Teen son called me a B***H and put his hands on me.?

Question

Last night I got into an arguement with my 17 yr old son. He threw a personal belonging of his 10 yr old sisters in the trash and I told him that he owed her back the money for the item, he told me he wasn't giving her any f***ing money. I told him that I wouldn't tolerate his mouth and attitude and that him and his friends needed to leave the house. He got angry and called me a b***h and I slapped him in the mouth for doing so. I had already forwarned him about using that type of language with me. A couple of weeks prior to this incident he was upset because I wouldn't let him spend the night with a friend and he told me, "F**k you, no I mean f**k you seriously." When I went to slap his mouth for calling me a b***h he put his hands on me and we proceeded to wrestle around the living room with me slapping at him trying to get him off of me. He didn't hit me but I could tell that he wanted to. He has a very bad temper and goes off like a bomb when you say what he doesn't want to hear.

I have tried to talk to him several times before about his temper but he just seems to get angry when I do. He does not act like this towards males, females only. His father was abusive and very short tempered when I was married to him but we divorced when my son was very young. His older brother from the same marriage does not behave this way. My 17yr old just came out of a 1 1/2 yr long relationship with a teen girl where the relationship between the both of them was verbally, mentally and physically abusive, not openly physically abusive but everytime he played around with her he would "accidentally" hurt her and say he didn't mean to. Now he has jumped into a relationship with another girl. Was I wrong to slap him for calling me a b***h? Should I let him stand and cuss me when he doesn't like what I have to say? Do I have a future "wife beater" on my hands? Anymore I have just found myself avoiding any conversation with him because I do not know how to deal with him.

Answer 1

Could it be substance abuse? Either way, he needs to get psychiatric treatment. Looks like there is a lot he's not telling you. It seems that he blames you for something. He also seems to be harbouring lots of negative emotions towards all the people in his life which he recognises as reality...He's definitely losing his mind.
The best advice I can give you is to consult a psychiatrist and never raise your voice at the boy...clearly one of the messages he's trying to send out is "You can't make me do anything!"

Answer 2

1. Yes, he is a present wife beater - he's already proven he will hit women.

2. He needs intensive therapy.

3. He may be on drugs - that could also affect his behavior - but it is not an excuse for hitting

4. At 17, you shouldn't be slapping him - you should be grounding him. You SHOULD NOT tell him and his friends to leave - you should order his friends to leave and order him to stay home - if he refuses then you call the police right away and report him as a runaway. Let the juvenile justice system deal with him.

5. When he slapped you - you should have called the police right away and reported it.

6. Your son is out of control - and it is not due to his father - it is because you have not retained control over him and you allowed him to get away with too much. You weren't strict enough. If he said F You, he should have been grounded for a month and not allowed to visit his friends or go out at all - but you let him go out only a mere couple of weeks later.

You must ground him, punish him and ground him - take away privileges - to maintain control.

Get yourselfs into family therapy so a therapist can help you make boundaries.

If he refuses to behave, kick him out once he reaches 18. He poses a serious danger to you and your family.

You've created a monster and it may be too late to do anything about it.

Answer 3

No not at all you have every right to slap him if he says something like that to you. Infact I think its responsible for a parent such as yourself to give him good warning and if they don't adhere to it then one quick slap to bring them back to reality will wake them up or atleast make them realise your not going to take his crap. I'm not a parent but I know something about the situation you are in since I know someone who went through the same thing you have.

Teenagers think that the world revolved around them and that they can look after themselves and know everything when obviously that is not true. As a mother I'm sure this is tearing you up inside and are beggining to have doubts about how you are handling the situation because you don't want to make things worse than it already is right? But the simple truth here is that nothing great is overcome by doing something so simple. In other words things might have to get abit worse to get better.

My advice would be to sit him down and make him listen. Say that you are his mother and that you deserve respect and will no longer tolerate abuse in anyway. Tell him if that he does not conform to atleast simple rules and respectable behaviour than there will be consequences. If he blows up again tell him that was his first warning and the last one. If he does it again ban him from all the things he likes. For example, computer, seeing friends and even the same meals you serve your family. This will no doubt make him more angry but tel him that it was his own doing because you gave him warning and now he has to suffer the consequences. Also you should make him do more household chores so he can see how hard it is for you as a mother and the simple yet important things you are doing for him around the house.

I know at the end of the day he is your son and you want the best for him and letting him behave like this any further is detrimental not only for you but for him most importantly. Because if he thinks that he can get what he wants by being abusive then for sure if you don't stand your ground and put your foot down, you will have an abusive adult in the making.

I hope I helped you in some way but at the very least sit him down and tell him that your not going to take any of his crap.

Believe!

Answer 4

My parents have been going through the same thing with my 17 year old brother for a few years now. They are so scared of him at this point they just give him what he wants and there is no disapline for him. My advice is to stop it before it gets to this point. I would take him to see if he may possibly be on drugs because my parents found out my brother was smoking marijuana and when he didnt have it is when he would act the worst. Also check into some good teen support groups.

Answer 5

It sounds like he was with his father just long enough to learn his worst abusive habits... and if he does not get some professional help FAST, he will never have a relationship or a job. See if your health insurance or employee assistance programs can get him with a professional to address this stuff.

You were NOT wrong in slapping him... you are down to ONE YEAR to do whatever it takes to teach this kid how to behave in the world. Nobody will tolerate his violent outbursts.

You have to be the parent, which means you must use every method at your disposal to instill the values in your children that will help them to be successful in life. They cannot navigate our society without morals, ethics, responsibility and respect.

If that means instilling respect by means of a well aimed slap on the face or a doubled-up belt across their behinds, then so be it. If you have to take away prized possessions (computer, I-pod, video game), or ground them, that is fine. You do what you must to get the point across. Try to keep in mind this phrase: "what would have gotten through to me at this age?"

You provide for all of their needs, so while they are under your roof, the kids must obey your rules. They must go to school, keep their grades up, do their homework, pick up after themselves and do whatever chores you ask of them. If they will not comply, the door is that-a-way. You have to handle these little insurrections hard and fast.

Your new mantra is, “If the mama ain’t happy, then NOBODY is happy.” The mama is the ultimate authority. You must step into your power as such.

Good luck.

Answer 6

DId he ever act this way as a small child? There are several red flags he is displaying right now. I would talk to a psychologist.
When I was a younger child I would do things to my little sister to cause her harm, or just to be mean. As a teen I was verbally abusive to my mother and we got in a few fist fights. As an adult I dealt with not being able to maintain a job for years. I was finally diagnosed with Manic Depressive Bi-Polar Disorder. This is a disorder that runs in the family and my oldest child was recently diagnosed with it at the age of 7. In adult males episodes can come on quickly, especially in teens whose hormones are still balancing, and can display extremely violent behavior. Medication therapy can help considerably.

Answer 7

Sorry to say but you have allowed him to be out of control long before he turned 17, he does not respect you and that is earned. You slapping him gives the clear sign you are out of control and do not know how to handle yourself as an adult and you are reverting to his level of maturity. So I suggest you take back your home, he can either live under your rules or he needs to be punished, remove all the items you purchased one by one, do not explain this, just do it, remember not to revert to arguments, you are going to be the mature one.
Stop behaving as his equal and step up to tough love as a parent, keep your hands to yourself.
I have a seventeen year old daughter and I am speaking from experience.
You make your home the place you want and if he curses tell him that if does not stop, you will need to file a report with the police that you are fearing for yourself, and follow up with a police officer coming out and letting the officer make him accountable, do not argue or accuse, be a parent and take back your home

Answer 8

Time to find out if he's on drugs. And get him some help. Also, have you used physical discipline from the time he was little, or did it start in recent times? If it started in recent times, that would explain a lot. If it started when he was little, then I'd say there are other things going on. Because normally physical discipline, when started little, is VERY effective in preventing situations like this in teen years. Yes, I do support physical discipline. Time for you to find out. Good luck.

When my brother was 16 or 17, he was somewhat the same way, except his problem was staying out all night getting drunk. He wasn't violent. Well, the cops finally picked him up one night. He spent the night in juvenile hall, and that was a Godsend. That straightened him right out. No more problems like that after that night.

Answer 9

Let me just say - fighting fire with fire is not working. It's true that voilence begets violence. Since you are the one starting the physical part of the attack, he probably feels he has the right to hurt you out of defense for himself. It may sound bizarre to you but if you really try hard to put yourself in his shoes just for a minute. I know it's terribly hard being the mom and having ALL the responsibility of proper guidance and keeping things under control. I myself am a single mom of a 22 year old son and a 19 year old daughter who still live with me.

If you want peace in your home, it honestly does start with you. You could try apologizing to your son for slapping him but also explain that being called those names is a total disregard and disrespect...and since you are the adult of the house, you are going to try better to lead by example...tell him that! When family members can come out and admit their weaknesses to eachother, usually what results is the other person admitting the same. THEN, the talk most often turns to eachother praising one another for all the positive they contribute to the family. Right then, you can step in and say well THAT is how you wish to run your household - BUT, that you need the help and committment from him as well to uphold his part and role in keeping the family peace.

Likely this is a totally new and foreign family dynamic you are hearing about through my writing....and naturally everyone but everyone is individual, but this model has worked wonderfully for me and my adult-children :-) Take care!

Answer 10

I'd have him locked up in juvy hall the next time he pulls this crap! Let him get a small taste of what it would be like to be in jail!! Call you local juvinial judges office and make a complaint agaist your own son. I had to do this with one of my son's. He stopped calling me a *****! I even had to have him attend counceling. It made him less of a mean person to females anyways.
It broke my heart to have to do it, but I don't want him being a future wife beater either!!