How do I end the relationship without breaking his heart?

Question

I've been seeing this guy for a few months. He's a total sweetheart, handsome, sincere,dedicated,hard working,etc but he's just not the one for me. I'm 31, he's 22 and already he is very attached. He calls all of the time and wants to spend all of his free time with me, tells me he's inlove with me..It's a bit overwhelming considering that I have a full time career and a 7yr old to raise. He thinks I need a man around the house and help with my child because I'm a woman. When in truth, I don't. Here's my delima. He immigrated to this country 2 yrs ago, has one brother who resides in another state. The rest of his family resides in South America. He's only knows 5 words in English..max and there are days when I just don't feel like speaking Spanish. Lately, he has been pressuring me to define our relationship..which I don't want to do. Furthermore, I'm unfullfied sexually- he just doesn't do it for me. I want to continue too see other men. I don't want to hurt him..any suggestions?

Answer 1

Well, first of all I wanna start by saying...remember a lot of folks even today would love to immigrate to the USA permanently (even with today's economy etc), hence beware of the "Green-card" lovers. For my understanding is, and I am kinda going through this, that any one married to a US Citizen automatically becomes eligible for a green-card if they are from a different country. So be very sure before you jump into any marriage proposals in the effort to not break his heart.
Secondly, in any relationship, for whatever reasons a relationship has to end,there is heartbreak involved. There is no going around it. Sorry. Yes you will break his heart if he really and truly loves you, but one must learn to move on.
Maybe I am giving you a hard truth attitude, but I have had my heart broken many a time in the past, and it hurts! Very much! but after a while we all learn to put it behind us and move on,till that perfect someone comes into our lives.

Answer 2

if he's pressuring you for commitment and you are avoiding answering, he already knows or at least has a hint that something is wrong. If you think the relationship is worth saving, you can try couples counseling.
The fact that he has no family close by is probably making him that much more clingy. I don't think there is any way to do this painlessly, but it will get worse if you drag it out. It is kindest to let him know sooner than later.
When he calls, don't be available all the time. Let him know you would like to see him learn English for his own sake as well as due to the fact that you get tired of speaking Spanish all the time. Make some dates to go shopping and things like that with family or friends and don't include him. This will let him know that he is not the center of your world, and may help a little.
He needs to wrap his brain around the idea that you may need to take a different path in your life. Let him know that you appreciate his concern, but that you have done well before you met him, and can cope.
Good luck.

Answer 3

Nikki, you answered your own question when you stated that "he is very attached. He calls all of the time..." That tells me that you CANNOT end the relationship without causing him distress. Unfortunately, you cannot hold a friendship with him either because he wants to marry you and have a permanent relationship with you, and from what you have said, you are NOT ready or interested in that type of relationship.

You need to meet with him at a neutral place where you can have some privacy, but not be too enclosed. You need to tell him that he appears ready for a permanent relationship and you are NOT. Since he wants a stronger relationship, which means he's ready for a permanent relationship, you must stop seeing him. This is right for both of you.

You need to not feel pressure to be in such a close, serious relationship which you are not ready for at this time. And, to be fair to him, since he's ready for a permanent relationship, you need to let him go so he can find another woman who IS ALSO ready for a relationship.

Explain to him that, while you think of him as a nice friend, you do NOT see him as a partner for life. You do NOT love him with the kind of love needed for marriage.

I had to do this once when my friend brought me an engagement ring. I also told him that, if in 10 years we were both not married, that I would be willing to marry him for companionship as I felt he was a good friend, but I needed some spark in a relationship at this point in my life, and I didn't have that spark with him.

He and I both married other people. His marriage held up. Mine did not, but I now have the right man in my life and am remarried.

Answer 4

This is a difficult situation to be in. I can tell you as a hispanic woman that hispanic men do get attached very easily, they are very family oriented and he'd probably make a good father figure to your child if he truly has all of the qualities that you say he does. Sex...you'll come to find as YOU mature, isn't a good foundation for any relationship. It's going to fizzle at some point and if that is something that you NEED right now, (good sex) then you probably aren't ready to settle down in a relationship. If you are troubled by speaking spanish, maybe next time you shouldn't date a guy who doesn't speak english. It's easiest to just cut your losses now and be honest with the guy. He'll appreciate that you aren't stringing him along but not to say that he won't be hurt of pissed off. You'll just have to live with that - but how he feels isn't something you can concern yourself with. Just be honest with yourself and with him and it'll work itself out.

Answer 5

Tell him the truth. If you lie, it will probably come back to hurt you in the end. Tell him that this is very difficult for you to say, but you need time to focus on your son and your career. You're only 22! That's so young! Simply let him know that you want to end your relationship before you become too involved with one another and you end up hurting him even more. The truth always works !

Answer 6

Just tell him the truth- you're 31 yrs old for cry out loud. I am not interested in pursuing this relationship any further. (Period) It doesn't matter what you do or say, he is going to be hurt because he doesn't have anyone else, other then his brother. Bottom line is he is way to young for you-I don't know what you were thinking to even start this-You have said one thing that is actually mature in this entire statement.....you have a 7 yr old to raise....stop dating all together and concentrate on that.

Answer 7

This goes back to a statement I hear all the time. The Truth Will Set You Free. There is no wrong way with telling the truth. You don't want to be unhappy nor do you want him uphappy so just be honest although he may be hurt. For future reference, you need to find guys more of your age and on your level.

Answer 8

I don't think you can not hurt his feelings...but being honest with him is better for everyone in the long run. Let him know that although you think he is a great guy, he just isn't the guy for you. You think you'd both be better off looking for someone with more chemistry and wish him all the best. Good luck.

Answer 9

Just tell him that it isn't working for you. It's impossible to break up with someone who is in love with you without breaking his heart. Tell him that you're not interested in being in a relationship right now, that you don't like to speak in Spanish all the time and he is overwhelming you with his 'redefinition of relationship', tell him you want your freedom back.

Answer 10

Listen just tell him you need time to define the relationship. I asume you're not living together so it will be easier for both. If that does not work set him up with a girl in a blind date.