How did I not see how cold and messed up he was?

Question

Ex fiance and I were together three years. He moved in with someone he just met a week after split (did it twice this year). How did I not see how selfish and cold he really was? How did I not see that he does not even understand love at all?

Answer 1

People spend their lives together and still don't know everything about each other--so don't be too hard on yourself. The cliche: "Love is blind" has much truth to it. Sometimes we overlook little quirks and ignore funny feelings that should serve as hints of trouble and warning signs because "He loves me" or "he is so sweet to me--most of the time", etc. Be thankful that you found out how he is before NOT after you married him. Next time around, pay attention to your heart, feelings, and that quiet voice--yes, we all have one & it can save us a lot of heartache if we listen to it!

Answer 2

Because you ignored what he was. You DID have glimpses and those inner feelings were what kept you on edge but you got swayed by the words you were looking for (and so desperately needed). He is not and was never in the place that you are in your life. He HAS NOT changed no matter what kind of pretty picture you want to make up regarding his life now. You are so used to being with someone like him that you don't even know that there are kind, loving, attentive, giving people out there that will make life easy and comfortable and secure for you. The warning signs were there from the beginning. These things are a part of him and will continue to be a part of him. He doesn't love the person he's with and he is still the bad person you remember.

Answer 3

When you start the dating routine, you subconsciously are attracted to the same qualities as before even when you are trying to find something different. This is why some people seem s to find all the bad people to start a relationship. The good thing is that you are not with him anymore. Even though this may hurt you are still better off, because you aren't with some one who doesn't think of you or really love you. Use this opportunity as a blessing, you are not with him and he is still dealing with an attachment issue that stemmed from his own childhood. Obviously he was an instant happiness but is afraid to commit to it. You loved him because you saw past the faults and he was afraid to get attached to a log term commitment. He may never resolve the issues he had when he was younger and will probably be the same way for years to come. But what does it matter now? You have the opportunity to find someone who will treat you the way you should be treated and you will have that lasting relationship because you dedication to your partner is far batter then what he was willing to offer anyway.

Answer 4

As selfish and screwed up as he seems to be you shouldnt take his actions so personally. I dont think hes necessarily selfish as insensitive to how his decisions might effect you. It doesnt feel good when an x gets over us so quickly. Or before we do. It hurts. But he just might be with this other person out of necessity. Maybe it's helping him get over you. Maybe he just cant be alone. I dont know what his real story is? Or who ended it. I just know you shouldnt take it so personally. He probably didnt factor you into his decision to move in with someone else at all. Why would he? Its over. It doesnt mean you dont matter. Or your 3 years. Especially your love. Be happy for him. Wish him the best. If its over theres a reason. Remember this. If you focus on your own happiness you wont care what he's doing. And youll probably find happiness with someone new alot faster. Put him out of your thoughts. He hasnt changed. I guaruntee you every single issue the two of you had have just been transplanted into his new life. She gets to deal with everything you coulnt stand. Does that help? Lastly, dont even think he's being so much sweeter, loving, attentive, generous or whatever with her. Hes exactly the same person. Remember now?

Answer 5

Because you see the best in people. But a little tip. Most men just go from one relationship directly into another as tho' it really doesn't matter who they are with, they just want to be with someone. That sounds awful but there is a lot of truth to it. Women seem to go through a period of mourning and it takes time to get back with the program. My nephew just can't be alone and will immediately get into another relationship. And you're right, he cares about himself most of all. It's really a loss for him because there is nothing better in life than to care for someone and have them care back. Many settle for so much less and some never find it. Don't let one bad experience spoil you. Continue being just who you are and don't settle for less. Everything you do teaches you something about life and about people and becomes a part of who you are-wiser. There are some people it is just better to get rid of because you will never be truly happy. . .and neither will they. It took me a lot longer than you.

Answer 6

mine did the same thing..together same amount of time, week after with someone else...i thought the same of mine...how selfish, but ironically after 8 months he calls me..tells me how much he loves me, and always will...but because of the age diff he's moving on...yes, i'm happy, but disappointed, my point is...i thought he was being selfish at the time, but it's natural for him to want a family and settle down...yes, my situation is a little diff, but guys are sometimes so alike on that level...if you really want to understand where men are coming from..i'd get the book The Lady, Her Lover and Her Lord..by TD Jakes...i wish i'd read it before i lost the love of my life...

Answer 7

because when we love someone we accept all their faults and we fool ourselves into thinking that hes a certain way when he's not. you'll constantly hear the same thing: "you deserve better" "it'll get better over time" "there are more fish in the sea" "he wasn't the right one for you". but for the time you spent together he was the one for you, he was the one that you sat around and thought about, the one that you loved so much, that you forgave him after every fight, kissed him after every tear you shed. i would love to tell you how it will get better but I'm still trying to figure that out myself. but know that you're not the only one talk about it to someone who will listen and care. sorry

Answer 8

im 37 and still learning, love is blind you can see things and potential things might happen, but thay are what if'sYou better person than that, you have feelings and is worth so much more than anything, dont rush into to drastic but yeah go with what ever you feel in your heart and mind and nobody elses. good luck. wish you all the luck in the world and have faith.

Answer 9

Stop all this moaning and groaning. What are you, some kind of mind reader or something? Let the dude go and get on with your own life. There's lots of fish in the sea.

Answer 10

Its not that u didnt see, but it was him who has changed.... not u! He only seems cold and mean to you becouse your heart is still in pain, its hard to let go, but sometimes its best. u know what love is, some people will never get it.