I've been sitting here crying for the past half hour and basically feeling sorry for myself and for my situations. And I'm wondering if anyone can make me laugh? A giggle, a chuckle, or a bust-a-gut laugh is needed...... Anyone up to the challenge???
2007-12-09 00:18:11 · 27 answers · asked by Brenda 6 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Really guys! Give me your best shot.... It has been so long since I had the giggles..... and I want to laugh until it hurts....
2007-12-09 00:20:03 · update #1
Go listen to the song, "Tossed Salad" by Gefilte Fist, look at the lyrics while listening and think of an ex-boyfriend or someone you don't like.
2007-12-09 00:22:32 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 4⤋
This made me laugh, I hope it helps
"2006 DARWIN AWARDS
Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honourable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus Driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for three days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan , at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
******A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had."
2007-12-09 08:25:49 · answer #2 · answered by Erebus 4 · 5⤊ 1⤋
HAVING A BAD DAY?
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit ,complete with scuba tank on his back, flipper, and face mask. A post mortem revealed that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of the forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20 miles from the forest. The fire-fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters w/ large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. 1 minute our diver was making like Flipper in the pacific, the next he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.
apparently he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire. Some days it doesnt pay to get out of bed- this article was taken from the California Examiner 3/20/1998.
..
Just remember it could be worse...
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the exxon valdez oil spill in alaska was $80,000. at the special ceremony, 2 of the most expensive saved animals were released into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both..
2007-12-09 08:48:03 · answer #3 · answered by Nna g 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, It is impossible to make you laugh, you must be willing.
Skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop.
Why is it that women don't f**t like men? They can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build the pressure.
Little Johnny is at school, and his teacher is talking about whales. She says that whales cannot possible swallow a human, it is physically impossible. Sure, they are a large animal, but they have a very small throat. To this Johnny replied, "Jonah was swallowed by a whale, it says so in the Bible." To this the teacher replied, "It is physically impossible." Johnny said, " When I get to heaven, I'll ask him." His teacher inquired, "What is Jonah went to hell?"
Johnny said,"Then you ask him."
That is 3, Live long and prosper.
2007-12-09 08:37:13 · answer #4 · answered by Wylie Coyote 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I dont know if I can.However I do know the answer to ALL your problems hon, and thats JESUS.HE DOES care about you and what you are going through but HE is not a magic wish genie.Turn to HIM do things HIS way and HE can straighten things out and help you through whatever your going through.Read John 3:1-5 and Acts 2:38 thats where to start and if you get a chance visit a United Pentecostal church theyre really good.
Heres a Joke:
This blond and brunette were watching the news clip on TV and there's a guy about tojump off a sky scraper.The brunette says"20$ says he jumps!", the blond says "huh uh NO WAY!
20$ says he wont!"The brunette says "you're on!"
A few minutes goes by , the guy jumps and thats the end of that.The blond takes out 20$ and is about to give it to the brunette when she says"I can't take your money, the truth is I saw this news clip earlier", the blond said "I saw it too, I didn't think he was dumb enough to do it twice though!"
Hey, E-mail me if there is anything I can do for you.I feel lead to pray for you though.My E-mail is :JOE_FLEEMAN@YAHOO.COM
2007-12-09 08:25:50 · answer #5 · answered by Joe F 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. Which sexual postition produces the Ugliest Children
A. ask your mother
Q. Why does Miss Piggy Douche with Lemon and Honey
A. Because Kermit likes the taste of sweet and sour pork
2007-12-09 08:28:09 · answer #6 · answered by Dan M 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Serious about School
A kid is flunking a public school, so his parents move him into a private school. All the sudden in the private school his grades skyrocket up to A's. Then one night at the dinner table his parents ask,"Why were you doing so bad in a public school, and when we switched you to a private school you did good?" The kid responds,"because I knew they were serious about school. The first day I walked in they had a guy nailed to a plus sign."
2007-12-09 16:11:01 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
2007-12-09 08:22:39 · answer #8 · answered by Hugh_G_Rection 4 · 4⤊ 1⤋
A Brit wanted to become an American so he went to the surgeon.The surgeon told him that he would have to cut off 25% of his brain.The Brit agreed and underwent the operation.
After the operation, the first words he uttered were "Good day,mate!" .
The Brit became alarmed and summoned the surgeon.
He asked " What happened?!!!"
The surgeon replied "Oh sorry.We accidentally cut off your brain by 50%"
2007-12-09 08:26:51 · answer #9 · answered by momma 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Christmas Cookie Dough
Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.
''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.''
"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.''
"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came.
''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!''
2007-12-09 08:23:25 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 2⤋
a friend of mine has a 3 1/2 year old daughter...
her daughter said she wants to join a beauty contest for kids...
my friend talked to her daughter and said ok then lets practice...
if it's question and answer portion and they ask you.. "if you win in this contest, what will you do with the money? will it be for a good cause?
her daughter answered her yes of course!
then my friend asked her daughter then what will you do with it..
her daughter replied...
i will buy PANTIES for my mom because all of her under wears has holes
2007-12-10 02:24:19 · answer #11 · answered by Cheonsa 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋