How can I help my dad, my grandpa just died and it is killing him... and that is killing me. I want to help!?

Question

I want to help so badly. My dad has been 9 hours away for the last 2 months and just as he finally decided he couldn't avoid putting my grandpa in a nursing home (and put him in hospice) and came home for a weekend visit- my grandpa dies. My dad isn't handling it and I need to do something.

Answer 1

Hey, sweetie, my love and prayers go out to you and your family.

We just lost our 18-year-old son to an undiagnosed heart condition - and he was a college-level athlete! So I am definitely writing from personal experience about losing a loved one.

Hopefully, your faith gives you some excellent guidance with regard to this and so reading from your religion's writings and praying will help. I am pasting a few from my religion in the "know the source".

Although the other readers had some good advice about helping out around the house and just generally being there for your dad, losing someone like that is just plain painful and time and prayer are the only things that will truly completely heal him.

While he may want to be alone, it actually keeps the mind off his father's passing, so you may wish to encourage family and/or his friends to come over for good parts of the day.

With regard to pictures of grandpa, make sure that's okay with him. I couldn't stand to look at pictures of my son for about a week without breaking completely down. On the other hand, it comforted my husband, his dad.

Answer 2

I really doubt the child killed the grandpa, or at least he wasn't the one who shot the gun. The obvious reason being: Any person without experience with guns can very much injure themselves when firing one. An inexperienced adult can have shoulder pains/aches after firing a gun for the first time because the retraction is very heavy. Also, the sound of gunshot is extremely loud (that's why police wears earmuffs while practicing) so the child's ear should have been ringing/hurting for several weeks, thus anyone who have fired a gun recently should be uncomfortable around loud noises. I doubt a child of 11 could fire a gun with his body intact. You should definitely tell the child's parents about the knife thing. Even if he did nothing wrong, such a violent and out of control behavior should be revisited by a therapist.

Answer 3

Do things to help him remember your grandpa like show him pictures of the good times then tell him that we should go out and have fun for the day together.

Answer 4

You're such a good daughter. Please, accept my condolences for the loss of your grandpa.
Your dad is feeling a great deal of guilt over the death of his father, he thinks is his fault, that if he had not put his father in a nursing home, he had not died.
Tell your father that it was not his fault that his father died in a nursing home, that when he decided to take his dad to a nursing home he thought it was the best way to help his dad. He died but it was not his fault, tell your father your grandpa knew how much he loved him, that he never ever had wanted to cause any harm to him, leave alone to die, and it's unfair to beat himself for something he's not at fault. His death was not caused by him, he did the best he could do for him given his circunstances. Tell him how worried you feel for him, for his emotional health, that you love him, and he got to put things in perspective, be realistic, because he's hurting himself and also is hurting you. Tell him that the best way for him to honor his dad's memory is to remember him with love, to make peace with himself, to remember his dad with love, gratitude, to forgive himself. Surely your dad was a great son.
May God bless your dad, your grandpa's soul, and you.

Answer 5

read him this poem:
dont grieve for me for now im free
im following the path god laid for me
i took his hand when i heard him call
i turned my back and left it all
i could not stay another day
to laugh to love to work or play
tasks left undone must stay that way
i found peave at the end of day
if my parting has left a void
then fill it with rembered joy
a freindship shared a laugh a kiss
ah yes these things i too will miss.
be not burdend with times of sorrow
i wish u the sunsine of tomorrow.
my lifes been full ive savored much
good friends good times a loved ones touch
peraps my time seemed to brief
dont lenghten it with undone grief
lift ur hearts and share with me
god wanted me now
he set me free
~when my 11 yr.old friend died in a car crash this made me feel better~god bless you!!~♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
P.S. dont worry about being strong and not crying in front of our dad!!Its ok to cry!!! It shows that u loved ur grandpa and that u'll miss him!!!Dont go around picking wounds though-put a picture of him in the family room but do not talk about him 24-7!!!It will be easier for your dad if you guys keep busy- go out to eat, share some laughs!!!

Answer 6

It says a lot about the quality of your character that you want to help, but truly, other than just doing as much as you can around the house and being as good as you can be, there is not much that you can do for your dad. Unless you want to tell him about groups like "Hope for Bereaved," this is something that will hurt him for awhile, and it is something he needs to get through on his own. Hang in there!

Answer 7

Everyone grieves differently and uniquely. Your father is no different. You can not "fix" anything. The greatest thing you can do for him is experience the grief with him. The greatest of friends are those that cry and laugh with you. Grieve for your own loss, grieve for your father's loss, grieve for the bitter reality of the inevitable fate we will all face. Understand that grief is a process, not a problem. Sometimes the greatest gift anyone can give to some else, to one another is the act of allowing someone to share in the experience with you. And the act of wanting to share in some ones experience with them.

Answer 8

Hospice is a wonderful program & I do believe that if you contact them they can direct you to a support group that can help your Dad to cope.
Also, he will need your support to try to keep him active & show him that you do care.
This can be a very traumatic experience for any persons & we all cope in different ways.
If you have a religion, they can also offer support.

Answer 9

Really sorry for your loss. May God bless him.

First of all, "cheering him up" won't help because he is going through a serious loss. What you should do is, go through old albums with him, try to do small things that he usually does by himself. Make him breakfast, talk to him, etc. The small things help the best.

Answer 10

been there for him show him that u care and u understand why he's going through so much pain. help him some of his chores. u might have to be the man of the house for awhile. prepare the meals. he is probably too depressed to do these things. try to keep things together for the household.