Ok...so I am engaged to the girl I liked when I was 15. I am now 25,so it is completely mind-melting to me that we are even talking or for that matter 4 years into a relationship and now engaged....we have a house and all the necessities. She has not been working for almost 3 years now. I have been supporting us to the best of my ability now since we have lived together. I am growing continually worried about our future and I seem to grow more insecure as time goes on. Being in this situation makes me feel this way. I have always been the person who thinks that having something to look forward to can be a key to happiness......and right now the only thing I have to look forward to is carrying the burden of bills and expenses alone while my fiance sits at home having fun online.....couple that with a fear of driving and not being social either and it makes for a pretty depressing situation......what can I do to bring about change and disolve my insecurities about her and our future????
2007-12-08 23:24:45 · 17 answers · asked by watershed_22 1 in Health ➔ Mental Health
Be specific and courteous.......please.
2007-12-08 23:32:14 · update #1
Talk!!! Tell her your fears. You have been together from such a young age and didn't get the chance to date others, it sounds like. It doesn't seem like you've gotten the opportunity to "see what else is out there". But talk to her about your fears. If you can't communicate that with her, what does that say about your relationship? Marriage is hard enough without going into it with fear and doubt.
2007-12-08 23:34:18 · answer #1 · answered by lil_hem_n_va 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The first question would be why she is not working. And the second would be how accurate is it that she sits home and plays online all day? And if she is home for a legitimate reason, then I think you might want to evaluate why you are feeling this way about your fiancee. I can see how it would be hard to shoulder the burden of supporting a family. However, this is often the life situation of most people. I would look into why she is not working and if she is planning on working in the future...because you should not have to support the family alone. And then look into yourself and see if you like your job, if you are truly happy about getting married, and why you are feeling so trapped into work with no pleasure. Your insecurities are founded, not illegitimate. But if she is taking advantage of this situation, then you need to look twice at marriage and see if this is going to hurt you emotionally. You deserve to be happy too.
2007-12-09 07:33:37 · answer #2 · answered by Jules, E, and Liam :) 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The coin has two sides. If she works then both of you may find that you two grow apart!
If you have children she will be carrying most of that load. The question is - is she capable of doing so, or is the house unkempt; that is, does she totally loaf around doing nothing, or does she take care of shopping and cleaning?
These tasks take a lot of time, devotion, and energy too and should be appreciated.
Also ask yourself if you are capable emotionally of living alone?
^^^^^^^
***!!!
The thing about couples is this -- you are only couples - a unit - if you communicate about your feelings and problems. This tends to be most difficult to a great many people. There are many personality traits that remain uncorrectable - ever.
Thus being a couple is more about learning to live, to love the other person for what that one is, not for what that one isn't.
This probably is true in all marriages and relationships with a luck of the draw random minimum or maximum of severely irritating problems.
If you are able to handle your economic burden in a balanced manner presently, more income will not improve your feelings.
Instead, it feeds greater desires for more expensive things that further stress life. The best is the Bible's attitude, to be content with what are the reasonable basics of life and not to live in poverty.
2007-12-09 07:52:37 · answer #3 · answered by Fuzzy 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should not get married until you two have straightened out all of the problems that you have now. She should not be sitting around and not working; unless you are filthy rich which you are not. She should carry her part of the load. I can't imagine that a young woman is not working and preparing for the future of both of you. You need to save money for the future and not just living from paycheck to paycheck. You need to have a stash to fall back on in case of illness, loss of jobs, loosing your house (heaven forbid). Life has all kinds of difficulties. It is never to late to start saving for your retirement. You need to have a written agreement that if you should split that whatever belongs to both of you will be divided equally.
If she gets pregant; then you have more expenses.
You need to be able to talk to each other freely and put everything in the open. Write things down so one can't say that it wasn't discussed. If you can't talk now while you are single; it will be more difficult when you are married. Some young women think that they are going to be taken care of. It has to be cleared up. The longer you wait; the harder it will be. She needs to know that she has to take responsibility for her part. It will take a lot of money to pay for a family, retirement, the upkeep of the house, the taxes.
Make a list of most of the expenses for the future. That doesn't cover everything. The cost of living today is very expensive. If she doesn't have training for a good paying job; that would be the first good investment. There are many jobs that need some training but not years of colleges, etc.
She needs to be introduced to reality. Plan for hardships so when they come you will be prepared and know that you can handle them. Hardships always come. You never expect them or know when they will happen. The more prepared you are; the better you can handle them.
I hope you will be able to find a middle ground where both of you are happy.
2007-12-09 11:39:08 · answer #4 · answered by Barbra 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nothing. She is the housewife now and why do you have to pointed the blame to her. You know, you could make problem to your relationship to her as long as you love her. Be positive to the situation you both be now. You should be happy that there is someone for your when you back home everday waiting for you instead of full time working together and son't have the time together, isn't it? You are the husband in your family and she is your wife. Its ok for female not to work but its truly terrible if a husband doesn't go to work. Its the best of you to be the person who looks forward of your family. That's is the best. You just have to do a little better to your career instead waiting for other to achieve victory. Isn't it? You can both enjoy the fun together as she knows how to make it becouse she is expert in entertainment while you achieve the best career in your life and you both live happily ever after. Be happy with your situation rather than speak it out. :).
2007-12-09 07:59:12 · answer #5 · answered by Khamirul Bin Mataree 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It seems your mixing sour apples with juicy oranges. You seem to have two issues: insecurity about commitments being made, which maybe good thing. You are thinking things out. That in my opinion is good thing. Your not act first think latter person. There is risks you just need to live with. The second issue is big one that you need to get resolved if you want relationship to work. Sit down together and work up a budget, and discusses feelings on both sides of it. Tell her your feelings on the contributing side of your budget, and see if the two of you have life together. Best of Luck.
2007-12-09 08:34:15 · answer #6 · answered by Mister2-15-2 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do not marry her until you feel you can look forward to it. Just do not. If you've set a date, postpone that sucker.
Your "mind-melting" comment: I take it you mean you are in love with her?
So don't you two talk about your dreams and ambitions for the future? maybe you should start one of those conversations. "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" kind of thing. Talk about it one time and get her started thinking about her goals for your life together. Then bring it up again a day or a week later and talk about how you are both going to reach those goals, including the fact that the way she spends her days and your money is not going to bring your and her goals any closer. If you can, let her discover that for herself in the process of talking about the future... rather than complaining about her in the present.
I'm guessing she'd much rather be productive in some way, and that she is at least slightly depressed. You kind-of enable her to vegetate and be unhappy by supporting her slacker lifestyle. Unless you can discover that she is motivated and excited to make your life together better for both of you, in any way at all (not necessarily just financially), you need to reconsider marrying her. What do you stand to gain from marrying her, anyway?
Probably, you could sell the house and move out and live separately, forcing her to re-evaluate what she is up to, and if she loves you that much she'd snap out of this and beg you for a second chance. Not sure if you could do that since you're in love -- but I bet she wouldn't leave you, if you took a step back and pulled out some of your investment in her.
2007-12-09 07:41:05 · answer #7 · answered by zilmag 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The only thing you can do is talk to her. You should talk about what is really bothering you. Try and work out something, so she will get a job. Not having a job when she is young, isn't the best idea. Why does she not have one anyway? Do you have kdis to take care of? Is she injured? Either way, for your future family and life, you need to have enough money, and she should be a part of that.
2007-12-09 07:49:12 · answer #8 · answered by * 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sit down with her and with her help make a budget so that she can see that ends are not meeting then ask her if she is willing to work???If not then perhaps she is not right for you.b4 you do anything always talk i reackon that you have probably done that to get this far ahead in your relation ship and if she really loves you she will understand that you cant do all this on your own and that because you are you are starting to feel resentment towards the whole relationship.
good luck and i really hope things work out for you.
2007-12-09 07:40:02 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like each of you have a different way of seeing your future. You and your fiance need to sit down and talk about what you want. Can you come to a compromise? If if is all up to you to work and this is not what you want, you need to talk about this. If she isn't willing to move in this direction, then I would say your relationship is not going to work out and you two should consider ending it. I wish both of you luck.
2007-12-10 11:05:13 · answer #10 · answered by Simmi 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋