Should I keep on taking this?

Question

I need to know, when is "sorry" not enough? My husband and I got married six months ago and he has a son we have custody of and I have dedicated my life to. We also have another one due in april. He was really good the first few months and then he started having major mood swings and making coments that he shouldn't have to help me with MY work (house and baby because I am supposed to be on bed rest) because that is what a wife is for. Yesterday I wasn't able to do some things I was supposed to (errands) and I was late meeting him for some plans (ten minutes) because my car burnt and he is procratinating getting me another one and I have to rely on my mothers car and she didn't show up when she was supposed to yesterday. I worked my but off getting my house SPOTLESS before 7:30 am so I could get stuff done. He made me feel very guilty and made me feel inadiquite. I grew up with my dad

making me feel the same way and I vowed I would never put up with a man making me feel that way. If I was lazy I would understand but I had NO control over what happened. That was just the straw that broke the camels back. So I told him if something didn't change I was leaving. He, once again, said he was sorry and he would try to do better. But I have heard that SOOOO many times. I told him this time he hurt me so bad that sorry didn't fix it. Am I in the wrong? My mother and sister wants me to leave now but I just can't make myself leave, mostly because I don't want my special needs step-son to be without a woman to take care of him. His grandparents were taking care of him before we got married and he wasn't cared for the way he should have been and the drs was talking about getting him removed from their custody. I want to take care of him. What should I do? Is it time to go or should I give him another chance?

Answer 1

I'm really sorry for you! You should probably talk to him, and really go. You must decide who will take the son. I know you want your son to be loved properly, but you cannot go through this torture! I think it is time to move on. I am married, this is my second time being married and I am happier than ever. My old husband already had a girl, and same way, she was always being mistreated. I was expecting a baby at 4 months, and then all of a sudden my husband was going through these mood swings as well. He kept telling me that he had no right to help me to do what is my work (with the kids and stuff). He apologized so much, that i knew it was time to leave. He was upset, though sad and depressed. I was sad and depressed too! I also had to make a choice. I really couldn't take this girl (who wasn't my daughter), anad I knew she was not really MY daughter, yeah, so, I had the same problem.

My suggestion: Leave the boy! I know you will feel sorry, but, this child is not yours!

Another suggestion is: You may take the boy with you, if you like, just I would seriously leave your so called "husband" and if you would like, take his son.

Answer 2

It's time to go. Listen to your mother.
Stand your ground, tell him he will have to attend counseling before you come back. If he refuses, see a lawyer.
Right now you hold all the cards, Honey. He needs you to take care of his child and you are pregnant with a child he would have to pay child support on if you divorce him.
Once that baby is born however and you have two small children to care for, etc. it will be VERY hard for you to just walk out and you will spend years making excuses for why you can't leave him this time.
In the meantime YOU will be teaching him that he can say and do just about anything to you and get by with it. All he has to do is say he's sorry after ward. Then he'll be nice to you..... intil the next time he has a bad day and needs to pump up his ego by controlling you. And that is what this is all about. Control. When some people feel they've "lost control" , say in an arquement with their boss or parents, and have their ego deflated... they inflate their ego by bullying their spouse, their kids, the dog...whatever.
If they can control a person or animal by making them feel emotional or physical pain...instant ego inflate.
This is not something you want to teach your husband he can do to you as this sort of thing just gets worse over the years. Right now it's words..a few years from now it could a baseball bat.
And then, if you try to correct it, he may turn on the children instead.
Nip it in the bud Sweetie.

Answer 3

First of all, the house work is not "your" work. It's "our'' work. He lives there and he should help keep it clean. A marriage is a partnership. And the burdens aren't just on one person. The burdens belong to both of you. And if he doesn't want to get you a car maybe it's because he wants to control you. Honey i was married to a controlling selfish man. I bought my own car and did everything for myself. All he did was complain about the house wasn't clean enough and he was the one making all the messes. He was acting a fool and was afraid i was gonna leave him. And guess what i took our two kids and left. And im stronger and happier for it. Trust me you're probably better off without him. Cause sooner or later honey, he's gonna hit you. NO doubt! The exact same thing ure dealing with happened to me. I know one day i'll find a man that will love and respect me the right way and who won't believe in that macho ancient crap and you can too. Be strong!

Answer 4

You're not happy, so make some changes. One thing though, while you don't have to just leave and call it quits immediately, you do have to demonstrate that you will do it. That assumes that you really would be willing to. If you're not actually upset enough to truly leave this man, then don't even threaten it again. First I would suggest you don't put up with any "that's what a wife is for" kind of crap. Especially when he's not living up to the traditional husband stuff, like keeping the car running. Take a stand when he's unreasonable, and tell him he is unreasonable.

You need to decide for yourself what you limit is. And if he pushes past that limit, leave. You can go back if he convinces you, but you need to act on that threat so he knows you'll actually do it.

Good luck.

Answer 5

Mama, he is going to a depression stage it sounds like. The reason you are feeling like every little thing bother you is because you are pregnant and everything someone say can hurt your feelings. If thats not it then give him a altamatom and tell him you either put up or shut up! Explain to him how you feel and drop a few tears and tell him you are doing the best you can at this point...! Good luck! Email if you want to talk more!

Answer 6

I think you need to be sure how he could possibly look at the situation. Do you know how when people get divorced all of the family members always line up on the side of the person they are related to?

It is because every possible story has at least two sides. I think it is very easy for him to see what he is contributing to the relationship. Make it HARD for him to see things in a selfish way by WORKING YOUR *&^% off to contribute to the household. Make it a broken record it is so obvious.

Because it is details like that that people usually leave out when they are talking about their own side. They usually say yeah she stays in the warm cozy house all day while I leave it and work, because you don't make it HARD for him to see it that way.

Make it hard for him to see things the way he is--ultimately that's all you can do.

Maybe he is a creep, I don't know, but if he is, you can't go on Yahoo to get answers. No online community can force someone to agree with the way your husband looks at a situation if he is set on doing it selfishly. Strangers only give you objective advice, they don't get involved, and they don't take responsibility for the consequences--but that's one reason you can at least trust their objectivity.

Chances are the best advice to get from strangers looks like the advice that you would give to them. Would you tell every cranky housewife to up and leave the father of her family every time she is dissatisfied? Probably you wouldn't, because you realize how often what I am saying is true, that she is only telling the story from her side. And one of the things that I know about men is how unlikely they are to defend themselves in situations like this. They would rather keep their mouths shut than have people on their side of an issue.

And just like all the other women you hear spinning their tales, it is easy to look at your own side, especially since you are aided and abetted by the biased way your family takes your side. Try your hardest to look at how he would tell the story and then try to become prominent in that version of the facts by the way he is motivated to stick up for you.

Answer 7

You have to put your foot down honey. You said you've heard it time and time again... and kind of like the boy who cried wolf, you just don't believe him anymore. I understand. I think you need to leave for a while but don't let him think it's temporary. Make him think it's for real. Make him go for a time without talking to you, like two weeks. Maybe if he is faced with losing you, he won't take you for granted anymore and he'll treat you with the respect you deserve. And during that time, without his input to influence you, you can think about what you really want. You need to be happy, for your own sake and for your unborn baby. If someone is constantly putting you down, that's emotional abuse. What do you think this will do to your children? He needs to change, but he has to want to change. Maybe your leaving will be the catalyst for that change. I truly hope everything works out.

Answer 8

Well i think it's time to go because you have given him enough chances to redeem himself and he could not seem to do it and about the child is there anyway you could get custody of him because if there is since you love the child so much try to get custody of him even if you have to go to court or something if you love the child it is all worth it because that child does deserve the best and it seems as though you can give him the best.

Answer 9

Perfect example of why women shouldn't marry guys who think a wife should be the only one taking care of kids and doing house work.

Did you know this about him before you got married? Sounds too controlling and ignorant

Answer 10

Say a prayer about this, and tell God to show you a sign if you should go or stay and don't think about it. Again, I say don't think about it after you have prayed. Something will come to you after not think about it, you will know he will give you a sign through another person, gut feeling, or an unexpected upcoming situation that will make you think about what is good for you.