Stepdad with 14 year old step daughter-17 year old boyfriend = trouble. HELP!?

Question

She has engaged in destructive behavoir (suicidal tendencies/cutting/6000 text messages in 30 days, now in effective counseling) a straight A student... who's totally lost her mind over a 17 y.o. boy that SHE HAS NEVER MET. He's 700 miles away; going out with some other girl in his school, which makes no difference to her. My concern (having been a 17 y.o. male) is that this relationship is entirely improper on EVERY level; let alone the fact that she never seen this guy. She tried to talk us into allowing him to stay in our house for Xmas week when he's supposed to be up here visiting. The problem is that, apparently, my wife is going to allow her to see him! Because of her cell phone abuse, we put strict limits on the phone, so she went out and got a prepaid phone so she can ignore those rules to call him. (I caught her, which was the straw breaking the camel's back) She could do anything; how do I protect myself from her? She could make something up to retaliate. Then what? HELP!

Answer 1

I guess your wife doesn't have much of a backbone, does she? Ask your wife if she WANT'S her daughter dead. This guy may not be 17 in high school. He may be a convicted sex offender. Cut off ALL allowance. If she wants a cell phone so badly as to be able to talk to him, she can work her little hind end off babysitting and other things. If she won't do that, oh, well, I guess she just won't have money to buy the cell phone. Also, you need to put limits on her internet use. She shouldn't be talking to guys on the internet like that. If your wife won't lay down the law, play tyrant for a while, give this girl a butt beating when needed, it may be time for you to move on. I don't normally support the idea of separation and divorce, but if your wife is going to be a weenie and not give you the respect you deserve, then you deserve someone better.

P.S. I would also like to know how this "17 yr old" plans to pay for such a trip? If your step-daughter is helping him financially, do NOT give her ANY money. Not one penny. Literally.

Answer 2

Well, sadly enough you are a Step dad and that does not give you as much decision making power. I have adult children and grand children, so I have more years than you. The one thing I can verify that you have to walk the narrow line of being their friend and being their parent. But you as the father figure can give her enormous information into the state of mind of young men at 17. You can be her friend and help her to have a skeptical mind when it comes to internet relationships.

It is important for the parents to provide a structured childhood. They are not mature enough to run their lives, they MUST learn to do it very slowly, one step at a time.

Also do not protect them from every pitfall, let them get hurt. That lets them learn how to deal with pain and disappointment. Children do not seem to learn that today. It makes them grow up and when grown know how to deal with what life delivers.

Here is the big problem. We know what 17 year old boys are interested in, have you made that clear to your wife.
HE WILL BE AN ADULT SOON WHILE SHE IS STILL AT CHILD. She DOES NOT HAVE THE DECISION MAKING ABILITIES OF AN ADULT. This is a poor mix age wise.

At most she should be dating a 15 year old. A fourteen year old ideally should not have an older boy friend at all.

By buying the extra phone she has proven SHE CANNOT BE TRUSTED...

You and your wife MUST get together on this, FOR THE SAKE OF THE DAUGHTER. SHE MUST HAVE STRONG UNIFIED PARENTS.

God Bless and Good Luck.

Answer 3

Hey man, Parenting is rough enough let alone step-parenting. Honestly the only thing you can do to save yourself not only from a destructive marrige but from a raging hormones 14 year old girl is drop the situation and let the mother take responsibility over her daughter. You getting involved in too many affairs might end up putting a strain on your relationship with you wife which in later days will result in a messy divorce with a lot of court hearings over money. If you want to "lay down the law" then tell your wife how you feel about the situation; that you don't agree to it that a 14 year old shouldn't be dating a 17 year old that's 700 miles away and how putting a limit on phone calls doesn't mean sneaking around it. If the 14 year old earned the money and bought the phone and buys her own minutes then that is good because it teaches her responsibility but if she suckered her mom or friends into it then you need to let your wife know that her behaivor is simply outrageous. I wish you best of luck with your situation and if you ever need more advice or would like to consult me on this advice then check my profile and contact me via the information located within my profile.

Answer 4

I understand not wanting her to meet with him HOWEVER if you are absolutely sure that she is going to take matters into her own hands, I think a good, safe compromise would be for you and your wife to take her to meet him in a public place...not restaurant public, but like mall public...many people and police officers on site. He should be instructed to wait at a specific spot and you should observe from a distance to see first if he is who he says he is...age etc. If all appears well, you can approach and take them to lunch IN the mall. Maybe after spending a few minutes with him, she'll realize she doesn't really want to know him afterall. Other than that, insist on a picture...make up some excuse. When he knows you have his picture, he may be less inclined to do something out of line.

You could try prohibiting her from seeing him, but teenagers have a way of ignoring some things and since this is a BIG safety issue, if you think she will ignore you, go with her on this one.

Good luck.

Answer 5

A 14 year old should NOT be dating a 17 year old PERIOD. Her mom needs to put a stop to that now.

First off, if he is in your house, who is to say they won't have sex, in which case it would be statutory rape because you have to be 16 to consent legally. And if she gets pregnant? Whoa Nelly! Now you have a pregnant 14 year old on your hands who is in love with a 17 year old who lives 700 miles away...good luck finding him after that happens.

Secondly, he is dating someone else in his school AND staying with another for Xmas? NOT GOOD. What happens if this other girl wants to retaliate against your step-daughter? Their is nothing worse than a scorned heart and what it can drive you to do.

I would just make her end this now....and take away Internet privileges for awhile. (hard to monitor at a friends or at school, but at least you KNOW she'll be monitored and restricted at home, where she is most of the time.)

Answer 6

I went through something similar last year, so this is my take. Your ace in your sleeve is that she has never met him. She has no idea what he is really like and the relationsihp is artificial.
I sat my daughter down, encouraged her to be open with us and we discussed the dangers. I told my daughter that I trusted her and made her promise to be sensible. We invited the boy to our house. He didn't turn up, told her he was intimidated. Her friends began to talk to her, and soon the relationship fizzled out. It was obvious the guy had little social skills - which was why he wanted an internet girlfriend.
No one can really tell you what to do. I did consider getting a detective to find out if he was who he said he was, and I did do quite a lot of background investigation.
It's a tough one - do you trust your child, is she trustworthy? I'd invite him, suss him out. Keep it open and light. It's better than having to deal with secrets.

Answer 7

ERM THE PROBLEM IS NOT THAT HE IS 17


Its shes gone loopy over somone she has not met...

Maybe some over strict parents now reapon whats sowed

17 year old guys are often clueless shy virgins with regards to girls... and known confident 14 year olds... people mature at different rates and either someone is noce or not... beign a few years olds does not make them evil.


This sounds more like hormones on steroids...

Like when girls go loopy over boy bands only your one is off the scale.


Quite frankly I would be more concerned with the guys safety as she sounds like she would kill any girl for looking at him and him too for turning her down...

She needs some serious therapy to calm down and leanr to handle realtioships and feelings.

6000 text messages in 30 days? suicidal girl? if I were him I would be emigrating under witness protection

And Im not joking here... that other girls life may be in danger if your daughter finds her in her current hormonal unstable state

Answer 8

Now I am confused. At the start of the tale you seemed interested in helping your step-daughter, but at the end you are scared of her and want to protect yourself? She could " make something up" you say. To me that sends up a HUGE red flag. Based on your story it sound like her behavior has gone downhill for a reason and my instincts tell me that YOU are that reason and that you are afraid that the truth will come out so you are "pre-covering" you hienie by saying she could "make something up". This whole thing is suspicious to me. Maybe you could clarify what you want help with or add some details that would allow me to know what you want HELP with.

Answer 9

Step dad or not, I would put my foot down. You live in that house too! If the mom is going to let her see the boy, you need to tell her that it will not be at your house. I cannot believe a mother would allow that, but that's not for me to judge.

Answer 10

If you love her and are truly concerned for her safety (and it sounds like you have reason to be!) you will protect her - regardless of the possible outcome for you.

First and foremost, it is YOUR house and you are under no obligation to let a strange boy in.

You and your wife will have to come to terms on this, for your stepdaughter's safety. Who know who this "boy" is? Are you even sure he's 17? Your wife should know better.