Christians: I was told I would never get a husband because....?

Question

- I want to have a career (I want to work for a humanitarian organisation helping orphans and HIV victims)
- I want to adopt children from a poor country
- I want to travel extensively
- I expect my husband to go on parental leave after I did the same once we have children. I don't see the point of having kids if you don't want to take care of them.
- I also won't do more than 50% of the housework.

I'm not a hardcore feminist, but I want to enjoy my life and being a submissive housewife is not my definition of fun. I was told there wasn't a single christian man out there who would want that kind of life, true?

Several christian boys told me they wanted a housewife, 4 or 5 kids, a career, a car, a dog, a guy's night atleast once a week and a nice house. And everybody says they have ambition and that they don't have to compromise on anything, I'm pretty much doing the same thing now, what's wrong with that? Is it just because I'm a girl and I'm not allowed to have dreams of my own? I do know that if their is a man out there for me he might not agree on everything and that I will have to compromise, but if he's allowed to have demands, I'm allowed too right?

Answer 1

Every believer has a calling. The career you describe sounds very much like a vocational calling. The difference between a career and a vocation is that we do the first for what we can get from it, and the second for what we can give because of it.

That's why being a mother (or as some like to define it, a "stay at home mom") is considered a vocation. There is no ideal mold into which a Christian woman is supposed to fit, vocation-wise. Read Proverbs 31:10-31. There is a businesswoman with a vocation! And her husband and children call her blessed and praise her.

Some of your expectations of a future spouse may turn out to be unrealistic (that 50% thing rarely works out; it's not about keeping score but being supportive of each other). But as long as you are certain of your vocation, you will indeed find a Christian man who will call you blessed and praise you. Just make sure that both of your expectations are clearly expressed *before* you commit to each other.

Answer 2

Well, it's like this. In a successful marriage there is agreement on the essentials and compromise on the non-essentials when there is a difference of opinion and a divergence of desires between the two marriage partners.

It sounds like you are coming to the idea of marriage with a big list of what you consider to be "essentials" that many other people would put into the category of areas that could be put on the table of compromise.

James 4:13 Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit"-- 14 yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. 15 Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that."

So, is there a single Christian man out there who would want that kind of life? In all probability there are several of them since there is such a wide variety of personality types and life views in this world and Christianity doesn't erase a person's personality.

Many Christians would be open to "work for a humanitarian organization helping orphans and HIV victims", adopting children form a poor country, and extensive travel. A husband going on parental leave might not be a viable option depending upon where the husband was working and what the family income was. Dividing up the housework according to a percentage basis without taking into account different time allowances and different skills that each partner possesses is also an area were compromise should be considered.

1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Answer 3

I've read both questions. First (((((((((hug)))))))))))). There is a reason I live 950 miles from my family. I was reminded about that again two weeks ago. I know how it can be. Your children are young enough that you don't have to give them an explanation about why! That's a bonus. Also, as they grow up, they too would be subjected to those kinds of "teasing" about torment in hell. It's even worse for a child. It's not like you're taking anything away from them. We have created our own holiday traditions. Your kids are so young that you can do this and they'll never know any other traditions. One thing that is so much fun is to make a gingerbread house. We do this the week of Christmas. They love this so much - picking out all the candy and when they're older, making designs, etc. One of their absolute favorites is Christmas Eve. We have the All Snack Meal. It's a highlight of the year. We have mini-hot dogs, chocolate fondau, one year "gummy bear pizza". Christmas Eve is also sibling time - and that night they unwrap their presents to each other - about an hour before bedtime. They also just LOVE advent calendars. You can get non-religious ones. Really ambitious people make their own. You can make wooden ones - but I've never bothered with that! For THanksgiving - well that's a little harder without extended family I've always found. It's mostly about eating and watching football and I've never cared for it. I do make some traditional meals they love and we try to "go out" as a family that night - ice skating or something. You will miss the traditions - your kids aren't used to them. But replacing a petty and bitter environment with a supportive and positive one is the best thing you can do for your kids. Now that I'm older and have gotten through the "break" from my family, it's much better. I wouldn't go back for the world.

Answer 4

Well, if you don't have children, then your humanitarian work will end when you are unable to work. Speaking of children if you don't want control over the world's most valuable resource (children)...and in fact want to place them in the hands of a man (we are, by nature, incompetent, and are best suited to ultimately useless things like professional work)...then that is your choice.

Nevertheless, I find it unlikely that you wouldn't be able to find a husband. If you'd rather be a submissive humanitarian organization employ (since submission to authority is needed for any vocation) than a submissive housewife, you just need to find a phlegmatic who doesn't care.

I might add, that if you want to pursue this humanitarian dream (a truly noble and admirable goal) a husband might be more of a distraction and a hindrance than a help.

Answer 5

Marriage is about loving someone. It means you want the best for them, the things that would make them content in life with a sense of well being. You're not ready for marriage, yet. Go on and work on your personal goals and if, along the way, you meet someone you could love, be ready to compromise some things just as they will for you. It's rediculous to thing there is not a man for you. Odds are in your favor simply because they out number the women! Also, our goals shift little by little as we mature and grow older. I don't know how old you are, but it you're under 35 you probably will be a very different person by then.

Answer 6

Don't give up. Even among Christians, I think there are enlightened men out there who've grown up with career Moms who taught them respect for women and to share in the chores. Or maybe I'm just saying that because my husband helps me a lot and we don't really each have any specific "roles" to play in our relationship. We both see what needs to be done, and we do it. We have no children (didn't marry until we were in our 40s). But then, we're Pagan, not Christian. So good luck, and don't compromise on what you want or you will never forgive yourself!!

Answer 7

That's not true there are Christian men who are willing to do what you want, but you do need to consider the fact that men also come with their own list of demands and finding someone who is willing to compromise with you is going to be your hard point. You don't have to a submissive little house wife but you are going to soften your approach.

Answer 8

I don't think those things necessarily make you submissive or not.

Second, when I was in college and single shortly after, both religious and non-religious told me loads of crap about the opposite sex and why I wouldn't marry. They couldn't have been more wrong.

Answer 9

There are six and a half billion people on this earth , no two exactly alike . You can't say men - - - blah, blah , blah , because you know one or two cases .

Answer 10

Most religions are pretty oppressive towards women, imho. But, there are plenty of good men who want a real woman, not a slave. Don't listen to them. You don't have to be a doormat to find a good partner in life...