...

And finally...again, as noted at the beginning, if you THINK it is a sin...then it is a sin. (Romans 14:23).

And again, ending a relationship in and of itself does not indicate "unforgiveness". Paul and Baranabus disputed because of Mark...and parted ways. I don't think they Paul was being unforgiving when he did this. (Acts 15:37-41). But I will also have you note, that Mark did apparently repent...and went from being "not useful to the ministry" to being "useful", as Paul declares later in 2 Timothy 4:11. Thus, Mark and Paul's relationship was restored. And I hope your and your friends is, as well. I hope and pray that the Lord change her heart...which can only be done supernaturally by Him, by His grace through faith in Christ...for His glory.

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Grace and peace in Christ be with you...and your friend, in abundance!

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Answer 2

I think you made the right decision. As long as you are not holding a grudge(being unforgiving) then it is fine. I know there is a saying that you should not lay with dogs if you don't want to get flees. I know in the Bible I've seen this concept a few times(I don't have a particular scripture, sorry.)

She is the type of person that I think God would have you wipe your shoes off and move on from. You did what you could and no change has presented itself. It's up to her to change. You are not sinning by letting her go.

I had a friend like this, (not quite to this extent) but she lies all the time. She likes to say rumors that are not true about her friends and other people. I do believe she may also be a pathelogical liar. I have forgiven her maybe 200 times possibly and gone back to be her friend. I no longer contact her now because it's never ending and I think that God would be happy with my decision. I am not angry with her and I have forgiven her so I don't believe this is a sin.

Hope this helped. Sorry I don't have specific scripture. I know it's in there. Maybe look in your Bible's table of contents or in a study Bible under forgiveness?

Answer 3

Don't know the reference right now, but Paul said something like 'as much as you are able, be at peace with everyone you know...'
I had a pastor that told me once, 'the only reason to be in a relationship is to produce fruit', which I have used in my relationships. If my relationship with the person is positive for one or both parties, I continue. Sometimes this means that I'm in relationships where the other person is getting more out of it than I am.
If it is negative for one or both parties, then this is a negative relationship. You can't help someone that reacts negatively to you, and you can't be helped by someone you react negatively to. There has to be discernment here, because one can have 'wake up calls' or short-term confrontations in a relationship that ultimately strengthen the members and cause growth. And one can have evangelical and mentorial relationships that begin with negativity but gradually become positive and transformational, so I'm not suggesting writing off a friend (or a relative) simply because you have an argument. But if the ongoing tenor of the relationship is negativity, I think you have to take steps.

Another issue is boundaries. You have to set boundaries. The world is full of people who will suck you dry. It isn't godly and doesn't help them to allow this to happen. Jesus set boundaries with people all the time. Read the Gospels closely. One example I can think of (don't have the Bible with me right now) is 'one man said, 'Lord, I will follow you, first let me bury my father.' Jesus replied 'Let the dead bury their own dead, but come and follow me.' He also said, 'no one who, after putting his hand to the plow, turns and looks back is fit for the Kingdom of God.' That's a boundary. Another is where Peter rebukes Jesus when He says He will be crucified. Jesus says 'Get behind me Satan!' this is quite a confrontation. It shows how close the two of them were, and at the same time, how differently they thought at that point.
Being a Christian means you're going to get stomped on. I think people need to realize this. You become a target for other people's prejudice and cupidity. It is a commitment that requires emotional armor ultimately. You WILL get hurt. Expect it. Then you won't be surprised when it happens. Look at Christ. Can you imagine being proclaimed Messiah by thousands of followers and then being abandoned by these same people, left to the wolves to be Crucified. Yet He forgave them. That's the flip side. You have an ally in God, who is there to comfort you even when you make a mistake. I have made plenty, believe me. But I've learned too.
God Bless.

Answer 4

You're not sinning by ceasing your association with her.
You're not to be unevenly yoked with a non-believer (as she only gives 'lip service' to Christian principles, she's not a practicing Christian-in good standing-and has cast her lot with non-believers...can you hardly, by their conduct, tell her apart from them?). Your job is to serve God, continually nurture and develop your spirituality (relationship with God), and be a good example to others. Think of how younger or more spiritually immature ones could be looking up to you.
I once had a friend to whom I had to say, "you have several positive and attractive qualities, but the fact that I never know when you're going to be bitter or hold something against me makes you unpredictable. That makes me keep my guard up around you, and that has spoiled my time with you. Maybe someday things will change. Until then, I don't enjoy your company in the same old way, and I don't want to have a close friendship any more."
Honest, clear, and to the point.
Continue to pray about this, all will be fine. When you put God's principles first, everything works out in the best way possible. With God it's "out with the old, in with the new." You'll have the space in your life for a friend who loves God like you do. Keep your eyes open.
Best wishes.

Answer 5

I want to start by asking you this question, what can someone do to you that you cannot forgive? Remember where Christ took you from - By grace you have been saved.
I do not want to say if its forgiveness or unforgiveness in God's eye. I hope you are able to conclude at the end. What would have happened if after Christ forgave you He decided not to speak with you or have any kind of relationship with you. You are your brothers and sisters keeper.
Why dont you stand in the gap for her - you have spoken about a lot of challenges she is facing or has faced in the past why not go to the Lord on her behalf if truly she is your friend.
Just think of what Jesus would have done if He is the one in your position because you are a Christian - Christ like. Would Jesus cast her away or talk to the Father on her behalf. There is othing God cannot do. You that you are not telling lies and your life is in order, is it by your making? It is God that works in us to will and do of His good pleasures thats what the Bible says.
I pray God to give you the grace to handle this God's way.

It is a different thing if she is drawing you to sin that is when you say do not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever - I would have said let her go her way but she has not lured you to lie or commit any form of sin so please let God help you to help her. Have a sisterly discussion based on what you both profess to be with her and await chages.
The Lord bless you.

Answer 6

God forgives us. What gives you the right to not forgive your friend of SIX YEARS when God forgave you? You need to continue showing love to her. Be firm in saying that you won't believe her lies, but at the same time, show the love. Even if she doesn't seem to be responding, you never know what might be going on inside her. It took ME forever to finally accept Jesus. I always said I was a Christian, but I didn't accept Jesus until earlier this year. My mom would always talk to me about God, but I'd always give the impression that I thought I was good and that I didn't want to listen. During those times, though, I thought about what my mom was constantly telling me. I didn't show it outwardly, but it was there. And those thoughts budded into a real relationship with Jesus. How is your friend to believe that you forgive her when you say you don't want to be her friend anymore? Your action contradicted your words. You don't necessarily have to be her friend (there are some people each of us can never be really close to), but you can at least be nice to her. Even if she isn't very nice to you. Jesus did forgive the people who scorned and killed Him.

Answer 7

Read Psalm 1:1,2. How about Exodus 23:1,2. Forgiveness is an issue of the heart... you can forgive someone completely and still just decide not to have a part in thier folly or to assosiate with them. Sometimes, if you love God, the best way you can show Him that you love Him is by seperating yourself from those you love because they are liars and unrepentant. Your friend may be hurt, but it may be a tool for the Holy Ghost to use to awaken them. Be very kind to this friend in as much as is possible, and be charitable... but ignore them as much as possible. I hope this helped. Also see 1 Cor 5:11

Answer 8

Hi Kait,
I suppose Jesus was the one who suffered worst at the hands one one who should have been a friend - Judas. The prophetic verse in Zechariah 13:6
'And one asks him, "What are these wounds on your back?" he will say, "The wounds I received in the house of my friends."
Job had some gloomy friends who did not strengthen him.

In 2 Timothy 3:2 we have ' For people will be lovers of self ..heartless, ..without self-control..treacherous...having the appearance of godliness but denying its power. Avoid such people.'

If your friend wishes to have your friendship perhaps you will have to be frank with her about your feelings. You can always say that you'll be there for her if she changes her ways. But sometimes we just have to stand up for our own values.I am sure God will not condemn you.

Sometimes these things are very testing of our attitudes and trust in God. Make it a matter of prayer and you may well find a way through it all and the strength to cope.

I hope this helps a little.

Answer 9

Kait,

In cases like this, Proverbs has many answers and should be heeded.

Prov. 1:7 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, But fools despise wisdom and instruction.

Prov. 6:16-19 These six things the LORD hates, Yes, seven are an abomination to Him: 17 A proud look, "A lying tongue", Hands that shed innocent blood, 18 A heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that are swift in running to evil, 19 "A false witness who speaks lies", And one who sows discord among brethren.

Prov. 12:15 The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, But he who heeds counsel is wise.

Prov. 12:26 The righteous should choose his friends carefully, For the way of the wicked leads them astray.

Prov. 13:3 He who guards his mouth preserves his life, But he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction.

Prov. 13:5 "A righteous man hates lying", But a wicked man is loathsome and comes to shame.

Prov. 13:18 Poverty and shame will come to him who disdains correction, But he who regards reproof will be honored.

* *Prov. 14:7 Go from the presence of a foolish man, When you do not perceive in him the lips of knowledge.

Prov. 26:11 As a dog returns to his own vomit, So a fool repeats his folly.

If your "friend" does not heed your admonitions, then you need to go from the presence of that person as said in Prov. 14:7

In all honesty, I really don't think your friend is saved. Instead of trying to correct her, you'd be better off giving her the gospel ... it's the power of God to set her free from her bondage.

I have the gift of mercy and I know it's hard to turn away from some people you care for but obedience to God is more important than a broken friendship. This person is not your friend anyway. If she lies about others, she will lie about you as well. You will not be losing anything but a weight around your heart ... and God will reward you for obeying Him.

Answer 10

No, it is not necessarily unforgiveness, it could be that they no longer have things in common with each other.

We all change in what we like and what we don't like, and what we believe and what we don't believe, and that could be the reason for a person not continuing a relationship.

It looks like you no longer have anything in common. You have gone two different ways.

When you think of it, that is often what causes divorce. Two people believe they are compatible and marry, then over time and life's experiences, they no longer even know each other so they part and go separate ways.

grace2u

Answer 11

No, you are not sinning. You did the right thing. A friend isn't worth loosing your salvation over. And you did the right thing by letting her go. By the sounds of it your friend is still a part of the world and the bible says "Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord"2 Cor. 6:17.....MEaning come out from unclean people.
My personal statement, she isn't a christian, because Jesus said the ones that obey my commands are the ones that truely love me! But I'm not the one she will have to answer to a Judgement day, I'm just a teacher!
Hope that helps