Finding it really hard to forgive?

Question

I need some advice i can not stand my fathers partner she has caused me so much pain since they have been together for know 23 years. My mother died when I was 7 years old then it was only my father and I. We got along really well; he would tell people that I was his little princess until she came alone. He basically started to ignore me he would spend most of the time with her. Then when I was about 14 years old she would wear some of my mums nice clothes in front of me which I can remember my mum wearing them and it would upset me so much that I would always cry and she did not care. Then when I would tell my dad that I was not happy with that he got angry at me and would throw the clothes at me. There were fights nearly every night and I did not have family to defend me because my mum’s parents were dead and my dad parents were overseas so at the time all I had were my friends. Then when I was 19 years old my dad partner basically wanted me out and they put me in a caravan park. So basically he chose her over me and I would cry nearly every night. while she was leaving in a nice house. And now my father has cancer caused by asbestos the cancer is stable at the moment. I want to be their for my father but the past still haunts me even thou I live in a nice place and work in admin and life is good I still find it very hard to forgive them and they both think they have done nothing wrong what should I do?

I think some people don't understand my question. If you don't get the support that you need when you are young it makes it a lot harder in life when you are an adult that is what I meant.

Answer 1

First of all I would like to say that I am sorry for the loss of your mom. I lost my father 7 years ago and I miss him and wish he could have met my kids. Now about your dad, I think you should really get into some type of counseling for yourself. You cannot ignore the past if it still haunts you. And it still haunts you because you have a lot of unresolved pain inside. Ignoring it would be like putting a bandage over an infected cut so you can't see it. It won't heal unless you treat it. No matter how much time passes the pain will be there inside you unless you take it out. It's good that you wrote about this because it's like taking your first baby step into the road of recovery. Look for someone you can talk to because in my experience the only way to heal the pain is to deal with it, talk about it, cry if you need to but let it out. You have every right to be hurt. In the healing process and as time passes by you, forgiveness will come. The only way you will ever feel free is if you forgive your dad and his spouse. Now this doesn't mean that you have to be their doormat, it just means that you will let it go. Forgiving someone who has hurt you deeply is the hardest thing to do, but it's the best. Not for them, this is for you so that you can move on with your life and one day you'll see, you'll be able to look back and remember without that pain. Also never expect them to repent or apologize. Even if they do your pain will still be the same because the key is for you to forgive them regardless. When you do you'll see that no matter if they think they have done nothing wrong, you will feel so much better and be able to see them in a new light. In other words, your gonna feel sorry for them and pity them and maybe even understand how messed up they are inside to have done this to you. If you have in your heart to see your father see him. There's nothing wrong with that. Above all he's still your dad and you love him regardless of what he's done. Now her it's another story, you don't have to see her. You can maybe spend time with your dad (this I say assuming he is no longer abusive toward you). Go out to eat, or go watch a movie together or something that would give you two time alone. You never know, maybe he is sorry and won't admit it infront of that lady you call stepmom. Some men are sorry like that. But please, PLEASE talk to someone to deal with your pain. I PROMISE you will not regret it. Right now your past is weighing on you. It's like trying to climb a mountain with a sack of potatoes on your back.(Life is hard) but the climb would be so much easier if you let that sack go. That's why even if you've moved up in life this pain is still real and hurts, because you still have it with you. Get some help so you can let it go. And if your father is no longer abusive regardless of wether he repents or not, I think that it might do you good to give him that time, maybe it will help you in the recovery process, to give to him and expect nothing. And I say maybe, I'm not sure how your father is, that is why the best thing to do is to go talk to someone. And the saddest thing is, that he missed out on your life and no matter what he does even if he regrets it, that time lost is something that nothing nor no one can ever give him back. He lost it. I hope you all the best.

Answer 2

I had the same problems. But now, when I'm wrong, I don't admit it... I just say we should forget about the whole thing. It's hard to say sorry because you're not the loving type. It'll feel awkward if you apologized.. I feel the same way at times... If you are sorry, but don't want to say it, just smile and show care for the person, they'll get the message. As for me, it's really really hard to forgive people. But I've learned that I never forgive, I just forget and move on! So, you might want to do the same.. Hope I helped.

Answer 3

So... you are still carrying around this baggage after 23 years? It sounds like everyone else moved on with their lives. Your mother would not have wanted you to carry on in this way. Spending the next 15+ years fighting with them did not help matters... it sustained trauma for everyone in the household. No matter what your dad did, you were not going to be happy.

You needed professional counseling then, and you still do now... talk to your insurance provider for a referral. Get to the bottom of it NOW. Forgive them and yourself so the rest of your life will be good.

Your step-mom wearing 7+ year old clothing is wack. Why the heck did your dad hang onto to all of it for that long? Didn't his new wife need the closet space? It sounds like he was having a tough time moving on himself.

Of COURSE he chose his new wife over his daughter! At 19 you were an adult and needed to be out of their house. At least they didn't just put you out onto the street! A caravan park is a reasonably priced starting spot for someone on a beginning income. Your dad was still trying to look out for you.

You need to try to put yourself into your dad's shoes, and into your step-mom's shoes. What would you have done if the situations were reversed and YOU had to deal with a needy, combative brat that wasn't adapting?

Answer 4

Too late now, but your mums clothes should of been given away before the new wife walked in.

Children get replaced because of things the kids can't give the parent, and that is usually sex and adult conversation.

I'd let by gones be bygones. The step mum isn't going to change. She'll awlways treat you like she has. Just live your life and go in the direction that makes you feel the best. Of course they won't admit to causing you pain, but if you still feel it, don't go near them. they reach out for sympothy and just use your words instead of your physical being in showing you care.

Answer 5

You do need therapy. Yes, I do agree with you if you don't get support when you are younger it is hard when you are an adult.

I know I have been through tough times myself when I was a child.

You need to find a way to vent your anger. I myself have wrote very angry letters. I have yelled (when no one is around). I have screamed the very things I kept bottled up inside. You know go ahead and do that - it is probably what you need to do so you can move through the anger. Children who were never aloud to aknowledge their pain and anger have a difficult time expressing themselves correctly.

You may never be able to directly express your pain to the ones who caused it but dealing with it like this may help you to release it. Also, pray, pray, pray. Pray to God to guide you even if you don't follow a religion. Ask others to pray for your healing as well. I have just done that for you. Write me if you need to talk or need me to pray anymore for you. I would like to help in any way that I can.

May God bless you!

Answer 6

I think you need to put the past hurt behind you and be there for your father. You have the opportunity to show them that you are above all the wrong they have done to you by showing with love & compassion that you forgive them. I don't know if you pray or not, but I do, and I will be praying that Jesus will heal your hurt and comfort you. I'll be praying for your father too. God bless you!!!

Lovingly,
Virginia

Answer 7

My dear, you Must forgive if you want forgiveness. However, If you find it hard to do...Then you must ask God to Place this Forgiveness in your Heart. He will do just that.
You will Find that maybe you have not forgotten. But when you are reminded of the issues you do not Hurt anymore! This means you have forgiven. God Bless you.

<> Victorious Prayer Warrior<>

Answer 8

Get counseling to learn to cope with the abandonment of your father and death of your mother. You cannot change people.