what jokes on medicine and medical professionals would you suggest which may be full of humour?

Question

For use while compering a conference of medicos

Answer 1

Medical Humor

Being in the medical profession requires a good sense of humor!
To do our part, we offer this list of great medical humor.
If you have a funny joke or story to contribute, please email it to us at
[e-mail] .

Medical Record Bloopers | Clinical Humor | Develop Your Sense of Humor | Jokes | Links

Medical Record Blunders
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The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. (Excuse me, what are you doing with that pen light?)

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. (Anatomy review time!)

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. (An empowered patient.)

The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

We will follow her eyes and nose with a foley catheter.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

The patient had a rash over his truck.

Dictation blunder: lasar radar response (as opposed to vagovagal response).



Clinical Humor
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Equipment and activities for humor interventions in hospitals and clinics
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Humor rooms, humor carts, humorous videos for patients to check out.
Invite guest performers such as comedians, magicians, or clowns.
Wear a humorous item, silly button, neck tie, etc.
Display humorous photos of staff – your staff is humorous - just give them a chance.
Have a cartoon bulletin board with favorites from staff and patients displayed each week.
Play music which encourages playful movement.
Support and applaud the efforts staff and patients make regarding humor and positive attitudes.
Join the American Association for Therapeutic Humor, http://aath.org/.
Eight steps for developing your sense of humor
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Gain an awareness and knowledge of the benefits of humor. Adopting a humorous outlook takes both a change in attitude and behavior.
Identify inappropriate humor. Avoid it. This is any type of humor that can be perceived as offensive to others. Humor should not be divisive.
Get to know what amuses you. What type of humor works for you on the job? What feels comfortable for you? Never tell a joke or a story unless you like it yourself and think it is really funny. It must be genuine.
Do a humor history on yourself. List favorite jokes, comedians, styles of humor, humorous situations that happened to you, TV shows, and movies.
Keep a file of humorous anecdotes, stories, jokes, and cartoons.
You need to be somewhat of a risk taker to start using humor or to use it more. Working humor into your routine is a process and not an event.
Allow yourself to be silly.
Surround yourself with people who have a humorous, positive outlook, and most of all, learn to laugh at yourself.
Jokes
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The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn.

"Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.

"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."


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"Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"


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An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter: "What are you doing naked?" The daughter responds: "This is the dress of love." When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her: "What are you doing naked, woman?" She responds: "This is the dress of love." And he said to her, "Well, go iron it first."


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Ponder This: The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.


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Prescriptive compliance:
A woman in Arkansas brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an ear ache.

He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."


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A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor:
"It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side)
"And when I press here" (pressing the other side)
"And here" (his leg)
"And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms)

So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong... "You've got a broken finger!


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A man who had died suddenly in his sleep awakened to find himself in heaven. Being disoriented but curious, he began to walk around taking in the wondrous sights. he marveled at the pearly gates, as well as the streets paved with gold. After a while he felt hungry and asked one of the other occupants where he might find something to eat and was directed to the cafeteria. When he arrived he found a line a mile long and took his place at the end.
The line was progressing very slowly when a limo pulled up in front and discharged a man with a great beard and carrying two stone tablets who went in ahead of everyone else. The fellow became angry and tapped the person in front of him on the shoulder and asked who is that? The person in front of him replied that it was Moses the bringer of law. This satisfied the fellow for the present.

A short while later another limo pulled up and discharged a fellow wearing robes and carrying a staff who also went in ahead of the rest. The fellow again was irritated and asked the person in front of him who that arrival was, and was told that it was St. Jerome a patriarch and very important! This also satisfied the fellow for a short time.

After a time a sports car pulled up in front and a man carrying a black bag went in ahead of the rest, which infuriated the poor fellow who asked in exasperation, just who the hell is that? This time the line answered in unison, "Oh, that's God, but he thinks he is a doctor!"


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The CEO of a large HMO dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter shows him to a lovely villa, wonderful music, great views, full staff of servants, gourmet meals, etc.
The CEO says, "This is terrific!"

"Don't get too comfortable," says St. Peter. "You're only approved for a three-day stay."


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Doctor Vs. Mechanic
Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey...Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away and said softly, to Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running."


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The Ranks of a Hospital
Surgeon:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more productive than a train
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Talks with God

Internist:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God if special request is approved

General Practitioner:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Can fire a speeding bullet
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Is occasionally addressed by God

Resident:
Barely clears a picket fence
Loses tug-of-war with a train
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Swims well
Talks with animals

Intern:
Makes high skid marks on a wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by a train
Is not issued ammunition
Dog paddles
Talks to walls

Medical Student:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes a train 2 out of 3 times
Wets himself with a water pistol
Cannot stay afloat without a life preserver
Mumbles to himself

Nurse:
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks trains off the track
Catches speeding bullets with her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
The Nurse IS God!!!!


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Hospital Cost Cutting Measures
To: All Hospital Staff
From: Adminstration/Groundskeeping
Date: March 23, 2000
Re: New Cost Cutting Measures
Effective April 1 this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the park areas. In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardiac and security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.

Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something, or may make arrangements with Subway, Domino's, etc., before meal time. Coin-operated phones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.

Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean environment. Families of ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts for their final bill. Time cards will be provided.

As you can see in the "FROM" line above, administration is assuming grounds keeping duties. If an adminstrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker, etc.

Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the TIME_LIFE "How to..." series of maintainence books. These books can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at the rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.

Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Revco's photolab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Revco's will honor competitor's coupons for one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them to the ER.

In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the electric company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.

In addition to the current recycling program, a bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nocosomial production of antibiotics. The antibiotics will also be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy and will, coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed in the HMO's formulary.


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A genie gave three physicians one wish each. The first physician said, "I'm already the smartest pediatrician in the world, but I'd like to be 25% smarter."
Poof! The pediatrician became 25% smarter.
The second physician said, "I'm already the smartest neurologist in the world, but I'd like to be 50% smarter."
Poof! The genie made the neurologist 50% smarter.

The third physician told the genie, "I'm not only the smartest surgeon in the world, but I'm also the smartest person. But, just to be sure, I'd like you to make me 100% smarter."
"This is the third and final wish," the genie said. "If I fulfill your wish, I can't change you back."
"Just make me 100% smarter," the surgeon demanded.

"Okay," said the genie. Poof! "You're a nurse practitioner!!"


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A Nurse Practitioner was examining his patient who happened to be hard of hearing. He put his stethoscope to her chest and said, "Big breaths."
The woman replied, "Yes, they used to be bigger!"
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How many Psych NPs does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the light bulb really has to want to change.


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Seen on a nurse's bumper sticker:
ER RN
Pass me now, see me later!


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WARNING: SICK HUMOR AHEAD (submitted by nurses)

What do you do if someone's having a seizure in a swimming pool?
Throw in your wash.

LINKS
Humorous Medical Links
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Emergency Nursing World
Layman's Guide to Medical Terminology
Medlaff
Murphy's Nurses
Nursing and Medical Cartoons
Nursing and Medical Limericks
Nurstoon Nursing Humor Cartoons
Weird Nursing Tales
Who Wants To Be a Nursing Millionaire?

Answer 2

Ok so a blond goes to the doctor and wants to lose weight
the doc says to eat a day and skip a day. for a week
this should lose 3 pounds right off the bat
she comes back a week later and lost 10 pounds
Surprised, the doctor asked what she did?
She said that the eating park was easy but skipping around they whole day almost killed me

Answer 3

A guy goes to see his doctor and the doc orders a bunch of tests. When he gets them back he calls the guy back in. The guy comes in and the doc says, "I have bad news and worse news. Which do you want forst?" The guy says, "Give me the bad first and then the worse." The doctor says, "OK, you have cancer." Guy says, "What's the worse news?" Doc says, "You also have alzheimers disease." The guy says, "Well, I guess it could be worse, at least I don't have cancer."

Answer 4

A racist one--
A Chinese guy goes to the eye doctor, who says, "Oh, I see you have a cataract". The Chinese guy says, "No, I have a Rincoln".
A better one that was absolutely fail-safe when asked aloud; every doc I've posed this to got it wrong.
"You know what an EKG is, you know what an MRI is, you know what a CBC is, you know what PET is. If you're so smart, what is an EGG?"
Answer: "An egg, stupid".

Answer 5

Here's one I heard a while back.

A man visits his doctor about his test results and is scared to find him all solemn and gloomy.

The doctor says "I'm sorry I have bad news for you. The test results indicate you will die in ten..".
The man interrupts the doctor in shock, "ten months, years???" he asks.

The doctor says " nine...eight...."

Answer 6

It's quite funny (the concept), but your wording (if it is yours) might need to be fixed a little so it runs clearer.